This Week in Tabloids: Jessica Simpson's Wedding Pic Is a Lie
CelebritiesWelcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we partake of the glorious appetizer buffet of celebrity gossip offered up by Star, Us Weekly, inTouch, OK!, and Life & Style. This week, everyone gawks at Lamar Odom’s drug problem and disintegrating marriage; the “surprise” in Jessica Simpson’s “surprise wedding” is that it’s a trick of Photoshopping; and you need to sign a nondisclosure agreement if you plan to gain carnal access to Justin Bieber.
Ok!
INSIDE JESSICA’S SURPRISE WEDDING
Seeing the headline “EXCLUSIVE DETAILS: INSIDE JESSICA’S SURPRISE WEDDING” hovering over a picture of Jessica Simpson and her longterm boyfriend Eric Johnson in a white dress and tuxedo (respectively) might lead one to believe that some sort of surprise wedding had transpired between the two. Just maybe. But, nope: the very unsurprising wedding has not happened yet, and Simpson’s “wedding dress” in that picture is photoshopped. The real image dates back to 2012, from when she was 9 months pregnant and acting as a bridesmaid at a friend’s wedding — in a rainbow dress. So: she is not married yet and the “real” wedding will take place on Valentine’s Day (surprise!!!!). Elsewhere in the magazine, the editors ponder the eternal question of the tooth-grill. I quote: “Miley Cyrus has three grills, which she carries in retainer cases. One is her ‘chic one,’ another is a ‘chill grill,’ and a third is for ‘blending in.'” It’s hard to tell which part of that sentence is the worst. Moving on: John Mayer and Katy Perry are having a baby! Have you ever wanted to hear a story about John Mayer reacting to menstruation? Of course you have; today is your lucky day. According to a source, Katy confided in John that her period was late and he responded by “flipping out; he leapt with joy and gave her a huge bear hug!” It was a false alarm, but that did not stop the good people at OK! from crafting a pair of terrifying face-composite toddler demons [Fig 3]. To end on a terrible note: the magazine blames Lamar Odom’s drug problem for Rob Kardashian’s weight gain. [Fig 4].
GRADE: F (a pig in a blanket that someone urinated upon)
Star
IT’S OVER! KHLOÉ FINALLY FINDS THE COURAGE TO LEAVE LAMAR
In a Star exclusive, the magazine alleges that Lamar had a third mistress who witnessed his OxyContin problem firsthand. The woman in question, Sandy Schultz, claims that she had an on-and-off relationship that began in 2003; after breaking up and reconciling in 2009, Schultz and Odom went to a club. “I went up to go to the bathroom, and when I returned, Khloé had taken my seat next to Lamar,” she claims — and then she didn’t hear from him again until 2011. The moral of this fable is to call fives on your boyfriend if you need to use the bathroom in da club, or he could end up married to someone else within four months. Anyways, Shultz further alleges that Odom flew her to Oakland in 2012 and smoked a terrifying amount of OxyContin in front of her. Star has graciously printed an excerpt from her “STEAMY LOVE LETTER TO LAMAR,” but ungraciously obscured the steamy bits [Fig 1]. In other news, Kris Jenner was talking shit about President Obama at a party because the leader of the world’s oldest constitutional democracy gave an interview one time in which he was was mildly critical of Kim Kardashian’s extravagant lifestyle. Then, acting as a voice for the collective unconscious, Chelsea Handler reportedly told her to “shut her fucking pie hole.” Well said, Chelsea. Elsewhere in the mag, the creepiest sentence of the week slithers its way out of the mouth of Robin Thicke: when asked about how he’ll explain his risky career moves to his son, Thicke responded, “Mommy has shown her naked body for roles and Daddy has been around naked bodies, it’s just what we do.” BRB, dry heaving and weeping and writhing on the floor all by myself. Next: Miley Cyrus and producer Mike WiLL Made It are totally hooking up, according to sources (but mostly according to picture captions on Instagram from which the Star editors have read the divine truth, like so many oak leaves scattered by the Cumaean sybil).
