Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we impulse buy a first class ticket to Nice, take a train to Cannes, crash the red carpet, and scream compliments at Cate Blanchett until we are thrown into the sea by her bodyguards. Today, Justin dumped Jen after a 990-day engagement, Kylie is still pregnant, Kourtney is mad at Scott for sleeping with her sisters, and Brad Pitt is bisexual.

Commençons.

OK!

KYLIE: PREGNANT AT 17!

17-year-old Kylie Jenner is pregnant and 25-year-old Tyga is the father and Kylie “believes the baby will keep them together” even though Tyga’s baby with Blac Chyna didn’t keep the two of them together. Phew. I’m exhausted already and we’re only on magazine one. Anyway, Kylie is “obsessed” with Tyga and soooo excited about being a mom. Kylie thinks it “will change everything,” but she’s not the only one. Kris is “pretending” to be distraught by the news, but thinks the pregnancy could make a great spin-off. “She’s positive that people would tune in to watch Kylie’s travails as a young mother.” Klassic Kris.

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After going “to hell and back” together, Demi Lovato and Wilmer Valderrama are getting married. Over the “nearly five years” they’ve been together, Wilmer has been Demi’s “savior” - seeing her through her battles with an “eating disorder, alcohol, and drug abuse.” I’m really happy for the couple and hope they stay together until one or both of them dies. Their love is beautiful. Their love healed Demi.

OK I can’t do this anymore. Despite every ounce of praise Demi has thrown on Wilmer over the past five years, I can’t handle this. I don’t support it. Demi don’t!!! I know we’ve never met and also that I have no clue what I’m talking about but I don’t like you two together. I know people grow up. I know people change. But he was on The List!!!! Remember The List?? Don’t marry anyone on The List.

Dear all tabloid editors,

Quiiiiiitttttt wriiiiitinggggg abbboouuuuuutttt Amallll Cloooonneeeyy

beeeinnnnggg stresssssseeed annnnnd skkkiinnnnnyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!

Love,
Bob

And Also:

  • Scarlett Johansson loves to fish.
  • Eva Longoria is getting an “at-home workout series” on Netflix.
  • Rooney Mara and Kate Mara hate each other.
  • Renee Zellwegger is “Hollywood’s best tipper,” which makes me chipper!
  • HARRY AND CRESSIDA ARE BACK TOGETHER. Get married already and show Kate and William what love really is.
  • Drew Barrymore is giving Cameron Diaz advice about marriage.
  • Hayden Panettiere and her Redwood of a boyfriend are too busy to plan a wedding.
  • Jessica Simpson is sick of her husband’s gray hair.

Grade: F (I’m so bored I could read an article about Amal Clooney being skinny.)


Life & Style

DEVASTATED JEN DUMPED AFTER 990 DAY ENGAGEMENT

She fell in love. She got engaged. She maybe got pregnant. But now poor Jennifer Aniston, sweetheart among sweethearts, has gotten dumped. “Just days before” their wedding, Justin Theroux called it the hell off, and Life & Style has every detail you could possibly want. Open your eyes as wide as they’ll go, because here’s how it went down:

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“Justin was on the phone with Jen when she brought up an issue with the wedding menu...She asked him if he thought they should have salmon or shellfish — and he replied, ‘I’m not ready.’”

So, basically he did this:

Possibly-pregnant Kylie is “obsessed with plastic surgery” and an insider says “she’ll be unrecognizable by 21.” Her new obsession began with lip fillers, but now she wants a bigger butt, bigger boobs, “a slimmed jawline,” and “a nose job.” Parenting expert Jen Abas de Jong told Life & Style she thinks this is a bad idea. OK! “A parent’s job is to help the child embrace who they are…[Kris took] a shortcut to parenting.” Yes. Blame Kris for everything. I’m OK with that strategy.

Now that Princess Charlotte has been squeezed out of the royal womb, Queen Elizabeth II wants Kate to go back to work. Work = “royal duties,” and royal duties = __________? An insider says “she thinks a month is more than enough time for Kate to take off,” and that her demands are “seriously stressing Kate out.” Basically the Queen is all, “Hire dozens of nannies! We’re royals!” and Kate is like, “I hate you.” Which means William was probably all, “Granny dear, would you mind easing up on dear Kate? She wants to be a mum to Charlotte in the way she pleases,” and then the Queen was like, “I swear to god, the men in this family have no balls,” which made Harry smirk and say, “I have balls and I used them all the time,” and then the Queen went, “I wish I were dead.”

And Also:

  • Charlize and Sean are holding off on their wedding.
  • Ian and Nikki aren’t holding off on trying to get pregnant.
  • Amal Clooney “considers herself the world’s glamorous attorney” and wants to be on the cover of Vogue.
  • Vanessa Hudgens bought some new clothes.
  • If you don’t walk around with a tricolor bag this week you will be added to a CIA watchlist.
  • If you don’t wear purple makeup this week you will be moved to the top of that CIA watchlist.

Wrong Answer:

Grade: D- (I’m so bored I could go shopping with Vanessa Hudgens.)


