Welcome back! Every Wednesday, we do Midweek Madness, in which Callie Beusman heads to the newsstand and buys the latest issues of Ok!, Us, In Touch, Life & Style and Star, so that together, we can read them and weep. This week: Beyoncé is labeled a "diva" for wanting to have peanut butter backstage; Miley Cyrus is starving herself and doing "punishing" workouts; and the gossip psychotherapists have diagnosed Bruce Jenner with gender identity issues. Get your tissues ready!
"BRUCE WANTS TO BE A WOMAN!"
We would try to broach this with humor but all the sense has been struck from us. Star says that Bruce Jenner WANTS TO BE A WOMAN, which is what caused his divorce from Kris Jenner. UHHHH, OK. Let's go over the evidence: Bruce Jenner likes growing his hair out. Bruce Jenner likes getting manicures and pedicures. Bruce Jenner loves his diamond earring. Bruce Jenner plucks his eyebrows (Fig. 1). WE SHOULD NOT BE EYEBROW-SHAMING THIS PUBLIC FIGURE, BECAUSE EYEBROW MAINTENANCE IN MEN IS SOMETHING THAT THE GODDESS SMILES UPON. Anyway, the copy also claims that Bruce enjoys wearing women's underwear, which is something they heard from the new wife of Kris Jenner's ex-husband, so — grain of salt. Also Star is a festering pile of lies and garbage, so entire salt plain of salt. But let's take this opportunity to say that 1) there's a vast difference between wearing women's underwear and being transgender, and 2) there's nothing weird or unsavory or salacious about Bruce Jenner's cross dressing if it makes him happy. The only weird thing Bruce Jenner does is collect little helicopters. Moving on: Joe Jonas reportedly has a substance abuse problem, which may or may not be true, but we'll take any opportunity to reminisce about his girlfriend's name: the magazine says that Jonas's (fake) sex tape with girlfriend BLANDA EGGENSCHWILER (BLANDA EGGENSCHWILER!!!!!!) includes footage of him using drugs. In other news, Jennifer Lopez and Casper Smart have reportedly broken up. A "pal" divulges that she did not let him take any of his belongings, hissing, "You came with nothing; you will leave with nothing." File that away for future use. Next. We revisit Robert Pattinson and Dylan Penn's date to a Mickey Avalon concert (WHY) and find out that Robert Pattinson was doing mounds of coke all night long, probably because he was trying to forget that he actually went on a date to a Mickey Avalon concert. Elsewhere in the mag, we find out that Miranda Lambert allegedly cheated on Blake Shelton before he ever cheated on her, which means that Blake is no longer the "bad guy in the relationship." Because whoever does a bad thing first is the bad one forever? Yep, sounds about right.
Grade: F (scream-crying resulting in ocean of tears)
"$50 MILLION OR I'LL RUIN YOUR FAMILY!"
What we have here is fanfic in which Lamar Odom plays the mustachioed villain and Khloe Kardashian is the damsel in distress tied to the railroad tracks. Allegedly, he's all, "fuck you pay me" and plans to "expose a range of dark family secrets" if he doesn't get $50 mil. These "secrets" include Khloe being a "mean girl" who bullied Rob so much it turned him in to a "fatty and low self-esteemer." Also in high school Khloe made out with her BFF for attention. Also all of the Kardashian ladies "shop to feel better about themselves." These "secrets" do not seem worth $50 mil, especially in this economy? Also inside: Justin Bieber won't eat butter because it messes with his vocal chords. Mmm, butter. Prince Harry's romance with Cressida Bonas might get "derailed" by an incoming freight train in the form of ex-girlfriend Chelsy Davy, who's decided she wants him back. Miley Cyrus is "down to 95 lbs." and only eats raw vegetables and goat yogurt, in addition to doing "punishing exercise." Says a source. Finally, there's a story about how "the magic is gone" between Ginnifer Goodwin and Josh Dallas, even though the actual real time latest news is that they have gotten engaged. (The engagement is not mentioned in this mag. Try and keep up, Ok!)
Grade: F (hyperventilation-crying)
Life & Style
"70 LBS. IN 4 MONTHS: YES, I DID IT!"
