This Week In Tabloids: Buckingham Palace 'Confirms' William and Kate Have Been Named King and Queen

OK, scratch what I said about Tom being chill with Katie and Jamie’s engagement, because apparently he “doesn’t want another man raising Suri,” despite the fact that he only sees Suri every other election year. A source says Katie is “afraid he’ll come crashing back into her and Suri’s lives, take her to court to get more custody, and try to sway Suri to move over to Scientology.” So will the marriage actually happen? In Touch seems to think so. “They’ve discussed eloping or having a small, quiet wedding in an out-of-the-way place,” said a source. Katie is apparently sick of hiding and wants to get the wedding over with. Though, as Shelly Miscavige would tell you, hiding is pretty easy to do once Scientology gets involved!

Hahahahaahahahaha. Ashton Kutcher was seen leaving a “dingy” massage parlor “known for giving happy endings” without a wedding ring on his finger! The parlor reportedly advertises “hour-long massages for $50, plus 10-minute bonus,” and sources say they have “never” seen any women go inside. “It’s for the men, if you know what I mean,” the source continued. Oh, I know, source, I know! Kutcher’s rep says “nothing inappropriate happened and nothing inappropriate was offered to him,” which is far too vague for me to take without squinting my eyes and saying, “Mmmmmmmmm hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.”

And Also:

• Kris Jenner is drinking herself to death.
• Rob Kardashian is eating himself to death.
• Miley and Liam loving each other to death.
• Sandra Bullock will not be marrying Bryan Randall anytime soon.
• Teresa Giudice is going to open a restaurant once she’s “done with house arrest.”
• Wear plum or be a prune.

Wrong Answer:

Grade: D- (The dry cleaner ruins your only plum gown.)

Life & Style

KATE’S CHRISTMAS ANNOUNCEMENT: I’M PREGNANT AGAIN

Oh look, the royals are on the cover of two tabloids! That usually means American celebrities are too boring to even make stuff up about—but it’s what we have to work with, so let’s work with it. So. Kate announced her pregnancy to her family on Christmas, and now I’m imagining her handing William a little box, saying, “Merry Christmas, King William,” (they’re King and Queen now, remember?) and watching him open it up to find a positive pregnancy test inside. An insider says “they keep joking they want to have a bigger family” than Queen Victoria, who had nine children. This story is completely bonkers, even by Life & Style standards. I believe none of it.

Life & Style has an exclusive report about Scott being back on the bad shit. The troubled reality star was reportedly seen “drinking heavily and doing lines of cocaine” on December 19, after which he went to a “friend’s place with some teenage girls” and did even more coke. The next morning, he didn’t remember a second of it. Friends say “he still hasn’t hit rock bottom” and that “he’s at the point where he could kill himself.” OK, let’s just…let’s just move on.

And Also:

• Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie went on vacation recently to “kick back and reconnect.”
• Joe Jonas rents a home in Hollywood for $78,000 a month.
• Bachelor Ben has “a really hard time figuring out” which Bachelor contestants are just there to get famous.
• Wear chunky ankle boots or I’ll start calling you “Chunky Ankle Boots.”
• Wear burnt orange or watch Burnt.

Grade: D+ (Kate Middleton gives you a used pregnancy test for Christmas.)

Star

33 PERSONAL ASSISTANTS TELL ALL!

Let’s end this week on a high note, shall we? This very special issue is absolutely filled with wonderful little nuggets of personal assistant gossip from a host of A-list celebrities, so I’m going to run through all of it.

Christina Aguilera pulls out her hair extensions constantly, and her assistants have to pick them all up.

Lady Gaga is “helpless as a baby” and would “wake [her assistant] up in the middle of the night to change DVDs.”

Matthew McConaughey “gets turned on by food.”

Kim Kardashian keeps all the fat she’s gotten removed via liposuction in a freezer, in case she wants it injected somewhere else.

Christian Bale “lectures young fans about being rude and intrusive” to the point that “tears stream down their faces.”

Cher is “always chanting and practicing strange spiritual exercises.”

Brad Pitt draws poop on everything.

Elton John is so lazy that he asks to be wheeled around everywhere.

Angelina Jolie forces her staff to watch all her movies—even the flops—and demands positive feedback.

Mickey Rourke gives a lot of money to homeless people.

Scarlett Johansson is constantly screaming at her mother.

Jennifer Aniston forces assistants to carry fans around so she doesn’t sweat.

Jamie Dornan is constantly needlepointing when alone.

Julia Roberts “hoards” her old costumes, and wears her famous Pretty Woman prostitute outfit for Danny Moder “once a year.”

Madonna forces her staff to wipe down every dressing room bathroom with antibacterial wipes before she enters.

Justin Bieber straight up fucks a lot of his staffers.

Jessica Simpson “acts as if the world is one big open bar.”

Selena Gomez is “such a slob” and leaves her dirty underwear all over the place.

Sarah Jessica Parker “religiously celebrates the New Moon every month” and believes crystals “will bring her good luck and keep evil spirits away.”

Mariah Carey cannot operate a microwave, and makes her assistant wash her hair in the shower.

And Also:

• It’s really starting to look like Ashton Kutcher got a handie at that massage parlor.
• Kylie Jenner is “out of control.”
• Fame has “gone to John Boyega’s head.”
• Britney Spears was spotted dining alone in Calabasas, “staring into space and looking depressed.”
• Jay Z is “not comfortable” with how close Beyonce and Chris Martin have become.

Wrong Answer:

Grade: A (You’re Mariah Carey.)

Appendix:

Fig. 1 (In Touch)