This Week In Tabloids: Jessica Simpson Bloodies Husband With Handbag
CelebritiesWelcome to Midweek Madness, where I scoot over to Mulberry Iconic Magazines and smile big and hold out my widdle hands and a kind man hands me four magazines, all featuring an identical advertisement for The Voice on the back cover. This week: Bruce Jenner might be going to prison; Bachelor Chris struggled with his final decision because nobody wants to live in Iowa; Khloé Kardashian and Lamar Odom are doing it in hotel rooms but NOT her house, she doesn’t trust him yet; and Jessica Simpson beaned her husband Eric Johnson in the face with a large designer purse.
Please, I can’t do this alone.
inTouch
PRISON FOR BRUCE
This week’s inTouch cover story revolves around the fatal car crash Bruce Jenner was involved in on February 7th, in which eight people were injured and the 69-year-old woman whose car Bruce hit with his Escalade was killed. InTouch claims that “police have launched a vehicular manslaughter investigation—which means Bruce could face up to 10 years in prison if convicted.” This story is actually awful, even for inTouch: the ‘loid claims that his Bitch Daughter Kylie “didn’t seem to be worried about her father when she partied the night away and Instagrammed photos with sister Kendall and half sister Khloe at a Grammys afterparty.” STOP. And then, this: Bruce’s dick of a cousin Jeff Day says the accident is God telling him not to transition: “If I was Bruce, after being involved in a serious accident like he was, I would think to myself, OK, God, what are you trying to tell me here?” UM, NOT TO DRIVE AN ESCALADE? GO AWAY, JEFF.
Jennifer Aniston is totally totally totally getting a boob job! “She was hurt by the cutting online comments people made about how her breasts looked saggy” on the red carpet, says an insider, peering anxiously at her own boobs in the mirror. “She’s always prided herself on her breasts being one of her best assets, and she’s really sensitive about them not looking as good as they once did,” wails the insider, snapping a quick belfie and and sending a text to her sister, “my tits r a disgrace rite????? don’t lie to me.” In other sister/plastic surgery news, Kylie Jenner is jealous of her other half: “Kendall is jet-setting around the world with her celebrity friends while poor Kylie is at home moping around.” CRY 4 KYLE. PRAY 4 KYLIE. Apparently, “the 17-year-old is in such a funk that she’s been partying and experimenting with plastic surgery to ease the pain.” Plastic surgery to ease the pain? Teens!
PAGING #BACHELORNATION: Ashley “if the Kardashians prized virginity” I. was Jenny McCarthy’s babysitter, which totally makes sense because she’s a) a horrible person, and b) absolutely not a “freelance journalist.” McCarthy said on her SiriusXM radio show that Ashley is, like, BARELY a virgin, though: She “talked to a guy who dated her” (very freelance journalist of JM) who said Ashley “uses [her virginity] as a seductive tool.” No shit, I did not grasp that from her undulating, knee-humping makeout routine. But it gets weirder: McCarthy’s son Evan, who is “just waiting for her to come back so he can stare at her boobs,” is ALSO a virgin (because he’s in middle school), sooooo: “Maybe they’ll break their virginity together!” Sounds painful! But Cool Mom Jenny doesn’t stop there: “It’d be awesome: ‘Evan scored with the Bachelor virgin!’ He’s 13, just two years away. She just needs to hold out.” …until he’s 15? WHAT?
Teresa Giudice is breaking out…ON HER FACE, YOU GUYS! NOT BREAKING OUT OF PRISON, HAHAHA FOOLED YOU! “She wears the cheap makeup from the commissary, and it’s making her skin break out.” If you choose to wear makeup in prison, you deserve a face full of zits, IMO. Meanwhile, at a sushi restaurant in West Hollywood, things became “hostile” between Beyoncé and Jay-Z just “minutes” after they “slipped into a corner table to order edamame.” Marriage = fuming silently while waiting for edamame. Anyway, he was on his phone ignoring her and it turns out he was “texting about Rihanna” and Beyoncé was like, OH NO YOU DON’T, because “Rihanna has haunted the pair’s relationship for years” and “she’s been living with the Rihanna cloud hanging over her marriage for years.” Years.
Also, Nick Jonas was paid $100K to perform for 30 minutes at a bat mitzvah.
Grade: B (When you pay Nick Jonas $100K to perform at your bat mitzvah and he doesn’t even stay for one friggin round of Coke & Pepsi)