This Week In Tabloids: Jessica Simpson Bloodies Husband With Handbag
CelebritiesWelcome to Midweek Madness, where I scoot over to Mulberry Iconic Magazines and smile big and hold out my widdle hands and a kind man hands me four magazines, all featuring an identical advertisement for The Voice on the back cover. This week: Bruce Jenner might be going to prison; Bachelor Chris struggled with his final decision because nobody wants to live in Iowa; Khloé Kardashian and Lamar Odom are doing it in hotel rooms but NOT her house, she doesn’t trust him yet; and Jessica Simpson beaned her husband Eric Johnson in the face with a large designer purse.
Please, I can’t do this alone.
inTouch
PRISON FOR BRUCE
This week’s inTouch cover story revolves around the fatal car crash Bruce Jenner was involved in on February 7th, in which eight people were injured and the 69-year-old woman whose car Bruce hit with his Escalade was killed. InTouch claims that “police have launched a vehicular manslaughter investigation—which means Bruce could face up to 10 years in prison if convicted.” This story is actually awful, even for inTouch: the ‘loid claims that his Bitch Daughter Kylie “didn’t seem to be worried about her father when she partied the night away and Instagrammed photos with sister Kendall and half sister Khloe at a Grammys afterparty.” STOP. And then, this: Bruce’s dick of a cousin Jeff Day says the accident is God telling him not to transition: “If I was Bruce, after being involved in a serious accident like he was, I would think to myself, OK, God, what are you trying to tell me here?” UM, NOT TO DRIVE AN ESCALADE? GO AWAY, JEFF.
Jennifer Aniston is totally totally totally getting a boob job! “She was hurt by the cutting online comments people made about how her breasts looked saggy” on the red carpet, says an insider, peering anxiously at her own boobs in the mirror. “She’s always prided herself on her breasts being one of her best assets, and she’s really sensitive about them not looking as good as they once did,” wails the insider, snapping a quick belfie and and sending a text to her sister, “my tits r a disgrace rite????? don’t lie to me.” In other sister/plastic surgery news, Kylie Jenner is jealous of her other half: “Kendall is jet-setting around the world with her celebrity friends while poor Kylie is at home moping around.” CRY 4 KYLE. PRAY 4 KYLIE. Apparently, “the 17-year-old is in such a funk that she’s been partying and experimenting with plastic surgery to ease the pain.” Plastic surgery to ease the pain? Teens!
PAGING #BACHELORNATION: Ashley “if the Kardashians prized virginity” I. was Jenny McCarthy’s babysitter, which totally makes sense because she’s a) a horrible person, and b) absolutely not a “freelance journalist.” McCarthy said on her SiriusXM radio show that Ashley is, like, BARELY a virgin, though: She “talked to a guy who dated her” (very freelance journalist of JM) who said Ashley “uses [her virginity] as a seductive tool.” No shit, I did not grasp that from her undulating, knee-humping makeout routine. But it gets weirder: McCarthy’s son Evan, who is “just waiting for her to come back so he can stare at her boobs,” is ALSO a virgin (because he’s in middle school), sooooo: “Maybe they’ll break their virginity together!” Sounds painful! But Cool Mom Jenny doesn’t stop there: “It’d be awesome: ‘Evan scored with the Bachelor virgin!’ He’s 13, just two years away. She just needs to hold out.” …until he’s 15? WHAT?
Teresa Giudice is breaking out…ON HER FACE, YOU GUYS! NOT BREAKING OUT OF PRISON, HAHAHA FOOLED YOU! “She wears the cheap makeup from the commissary, and it’s making her skin break out.” If you choose to wear makeup in prison, you deserve a face full of zits, IMO. Meanwhile, at a sushi restaurant in West Hollywood, things became “hostile” between Beyoncé and Jay-Z just “minutes” after they “slipped into a corner table to order edamame.” Marriage = fuming silently while waiting for edamame. Anyway, he was on his phone ignoring her and it turns out he was “texting about Rihanna” and Beyoncé was like, OH NO YOU DON’T, because “Rihanna has haunted the pair’s relationship for years” and “she’s been living with the Rihanna cloud hanging over her marriage for years.” Years.