GRADE: D (a mozzarella stick that only has cheese in one half of it and that cheese is not melted fully)
US Weekly
HOW SHE HID THE TRUTH: KHLOE’S PRIVATE HELL
This is the “Fall TV Special” issue of US Weekly, so there’s not much in the way of interesting tales about the lovable exploits of professionally famous human beings. Us Weekly is assigning more agency to Khloe Kardashian than the rest of the bunch: according to their take, Khloe found drug paraphernalia in her and Lamar’s bedroom and has thus officially given up on her husband. Also: she’s cut off his credit cards and bowed out of filming her family’s reality show. In happier news, Zoe Saldana secretly married her hot and perfect-sounding Italian boyfriend in June. “Though his Andy Warhol-inspired paintings sell for upward of $30,000, the former soccer pro’s unassuming nature is a draw for Saldana,” says the magazine. Despite those other two DISGUSTING FACTS, his unassuming nature has won the actress over. Thank goddess for that unassuming nature. Lauren “L.C.” “The Girl Who Didn’t Go To Paris” Conrad is moving in with her boyfriend. Congratulations, L.C.! I have no other comment. Gisele Bünchen has joined a book club; so far, they’ve read The Light Between Oceans and Life of Pi. According to a source, she “enjoys it.” Good to know. And, finally, another story about Miley’s personal life: Liam Hemsworth and January Jones still have a secret thing goin’ on. The magazine says that he sent her “a graphic, sexual text message that read, in part, ‘I want to [expletive] you.” Which expletive do you think he used? “Twerk upon?” An embed code to the Wrecking Ball music video? Please share your conjectures. Also, US Weekly has taken Miley’s statement that she wanted her VMA performance to be “historical” into the realm of Too Far, providing a handy graphic of other historical events that occurred on that date. Some examples: Amelia Earheart vanished. French troops liberated Paris after four years of Nazi occupation. Billy Ray Cyrus was born. [Fig 2].
GRADE: C- (a mini-quiche with a hair in it)
Life & Style
IT’S WORSE THAN SHE KNOWS: HUSBAND FROM HELL
Here we have yet another story about how Lamar Odom’s drug use and infidelity has ruined his relationship with Khloe Kardashian. Not many new insights here, although the magazine does take the liberty of linking Odom’s crack use to Khloe’s infertility problems. Sigh. In other Kardashian “news,” Kim has dyed her hair blond and it’s because Kanye West has brainwashed her. The magazine exhibits as evidence the way in which Kim looked “anything but confident” as she stepped out, ha-ha, remember when you called her fat for months while she was pregnant and then waited with bated breath to scrutinize her post-baby body, but, yeah, it’s definitely the new hair color that made her seem self-conscious in public. Next: Robin Thicke and wife Paula Patton are def faking it for the cameras, says everyone, including that woman he groped (with added testimony from a second woman he groped at different party). #THICKE. Moving on: Catherine Zeta-Jones is “wasting away” because of stress from her divorce. She is now 120 pounds, say “experts.” Another “expert” ponders how lack of nutrition will affect her bipolar disorder. Everyone expresses a hope that she’ll feel better. Okay. Lindsay Lohan is putting her sobriety first, turning down $30k appearances at nightclubs in order to avoid temptation. She’s putting her career first. Good for you, LiLo! Also, Justin Bieber apparently makes his security guards carry nondisclosure agreements everywhere with them, so he can hand them out to any nubile young lady upon whom his gaze alights. If you talk about your romp with the Biebs, you will be sued for “everything you’ve got.”
GRADE: C- (a sweaty cheese cube)
inTouch
RISKING HER LIFE FOR ANOTHER BABY!
How long has it been since you thought about Angelina Jolie’s ovaries? TOO LONG, says inTouch Magazine. “Family friend” Marie Miles says that Jolie is delaying her oophorectomy because she wants to get pregnant again, which is dangerous. A reliable screening test to diagnose ovarian cancer early doesn’t exist, says a medical expert queried by the mag, and Angelina has a 50-50 chance of contracting it unless she gets the surgery. To be clear: Angelina Jolie has not decided to get pregnant, as far as anyone knows. Marie Miles is probably an origami mouth created by the editors of inTouch. In lighter news, a new book about Kate Middleton alleges her relationship with Prince William was no accident (i.e., the result of a shrewd and cunning plot). Kate’s devious steps-to-royalty were, in order: 1) swap schools (Kate withdrew her acceptance from the University of Edinburgh and deferred a year to attend St. Andrews, where William was enrolled), 2) model lingerie, which the author claims was a “calculated move” meant to get the prince’s attention, and 3) do charity work. There you have it, ladies: 3 easy steps to land your own prince. All hail the SS-ML-DCW method (better name pending). Moving on: Bethenny Frankel’s estranged husband Jason Hoppy talked to her enemy Kelly Killoren Bensimon after running into her on the street. The audacity. The horror. Such a riveting tale. And, finally, in case you hadn’t reached your ghastly image threshold today, the magazine ran a two-page spread of “CELEBRITY BOOB BLUNDERS.” [Fig 5]. Congrats, Tori Spelling, on winning “Most Improved.”
GRADE: F (a pigeon sitting on top of a buffet table eating a shrimp)
Addendum
Fig. 1, Star
Fig. 2, US Weekly
Fig. 3, OK!
Fig. 4, OK!
Fig. 5, inTouch