InTouch

THE ULTIMATE BETRAYAL

KOURTNEY TO SCOTT:

YOU SLEPT WITH MY SISTERS!

Scott Disick may be Kourtney Kardashian’s beau (not to mention the father of her children), but that doesn’t mean she’s the only Kardashian/Jenner he’s introducing to The Lord. That’s right, Scott has schtupped Khloe, Kim, and Kylie. Every source on the planet has confirmed it. But wait, which sister didn’t he bang? Kendall. No source or insider or parenting expert said Scott bonked Kendall. Just the other ones. He’s even “flirting” with Kris a lot! But never with Kendall. Scott doesn’t even know Kendall exists.

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Speaking of not having sex, Bey and Jay are separating. A source says “things have been terrible for a long time” and that “Beyoncé wants a trial separation.” They even tried therapy! But nope, it didn’t take. Jay has “been cheating, and she doesn’t want to keep up the charade anymore,” so she’s moving away. Remember how they bought a house in New Orleans recently? It wasn’t for “them” at all - it was just for her. In New Orleans, she and Blue can be near Solange and Tina and away from Jay’s trifling. Can you imagine a NOLA-inspired Beyonce breakup album? It probably wouldn’t be as good as a NOLA-inspired Beck breakup album, but it’d be close.

Prepare thyselves, because a new season of The Bachelorette has begun. The tabloids will soon be inundated with Bachelorette photos and Bachelorette news and Bachelorette gossip and Bachelorette interviews and I, for one, cannot wait. Now that Britt’s out and in love with Brady (whom I was unfairly scolded by Erin and Kate for liking), Kaitlyn Bristowe, the 29-year-old sole survivor, is ready to find the man of her dreams. But Britt did her part to make sure she wouldn’t. An insider said that “instead of teaching the guys about herself...she told all the buys that Kaitlyn wasn’t looking for love and that she’s fake...It was such a low move, but for Britt it was the ultimate revenge.” They’re gonna bring her back, right? Midseason? Sweeps week? God, I hope so.

And Also:

  • A lot of people think Kim Kardashian’s book of selfies smells.
  • Melissa Rivers and Kathy Griffin are enemies now.
  • I learned that Stephen Baldwin has a daughter after seeing a photo of Stephen Baldwin’s daughter’s new hair color.
  • Ginger Spice married a “motor racing team boss”?
  • Ashley Olsen’s Lyme disease is getting worse.
  • Bethenny Frankel’s divorce is getting worse.
  • Jon and Kate’s general existence is getting worse.
  • Wear lemon yellow this week or set fire to your wardrobe.

Wrong Answer:

Grade: F- (I’m so bored I could roll around in grass filled with deer ticks.)


Star

BRAD: SECRET BISEXUAL

Bi bi, Brad! A “reliable source” named Hesham Ibrahim has told Star that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s relationship “has long been built on the understanding that Brad is allowed to discreetly stray...with other men.” Ibrahim was happy to be blunt: “I don’t want to define Brad Pitt’s sexuality, but whatever it is, he’s into guys.” Oh dang! And not only is he into guys, he’s “picky” about them, too. He’s been known to call on male escorts, then send them away when they arrived not quite as hot as he’d expected. “Brad took one look at [an escort named Cameron Fox], gave him a thousand dollars, and asked him to leave.” Oh dang again! The good thing is that Angelina knows all about it. There are apparently no secrets between them, and Ibrahim doesn’t think “they’re ever going to break up.”

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Bye bye, Nicole and Keith! The Aussie lovebirds are headed for divorce after “months of nonstop fighting,” presumably about who gets to use the straightener first. Just buy another one, you two! I know you can afford it! In addition to the straightener issue, sources say they fight about “everything from their overloaded schedules and travel demands to jealousy issues and family plans.” Nicole wanted to do a play in London and Keith got mad. Keith wanted to take their daughters on tour with him and Nicole got mad. Nicole wanted to take a road trip with Sandra Bullock and Keith got mad. Wait. What? Why would you get mad about that? In what world could you ever get mad at someone for wanting to take a road trip with Sandra Bullock? If someone got mad at me for wanting to take a road trip with Sandra Bullock I would never speak to them again. Grab the kids and run, Nicole. Drive that Thunderbird away from mean old Mr. Urban.

I’ll use any excuse to post these pictures:

And also:

  • No one hates each other more than Julia Roberts and Amal Clooney hate each other.
  • OK never mind, no one hates each other more than Amy Schumer and Blake Lively hate each other.
  • Viola Davis still takes the subway.
  • Madonna and Diplo are doing it (fuckin’).
  • Christina Aguilera and Matt Rutler are doing it (fightin’).
  • Calvin Harris is already cheating on Taylor Swift.
  • Gwyneth Paltrow and Brad Falchuck are already breaking up.

Wrong Answer:

Wrong Numbers:

Grade: D+ (I’m so bored I could watch Big Horse.)


Appendix:

Fig. 1 - InTouch

Fig. 2 - InTouch

Fig. 3 - InTouch

Fig. 4 - Life&Style

Fig. 5 - OK!


Contact the author at bobby@jezebel.com.