Also, Nick Jonas was paid $100K to perform for 30 minutes at a bat mitzvah.
Grade: B (When you pay Nick Jonas $100K to perform at your bat mitzvah and he doesn’t even stay for one friggin round of Coke & Pepsi)
Life & Style
ENGAGED, BUT IN LOVE WITH ANOTHER WOMAN
In this week’s cover story, Life & Style invites us to take a peek into the complicated mind of Bachelor Chris, who has an unfortunate tendency to make unnerving comments like “I can’t wait to bring one of these girls back to Iowa.” Things apparently got #complicated regarding that whole I-need-someone-who-can-give-up-her-friends-family-and-personal-ambitions-to-come-rot-with-me-in-a-shitty-town-where-everyone-has-bad-hair thing: “The proposal was perfect. But only hours earlier, Chris, 33, still didn’t know to whom he’d present a breathtaking Neil Lane ring.” Chris allegedly told a DIFFERENT contestant that he loves her, which is maybe a FIRST IN BACHELOR HISTORY but I’m not positive because there have been SO MANY SEASONS, “and sources confirm that he’s still in love with her!” But “instead of letting passion lead, Chris went with practicality,” which I’m assuming means he dumped Britt, a modern-day Rapunzel who doesn’t shower, in favor of squeaky-voiced fertility nurse Whitney, who will grimly bear him 9 children and also probably become the mayor of his town. “It seemed like he was tired,” said Cheri Elizabeth, WHO SAT NEAR HIM ON A FLIGHT.
After James Middleton said in an interview that having a royal sister “does get frustrating,” the Queen is “furious.” A source: “Queen Elizabeth is the one who is frustrated with how the Middletons seem to moan about the royals all the time. She thinks it’s tacky.” The Queen, who is 100 going on 13, “feels like they’ve done nothing but mortify her,” and “it will be a long time before she welcomes Kate’s family around to tea again.” KNOW THAT, MIDDLETONS. Other queen news: Remember that rage-filled edamame date a few paragraphs up? Well, Life & Style says the beef is about a different Beyoncé enemy: Kim Kardashian, whom B thought Jay-Z was texting. “Days earlier, [the couple] had double-dated with Kim and husband Kanye West, and afterward, Beyoncé made it clear that she didn’t want to be forced to hang out with Kim again.” Insider: “Jay thinks Beyoncé sees herself as better than Kim, and told Bey she was just a small-town girl who got a few lucky breaks.” Sees herself as better than Kim. Sees herself as better than Kim. Sees herself as better than Kim. Sees herself as better than Kim.
“Publishing expert” Marc Shapiro informs Life & Style that a tell-all book on Taylor Swift could sell for “a whopping $2 mil!” because “she has some skeletons in her closet.” Does this have anything to do with the photo Zack Braff DM’d her, because I am v. curious!!!! Apparently, no, it’s that “she’s consumed with by jealousy when her pals are in relationships and tries to sabotage them.” I thought…everyone does that…? And finally, my favorite item: bereaved matriarch Maria Shriver, “who’s been urgently trying to split up” Miley Cyrus and her babi boi Patrick Swarndskaoaejwfanlaegger, has been dealt a PERHAPS FATAL BLOW—in a goddamned pizza parlor, no less: “Between bites of pizza,” Miley “suddenly grabbed Maria’s hand and told her to take a deep breath.” A source remembers: “She asked, ‘are you ready to have your mind blown?’ Then Miley looked into her eyes and said softly, ‘you’re going to be a grandma.'” Every Mother’s Nightmare. Maria, ever-graceful under the constant barrage of fuckery dealt to her by this topless, tongue-wagging poltergeist, “maintained the stoicism she’d learned as a Kennedy.”
Grade: C+ (When you try to introduce yourself with a quiet “hey” but it comes out as a gurgle because you have too much spit in your mouth)
OK!
