Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we sift through the tales of our favorite (and least favorite) celebrities’ rumored despair in the hopes that we’ll feel better about our lives. Like, oh, I’ve been pretty stressed lately and my face is breaking out and also my bank account has been sort of sad since tax season ended, but at least I’m not marrying Jodi Arias in prison!!

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This week, Brad Pitt cheated on Angie with Marion Cotillard, Jodi Arias is getting married to a human (?) in prison, Beyoncé is pregnant, and Kate Middleton is the happiest person on the planet.

:(


Brad & Angie

Let’s begin with the lede, which is amazing: “The perfect portrait of romantic bliss, Brad Pitt and Marion Cotillard giggled and touched each other flirtatiously on a London street.” They were filming a movie, by the way—this wasn’t a date—but still! What an image. Anyway, Pitt and Cotillard’s on-set romance during the production of the upcoming Five Seconds of Silence (which sounds like a real bore, by the way) has been sort of whispered about in the tabloids for months, but we appear to have crossed a threshold because, god help me, I’m starting to believe this one.

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Marion, a 9/11 truther who believes the moon landing was faked (that’s not a joke), reportedly “lights up” when Brad is around, and Angie has reportedly noticed. Sources claim “they might even break up soon,” but not just because of Marion. Insiders claim Angie refuses to take care of herself, and that she “chain-smokes all day and drinks wine in the evenings, with barely a bite of food in between,” and that Brad’s closeness to Marion is bringing her “close to a breakdown.”

And now, an imagined fight between the three of them:

ANGIE: What is that French fuck doing in my house.

BRAD: I invited her here. To talk. And she’s not a French fuck, she’s a French actress. An Oscar-winning one.

ANGIE: It’s not like they’re hard to get. [beat] For some of us.

MARION: Excuse me...what is a “French fuck”? Like a, um, ménage à trois? Because, in this particular instance, I do not think I’m interested.

ANGIE: Listen, Amelie, get out of my house and stay away from my husband when you’re not at work. If the camera’s off you, you get off him.

MARION: In this country, there are always cameras. You are familiar with Snowden, no?

ANGIE: (to Brad) This is who you decided to fuck?

BRAD: No one said anything about fucking.

MARION: Pardon, I believe I did.

ANGIE: (to Brad) How many times do I have to ask you to get this champagne in my ass out of our house?

MARION: I do not recommend putting champagne in one’s ass. (pause) Unless, of course—

BRAD: Marion, you don’t have to talk.

MARION: Thank you. I prefer communicating with my mind.

ANGIE: (Throws Oscar at Marion, misses, shatters a window.)


Jodi Arias

Yeeeeeeeikes! Yikes. I don’t quite know how to tackle this one (and sort of hate the fact that it’s on the cover of this week’s In Touch), but that the horrible Photoshop on the cover piqued my interest. So. Let’s get through this as quickly and painlessly as possible.

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I didn’t pay much attention to her trial because it really brought me down—what with the whole “she stabbed her boyfriend 27 times,” shot him, and slashed his throat stuff—but here I am, reading about her upcoming prison wedding. A story about Jodi Arias’s upcoming prison wedding! Isn’t that gross? (This is the part where you all shout, in unison, “It sure is, Bobby.”)

So Jodi, the murderer in prison for life, has yet to reveal the man she plans on marrying, but a friend (why would someone choose to remain friends with Jodi Arias?) tells In Touch that she has “plenty of suitors,” and receives “marriage proposals in the mail on a weekly basis.” You know what? I’m done here.


Beyoncé

Beyoncé and Jay Z’s marriage has been saved by her second “miracle” pregnancy! She had reportedly “been all set to file for divorce” after releasing Lemonade, but “called it off” after discovering that she would soon develop an enormous and occasionally floppy baby bump!

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Added a source, “Everyone can say what they want about Jay’s reported cheating and how she should have left him, but Beyoncé will be the first person to tell you what an amazing father he is.”

And now, let’s imagine the moment they found out:

BEY: Shawn, I’m late.

JAY: Baby you’re never late. You’re more on time than Ashanti.

BEY: No, I mean I’m late. (She points at her abdomen.) And don’t mention Ashanti around me.

JAY: You’re late for lunch? I’ll grab you a snack.

BEY: No. I mean. I’m pregnant.

JAY: You haven’t been pregnant in years.

BEY: That’s what I’m saying. I’m pregnant now.

JAY: Are you running lines? Did you auditioning for that American Sniper dude’s movie? I told you that was a bad idea.

BEY: Jay. It’s me. Your wife. The mother of your daughter. I’m telling you I’m pregnant with our second child. This isn’t a movie. This is real life.

JAY: I thought our life was a movie.

BEY: No, our life is a visual album.

SOLANGE: (Stands up from the couch and throws Beyonce’s pregnancy test at Jay’s head) You two drive me crazy. I’m leaving.

BEY: For the eighth time, no one invited you to begin with.

SOLANGE: (Slams the door behind her)


Kate Middleton

I’m keeping this cover full-size, because are you kidding me?

Here is OK!’s exclusive list of ways Kate Middleton stays fit:

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  • She eats a healthy diet.
  • She exercises.
  • She does Pilates and yoga.
  • She juices.
  • She has a partner (William) “who really appreciates the effort that Kate puts in to keeping the entire family healthy.”

Interview of the Week

Here are the two best questions and answers from In Touch’s interview with Drew Barrymore.


And Also:

  • Kelly Ripa “wants revenge” on Michael Strahan, aka she’s telling “her friends” to boycot appearances on GMA.
  • Emily Ratajkowski is “starting to rub her few serious contacts the wrong way” because of her clinginess to bigger celebs.
  • Rachel McAdams is “secretly seeing” a “hunky Argentinian businessman” named Diogenes Vasquez.
  • Justin Timberlake thinks Jessica Biel’s fudge restuarant is a shitbox.
  • Lena Dunham is worried that Jack Antonoff is cheating on her with Lorde.
  • Jon Hamm fell off the wagon.
  • Kelly Rowland wore it better than Alessandra Ambrosio.
  • Katie Holmes wore it better than Kate Bosworth.
  • Kate Upton wore it better than Karlie Kloss.
  • Lily Aldridge wore it better than Selena Gomez.
  • Gwyneth Paltrow’s guidance is the reason Beyonce and Jay made it through his infidelity.
  • Charlize Theron: “I’ve never played a character I didn’t like or empathize with on some level.”
  • Eddie Cibrian and LeAnn Rimes are divorcing.
  • Josh Duggar was spotted at a Tennessee min-golf course.
  • Scarlett Johansson was denied entry into an NYC club and “began questioning the bouncer as to why Leonardo DiCaprio...was let in and she wasn’t.”

Wrong Answers:


Appendix:

Fig. 1 - In Touch