This Week in Tabloids: Another Lady Quits The Bachelor ('He's a Jerk')

Welcome back to Midweek Madness! Every Wednesday, Callie Beusman skips to the newsstand to procure the celebrity weeklies (In Touch, Ok!, Us, Star, Life & Style) and together we peruse these silly nursery rhymes of gossip. This week: Kate Middleton is pregnant with a little princess; Juan Pablo is a “jerk” and an “asshole,” and, like a car careening down an icy highway, Kim Kardashian’s butt is out of control. Gather ’round and listen to these tall tales!

MY BUTT WON’T STOP GROWING!

Kim Kardashian has “lost control” of her butt, alleges one of the grossest articles to ever grace the pages of a tabloid: “Her world-famous backside strained to escape the confines of her trousers while the universally dreaded muffin top poked over the top.” From there, the magazine goes on to shame: “It’s pathetic,” says a “source,” to gleefully quote mean Internet comments — some cruelest ones are superimposed on pictures of Kim (Fig. 1) — and to accuse her of “hiding the truth about her body” with oversized coats. The whole thing is horrible and vile, and it literally ends with this quote: “She wants to be famous for having a great butt — not a scary one.” Goodnight, world. In other news, Miley Cyrus has reached a “new low” (which is impressive because her old “new low” was in the tabloid headlines just last week)! This newest low consists of sexual and drug-related antics in her Bangerz tour: “suggestively riding a hot dog, grinding on a little person dressed as the Liberty Bell and graphically simulating masturbation.” Her concert-goers are reportedly “disgusted,” but also that’s maybe what she’s going for: “She said she wanted people to leave feeling shocked and grossed out,” says an insider. At least they’re feeling something? Moving on: Justin Theroux didn’t fly across the country for Jennifer Aniston’s 45th birthday, signaling end times or something. Poor Jen spent the day “holed up alone in her new 8,500-square-foot Bel Air mansion” and eating at Soho House with her friends. OMG, SOUNDS MISERABLE. Finally, having spent quite a few pages shaming Kim Kardashian for her butt, the magazine doesn’t want celebrity breasts to feel left out: there’s a 4-page spread of “celebrity boob blunders.” Fuck all of this. (Fig. 2)

Grade: F- (ashes, ashes we all fall down)

KIM’S BODY CRISIS

In this week’s SECOND cover story about Kim Kardashian’s backside, the mag insists that Kim’s butt is very much in her control — in fact, she’s spending thousands on “constant fat injections” (is she hooked up to a butt-injection machine at all times? Maybe.) and padded underwear to make it appear bigger. She’s also spending thousands on fillers and botox and face lifts because she’s insecure and stressed about her upcoming wedding. Ugh, whatever. Moving on: Tori Spelling is very capable of raising her children alone now that Dean McDermott is in rehab; she’s saving money and working hard to run the household by herself. She and Dean intend to work together to save their marriage, which they might be able to televise. Next: Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes are so close to breaking up, for real this time, guys. This story is very stale and unoriginal, and the same bevy of details as usual are trotted out: she wants him to commit, he’s an introvert, he maybe still loves Rachel McAdams. Yawn. In other news, Britney Spears dyed her hair light brown WITHOUT ASKING PERMISSION, which has everyone worried because apparently no one in the world has anything better to fret about.

Grade: F (three blind mice… all ran after the farmer’s wife, who cut off their tails with a carving knife)

BABY JOY & DRAMA

Carrie Underwood has a very perfect life and maybe, possibly wants to have a baby this year — so “baby joy” is a bit of a misnomer. Real quote from this article, about her life with her husband: “The lovebirds reign as Nashville’s golden couple, with $80 million padding their thrones.” Sounds fun! Kelly Clarkson, on the other hand, is having “baby drama,” which mostly means that she has morning sickness and one time someone on the Internet said that her husband cheated on her. Great. Moving on, here’s a THIRD angle on Kim Kardashian’s butt: Kanye wants to have another baby, but Kim is so happy about her body that she refuses to get pregnant again. “She’s just not ready to give up her $500,000 body,” chirps the copy. Hmmm. The plot thickens (just kidding; it does not). In other news, Juan Pablo is a womanizer, which no one knew from watching the reality show in which he bumbles around a house filled with women and licks them all individually. Anyway, he’s been photographed with a lot of women and been seen flirting a lot and maybe going to a strip club. Surprise! Next: Selena Gomez, Taylor Swift and Demi Lovato have all united against Miley Cyrus. Miley Cyrus might have hooked up with Justin Bieber while he was dating Selena, so the trio has imposed Party Sanctions upon Miley (they won’t attend club events if Miley is there, causing her demand to drop.) Apparently, Miley didn’t go to the Grammys because she didn’t want to be in Taylor’s row. So it’s like high school, but with very famous singing millionaires. Fun! Finally, the mag hops aboard the “Jennifer Aniston abandoned on her 45th birthday” train. In a fun twist, they take a sarcastic comment out of context — specifically, something she said to Gloria Steinem disparaging society’s insistence that women are only valuable if they marry and reproduce — and use it to make her sound sad and alone. Feminism!