KHLOÉ’S HOTEL HOOKUPS WITH LAMAR
Despite some honestly pretty minor setbacks—”Lamar’s drug problems and trysts with other women, and Khloe’s crushing depression over an inability to salvage the relationship”—Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom, The Couple America Roots For, are back on! He’s 100% sober, 100% sorry and 100% seeing a nutritionist, so Khloe’s like, w/e, fine, and the pair has spent “many nights” together at a hotel. Gwyneth Paltrow, who not two years ago asked friends to boycott Vanity Fair, would like an invitation to the Vanity Fair Oscars bash. Graydon Carter is like, “who the hell do you think you are showing up to my Tops And Bottoms Party uninvited”—wait, sorry, I’m confused. Teresa Giudice has hired a private eye to spy on her husband Joe while she’s in prison, because she doesn’t trust him with her kids. Really? This guy? “Personal protection specialist” Mark Behar says Teresa “had a cousin call me,” lol. Behar: “I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s a VIP at every strip club in Jersey.” This guy sounds great.
MISCELLANY: Oprah is plotting an on-camera sit-down between Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston because “she thinks they’re both amazing women”; Rumer Willis visited Ashton and Mila’s new baby but kept it a secret from her mom. Men bein’ emasculated left and right: Miley pays for everything: “Patrick almost never opens his wallet. She hands him cash, and he settles the bill”; Anne Hathaway’s husband Adam Shulman is her “gopher“: “He acts more like a servant than like her husband. He gets up early to iron her clothes and lays out her outfits with suggested accessories.”
Grade: D- (You wake up to find yourself in the middle of a Bachelor pool party; you’re wearing a one-piece and everyone is very hungry)
Star
FIGHT TO END ALL FIGHTS!
Star is really digging into the “crazy wife” angle this week! First up, Jessica Simpson and Eric Johnson’s marriage is disintegrating before our very eyes due to a likely combination of infidelity and Jess’s rockin’ post-baby bod making her a lightweight. At a drunken dinner one night, “Jessica saw Eric exchange glances with another woman” and then try to get her number, and “she went crazy.” Meaning, she popped him in the face with her designer handbag. Witnesses say they saw Jessica “screaming at her husband, and cameras captured Eric collapsing into their chauffeured car with a bloody gash on his nose.” Star, bless them, would like to place the blame on Jessica’s “alcoholism,” not on her husband allegedly tryna stray.
Next: Sources inside CAA, the agency at which Reese Witherspoon‘s husband Jim Toth works (title: “Bigwig”), say Reese is “anything but sweet.” Reason: “She won’t ever take off her sunglasses, because she doesn’t want anyone to make eye contact,” I am going to start doing this, too! Jim “wants the staff to think that he has the upper hand, but it’s obvious she wears the pants” in their marriage. Welcome to 1950. And everybody DUCK because Amal Clooney, who also goes by Medusa, is displaying “diva behavior.” Apparently, “Amal flips out over things like towels not being folded just so and the pillows not being perfectly plumped,” and this is all very embarrassing for her saintly husband George: “He’s having to walk behind her and apologize for her actions…but he won’t do that forever.” Ominous!
OTHER STUFF: Ryan Gosling “literally ditched his food” and ran out of a restaurant to avoid Justin Bieber; Gwyneth Paltrow is apparently dating Glee co-creator Brad Falchuk and he is “tired of hiding,” wants to “start walking red carpets hand in hand,” Brad sounds like a nice man; Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert have “recently started using the internet to put the spark back into their relationship,” and now Miranda is “sick with worry” that someone might hack their computers. Finally, Kylie Jenner is “krabby” because Kendall is getting free clothes and she isn’t, so she just steals Kendall’s clothes, and Kendall’s like bitch do not: “Kendall has taken to giving away outfits to friends, just to spite her sis.” Realest thing I’ve read all day.
Grade: F (A massage, but with ketchup)
Addendum:
Fig. 1, Life & Style
Fig. 2, Life & Style
Fig. 3, Life & Style
Fig. 4, Life & Style
Fig. 5, inTouch
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Fig. 7, inTouch