This Week in Tabloids: Jennifer Aniston Is Married As Hell Right Now
CelebritiesWelcome to Midweek Madness, where we get invited to Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux’s secret wedding, attend after signing a very strict NDA, have the time of our lives dancing with Courtney Cox and Frances McDormand, and keep our mouths shut about it until right now. This week: Jennifer Aniston got married and I was the officiant, Kylie is the new Kim, Jennifer Garner and Kourtney Kardashian were both cheated on, and Caitlyn Jenner is almost as in love as Jennifer Aniston.
“C’mon N’ Ride It (The Train)“ just came on, so let’s dance.
Life & Style
IT’S OFFICIAL! JEN IS…FINALLY MARRIED!
Jennifer Aniston, the woman who has been looking for a new heart since Brad Pitt ripped hers out in 2005 and fed it to Angelina Jolie, is officially married and happy again! Wow. Can you believe it? I know I can’t, but it’s the truth! She and Justin Theroux got married in a secret ceremony “earlier this summer” after hashing out a “$170 million prenup.” The wedding was held in the “backyard of their $21 million Bel Air mansion” was small, and their “A-list” guests were “sworn to secrecy.” Looks like one of them blabbered, because here we are. Anyway, they didn’t have bridesmaids or groomsmen—they just stood there alone with some “mutual” friend who had been ordained for the occasion. It was me. I was the mutual friend. Mazel tov, my good buddies!
Miley Cyrus is “hooked on pills”! Though she claims she’s lost weight recently due to a vegan diet, sources say it’s really because of her dependence on “her new friend: downers.” She’s “hooked on the prescription antianxiety med Xanax… and has been taking it every day for a year now.” An insider says “I’ve seen her take it multiple times per day.” Experts (which experts?) are worried Miley will begin mixing the Xanax with other drugs and take “a fatal or excessive amount.” Meanwhile, Miley thinks “She’s invincible and this stuff will never catch up to her.”
Khloe Kardashian is “quitting TV to save Lamar” Odom. Sources told Life & Style that Odom has been using black tar heroin since April, and they’ve even got the EXCLUSIVE photos of a black American Express card with Lamar’s name on it surrounded by some junk. The pics are annotated with explanations like “Burnt tinfoil and straw, indicting drug use” and “Lamar’s credit card scorched from drug use” and, of course “Black tar heroin.”
Khloe has been “talking to him nearly every day, his friend says, and is willing to do whatever it takes to help him—even leaving reality TV behind forever.
And Also:
- Cameron Diaz is “desperate for a baby.”
- Jason Hoppy told Bethenny Frankel that if she keeps talking about him, he’ll sue.
- Bella Thorne is dating two guys at the same time and I’m still bored.
- Portia doesn’t want Ellen to get plastic surgery because she doesn’t want HER to be ridiculed like SHE was.
- NeNe Leakes was fired from RHOA because she’s a “diva.” Classic.
- Chrissy Teigen is ready to have John Legend’s baby.
- Joe Jonas and Gigi Hadid’s relationship is “intense.”
- I’m not going to be happy unless I see all of you wearing straw hats this week.
Wrong Answer:
Grade: D+ (Joe Jonas and Gigi Hadid go on a date and you’re the third wheel.)
OK!
KYLIE: I’M THE NEW KIM
Kylie Jenner (17) was, up until now, just Kylie Jenner. But, beginning today, she is the New Kim Kardashian, which means Kim Kardashian (34) is now the Old Kim Kardashian. According to OK!, The New Kim Kardashian has spent $2 million to look like The Old Kim Kardashian, and will do “whatever it takes to snatch her sister’s crown.” A source says The New Kim Kardashian’s wardrobe “is an almost exact replica of [The Old Kim Kardashian’s]” and that “[The New Kim Kardashian] purposefully copies her big sister, in the hopes that she can prove that she wore it better.” Next up for The New Kim Kardashian: a sex tape with Tyga (once she turns 18, of course).
Previously on “Chris Martin and Jennifer Lawrence Are Maybe A Thing”:
- Jen moved in to Chris’s LA house.
- Jen and Chris broke up because Chris is in love with Kylie Minogue.
- Chris said he and Kylie are just friends.
- Chris and Jen got back together.
OK, now you’re caught up. So, Jen is currently looking for an NYC apartment for the two of them. Her budget is $8 million (which means her House Hunters realtor is probably only finding her places for $13 million), and she wants “four or five bedrooms.” Know what that means? It means she’s “seeking enough space for occasional visits from Chris’s two kids, Apple and Moses.” She’s also (somehow) “agreed to live in TriBeCa, the downtown neighborhood where Chris’s ex-wife, Gwyneth Paltrow, resides.” Hey Netflix! That’s a sitcom! That’s a sitcom that would run for 10 seasons minimum. It could be called Jen & Gwyn and the posters for it would be them posing cross-armed next to each other with “Toot toot! Ahhhh, beep beep!” written in Helvetica underneath them.
Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are probably going to break up. I know, I know, that’s like saying the concept of love is dead for the rest of time, but you gotta believe me/OK!: It’s over. They’re “worlds apart” now and “all the differences between them have risen to the surface.” Anna is stressed out now that Chris Pratt is so unbelievably famous and starring in Jurassic World, while she’s only just normal famous. And Chris is going around making jokes about their “unequal fame.” A source says “when a friend complimented them on their home decor in front of a bunch of people recently, Chris laughed and said he was the reason they could afford an awesome interior designer… he thought he was being funny, but Anna looked like she was about to burst into tears.” See ya later, love. You were fun while you lasted!