Here's yet another article about Kim Kardashian's weight loss, represented by a picture of Kim that was taken before she was pregnant. According to the Royal Weight-Guesser (or someone like that), Kim has already lost 70 pounds since giving birth. "She looks great," agrees everyone, "So there's no time like now to revisit all the vicious body-shaming everyone engaged in mere months ago! Ha ha, but here is a photo of her 'cankles' just as a quick refresher." (Fig. 2) Interestingly enough, one of the biggest body-shaming culprits, In Touch, is the sister publication of Life&Style. Moving on: Life & Style blames Kris and Bruce Jenner's divorce on Kris' penchant for flirting with younger men. She was seen clinging onto Sean "Diddy" Combs at a recent event, but that's probably because she was asking him to share his benevolent and eternal Instagram wisdom with her. Next: a beautiful fan fiction about the blossoming relationship between Katie Holmes and Jamie Foxx, which he has since denied. The two were spotted LINKING ARMS and DANCING; a source also claims that she stayed in his hotel. Sigh. Elsewhere in the mag, Jennifer Aniston is anxious because she and Justin Theroux will have to spend 6 months apart. He's filming a TV series in New York; she's busy being extremely rich and famous and attractive in LA. Eh, you guys will be fine.
Grade: D- (blubbering mess)
"I WILL DESTROY YOU!"
Whoa, did you guys know that Bruce Jenner and Kris Jenner are separated? Can't believe no other tabloid has covered it this week! Anyways, this version of the feud states that Bruce Jenner is contemplating RUINING Kris Jenner with his dark knowledge of her evil deeds. Only, it seems like a lot of stuff we already know: Kris Jenner cheated on Robert Kardashian! Kris Jenner profited off of her daughter's sex tape! Kris Jenner drinks a lot of alcohol! Yawn. Elsewhere in the mag, the body police have a field day. First, we're treated to a panicked account of Sofia Vergara's weight loss: "OH, NO! SOFIA'S LOSING HER CURVES!" The magazine blames her new figure on relationship troubles. Later, the body police construct a lovely chart detailing how long it took various celebrities to lose the "baby weight." "Is it too much too soon?" asks the magazine that once had a cover story about how pregnant Kim Kardashian COULDN'T STOP EATING. Ummm, okay. Moving on: Is Prince Harry headed for heartbreak? The editors fret because Harry's current girlfriend and arbiter of the scrunchie Cressida Bonas seems to not like being followed around by hoards of strangers with cameras. Weird. Finally, we're given a look at Beyonce's DIVA DEMANDS on her tour rider, which are all very reasonable and normal (Fig. 3, highlights theirs). The things that the editors have highlighted are, in order: "2 white area rugs. 8 bananas. 5 whole grapefruits. 1 jar of Jif peanut butter. 1 jar of Smuckers grape jelly." THE DIVA DEMANDS A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH WITH NAME BRAND PRODUCTS.
Grade: D+ (quiet sobbing)
"OUR WILD MARRIAGE"
Apparently the Duck Dynasty folks made a deal with Us; this is their second cover within a month. Since we just CAN'T force ourselves to read this six-page story, here are some phrases from the copy: "strangely ticklish" "wildly successful" "we're strong" "make our marriage a priority" "all guys hate to say they're whipped" "extremely generous" "I want to grow old with Willie." Phew. Also inside: John Mayer and Katy Perry are "heading toward a proposal," which sounds vaguely menacing, especially if you substitute "proposal" for "open drawbridge." Nina Dobrev and Derek Hough have split up, which means he's free to date Amber Riley which is what we pray for when we invoke the Goddess of TV-lationships. Ashley Judd might give her marriage to Dario Franchitti another try; he was in a crash and broke a couple of vertebrae and his ankle, which "made her realize how much she loves him." Finally: The editors compare and contrast the Olsens and the Fannings, which makes for a mesmerizing, storybook-esque page full of saucer-eyes and flaxen hair. Just add a witch and a gingerbread house and you're all set. (Fig. 4)
Grade: D (the cinematic lone tear)
Fig. 1, from Star
Fig. 2, from Life & Style
Fig. 3, from In Touch
Fig. 4, from Us