Grade: D- (an old woman who lives in a shoe and has so many children she doesn’t know what to do)

IT’S A GIRL!

As usual, the faux-obstetricians at Star have trained their X-ray eyes on Kate Middleton and issued an Unsolicited Uterus Update. She is with child, they claim, and a female human will spring forth from her shortly. The proof? Her “ear-to-ear smile, shiny hair and luminous skin.” The copy states that Will and Kate have already told his grandmother, QEII, about the baby, and she has started “organizing heirlooms” for the kid. Diamonds, handmade nightgowns embroidered with real lace and pearls, an antique armoire — you know, stuff fetuses need. Meanwhile, Prince Philip is promising to give the little girl a secret garden in her own name on the Buckingham Palace grounds. Kate is picking out furniture and paint for the nursery and the baby might be named Alexandra “known as Alexa.” Of course, in 2011 and 2012, Star claimed Kate was having twins. So consider the source. Moving on: Bruce Jenner’s hair is now a “sexy ombré.” (Fig. 3) Miley Cyrus’s “dream role” is to play Tinker Bell in NBC’s live broadcast of Peter Pan. Second star to the right and straight on til barfing! Jared Leto and Lupita Nyong’o are “getting cozy” and were spotted “looking loved up” while having dinner together. They have “undeniable chemistry” and the mag has given them a name: Jarita. Mmm, Jarritos. This story about Jennifer Aniston’s “birthday heartbreak” is so familiar it’s like looking into a mirror — albeit a mirror with the phrases “constant nagging over getting married and having children made things worse” and “alone at 45” written on it. Finally, a delightful tale titled “Kim & Kanye’s Living Hell!” is all about how the couple is renovating an $11 million Bel Air mansion but the neighbor who sold them the property is pissed because “everything in the house was top of the line, and they’ve just trashed it.” The injured party states: “the master bathroom was spectacular… But it had to be ripped out because their idea of beautiful is four gold-plated toilets.” And: “Other pricey ‘improvements’ include a Swarovski-crystal-encrusted refrigerator.” Right. An iced-out ice box. Sure. Way too cold, you promise we’ll need some Theraflu.

Grade: D- (down will come baby, cradle and all)

FANTASY SUITE NIGHTMARE!

By now you have figured out that this mag cut a deal with ABC for exclusive Bachelor info, which the editors have been turning into cover stories. Apparently, following Sharleen’s departure this week, next week, on the February 25th episode, another woman will dump Juan Pablo and leave the show. The magazine won’t name the woman, but it’s either Clare, Nikki, Renee or Andi, because that’s who’s left. The lady in question goes into the fantasy suite with JP and, according to an insider, “she sleeps with Juan Pablo” and “they stay up the rest of the night talking.” It’s the talking part that goes badly: JP tells the woman about his fantasy suite date with a different contestant. Ew. He also informs the woman that she almost got sent home. Then he talks about himself so much she gets frustrated, and upon leaving the suite, calls him “immature, rude, inappropriate” and deems the evening “a disaster.” A couple of days later she “lets him have it,” telling him she’s never been with someone who asked her so little about herself, and ends: “there’s a difference between being honest and being and asshole.” Sounds like quality television. Also in this issue: In “25 Things You Don’t Know About Me,” Robin Wright reveals her style is “the complete opposite” of Claire Underwood’s. Miley Cyrus and Jared Leto are having “hot hookups”; she stayed over at his house in L.A. recently and they bonded because they both like art, music and nudity. Jesus those conversations must be excruciating. Oh wait, they’re probably stoned? Next, Jessica Simpson’s “body is back” — not because it went on a Kerouacian cross-country road trip but because she’s on Weight Watchers. Finally, Downton Abbey‘s Laura Carmichael — aka Lady Edith — says if the show were set in the modern day, Edith would “totally be a fashion editor. Don’t you think she’d just be fierce?”

Grade: B- (Jack fell down and broke his crown)

Addendum

Fig. 1, from In Touch

Fig. 2, from In Touch

Fig. 3, from Star

Fig. 4, from Us