Amber Alert:
And Also:
- Khloe Kardashian is going to the The Bachelorette next season!
- Jennifer Aniston and Selena Gomez are best friends now.
- Ryan Gosling is “geeky and socially awkward” and “hasn’t made any close friends in 20 years.”
- Jay-Z doesn’t know how to work his Tesla.
- Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris have moved in together, and Karlie Kloss hasn’t stopped screaming since.
- Rumer Willis is in love with Maeve Reilly.
- Liam Hemsworth is in love with Maika Monroe.
- Who is Maeve Reilly?
- Who is Maika Monroe?
Grade: D- (Chris Pratt and Anna Faris go on a date and you’re the third wheel and all they do is fight.)
inTouch
JEN & KOURTNEY GET REVENGE AS…BREAKUPS TURN NASTY
Jennifer Garner and Kourtney Kardashian are starring in a real-life buddy revenge comedy. Oh wait! Nope. Never mind. This was just another instance of one of the weekly tabloids using a headline that has nothing to do with the actual story. Would you like the actual gossip? Because it’s not the remake of The First Wives Club I thought it would be. 1. Ben Affleck left Jennifer Garner because he wants to get back together with Jennifer Lopez, even though she’s reportedly dating old flame Casper Smart. 2. Scott Disick left Kourtney Kardashian because he wants to get back together with Chloe Bartoli. I’m over all of this.
S O U N D T H E A L A R M S !
Sandra Bullock and Jon Hamm are more in love than two people have ever been, and Hamm’s long-time partner Jennifer Westfeldt is now completely out of the picture. Yep. It’s Hamm and Sandra now. Good old Hamm Sandy. That’s what we’ll call them: Hamm Sandy. I could go for a Hamm Sandy right now, on toasted wheat, with mayo mustard and cheddar. Served smokin’ hot—just like the real Hamm Sandy.
And Also:
- Sean Penn is DESPERATE for Robin Wright to take him back. And I’m DESPERATE to see his sad texts.
- Mariah Carey is on “the fast track” to marrying That Billionaire.
- Brandi Glanville is certain Kyle Richards can’t sue her.
- Caitlyn Jenner changed outfits three times on June 30th. WHAT A DIVA.
- Nicki Minaj ONLY uses Charmin Ultra and Quilted Northern.
- Ramona Singer ONLY drinks Ramona Pinot Grigio.
- If you don’t wear ONLY cobalt blue, you don’t deserve any Ramona Pinot Grigio.
Wrong Answer:
Grade: C- (Mariah Carey and That Billionaire go on a date and you’re the third wheel and have to watch them feed each other.)
Star
CAITLYN JENNER: I’M IN LOVE
Caitlyn Jenner is in love and doesn’t care who knows it. “During a recent visit” to New York, she was “in the company of gorgeous transgender actress Candis Cayne.” (Get it?) Sources say “they sparkles when they first met,” and that they had “an amazing chemistry.” They’ve been spotted together being “touchy feely,” going “clothes shopping,” and “sharing a limo together” on their way to see An American In Paris on Broadway. As expected, Kris Jenner is P.O.’d to the max. “She’s wildly jealous of the attention her ex is getting, and the fact that Caitlyn has been keeping time with an incredibly sexy younger woman is driving Kris up the wall! Seriously. Candis is 10 times hotter than Kris ever was.” Oh dang, anonymous source!
Kate and Oliver Hudson are going through a “family nightmare” right now. You know the story: Oliver posted a photo of him and Kate posing next to their biological father as children with the caption “Happy abandonment day.” Then Bill Hudson got mad and said “I no longer recognize Oliver and Kate as my own.” He claims “Goldie poisoned them against [him]” and that he “never walked away.” Well, wait, actually there’s no new information in this story. It’s the same stuff we’ve already heard, but spread over two pages filled with photos of Goldie and Kate looking shocked. Oh, whatever. The main takeaway is that Kurt Russell is a good person. We should all aspire to be more like Kurt Russell.
Hmmmmmmmmm:
And Also:
- Ruby Rose is “close with one of the biggest club owners and drug lords in Sydney.”
- Mel Gibson has a “secret girlfriend” who is younger than his youngest child.
- Iggy Azalea called something else off: her engagement!
- Jack Antonoff might call off his relationship to Lena Dunham.
- Kristen Stewart’s girlfriend controls her entire life.
- Suicide Squad producers control Cara Delevingne’s bedtime.
- Jenna Dewan is jealous of Channing Tatum. Meanwhile, a lot of people are jealous of Jenna Dewan.
Wrong Answer:
Grade: F (Lena Dunham and Jack Antonoff go on a date and you’re the third wheel and then Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris show up and sit on the single remaining chair together and you say, “Taylor do you just want to use my chair? I think I should leave anyway.” And she accepts, so you leave, and then Taylor asks, “Who was that?” and Lena responds, “I don’t know.”)
Appendix:
Fig. 1 – InTouch
Fig. 2 – OK!
Fig. 3 – Life & Style
Fig. 4 – Star
Contact the author at [email protected].