This Week in Tabloids: Amanda Bynes Is Not Crazy, Says Amanda Bynes
CelebritiesWelcome back to Midweek Madness! This week, Kristine Gutierrez had the honor of heading to the newsstand to pick up the latest issues of Ok!, In Touch, Us, Star, and Life & Style. She assists as we go on a vision quest, searching for meaning in the tabloids. Today: A former nanny for the Kardashians spills non-scandalous “secrets”; Kanye is already over Kim; Kate Middleton bought a blue pram; and Amanda Bynes says she’s not crazy.
Ok!
“Yes, We’re Having A Baby!”
Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert are not having a baby, but they’re considering it, just like how Amanda Bynes is probably considering stripping (she’s not). Their busy lives have forced them to express their libido through emojis, and endless rumors about Adam Levine’s shitty influence on Blake’s flirtatious habits have strained their relationship. But both apparently feel super ready to have a baby, or as Lambert states it: “run into a each other in the hallway and something’s going to be created.” If that’s how babies are made, we’re all pregnant, right? Farrah Abraham and Angelina Jolie have something in common: both are starving themselves to get thinner. Apparently Farrah is now subsiding on a diet of money, attention and lots of penis. Both of their kids are kind of freaking out about their absence during meals. Sad. Kristen Stewart and Kim Kardashian’s families are total douchebags, but we already knew that. Apparently, Kristen and her mom gang up on RPatz ALL THE TIME and tease him about his manners. The couple can never bang because RPatz always has laundry to do or the mom teases his dick or something. Meanwhile, when it comes to Kanye and the Kardashians, Yeezy is So Appalled because they’re Creepers and he Heard Em Say Through the Wire that the KimYe relationship is Family Business. He’s asking for Mercy and Kim’s like mmmkay. Lastly: Backstreet Boys got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. How timely.
Grade: F (seeing a white light after drinking cyanide-laced Kool-Aid)
Life & Style
“I’m Back In A Bikini!”
In which Khloé Kardashian’s weight is “news.” After losing 30 pounds by boxing and eating healthy, she wears two-piece bikinis and exudes confidence (she does look great and healthy). You can sleep well tonight, Barack Obama. Adam Levine ‘s parents’ divorce was a painful and scarring experience for the then-seven-year-old rocker. That’s why he’s a womanizer! Duh. “Experts” believe that the divorce instilled intense fear of “abandonment and failure,” so he abandons and fails his Victoria’s Secret models to avoid feeling abandoned and failed (?). Poor thing. Lauren Conrad just bought a $3.74 Millie home in Brentwood and there is literally nothing else exciting going on with her life. Drew Berrymore has a wine line called Berrymore Wine, and surely it’s got that edgy-rocker-cute flavor, or it just tastes like Yellowtail. Prince Harry is ready to propose to girlfriend Cressida Bonas. He was inspired by how in-love his older brother is to Duchess Kate. However, Kate is super protective of Harry and thinks that Cressida is just leading Harry on. Cressida might say “no” to his imaginary proposal due to the royal pressures, so Kate should back off because not everyone wants the cameras on them all the time. In other nuptial news, Bachelor Sean is still going to marry Catherine Giudici, but only because he’ll bank $1 million for the wedding. Shocking. Finally: Creeper of the week Jason Hoppy – estranged husband of Bethenny Frankel and soon to be divorcee – still sleeps in Bethenny’s apt but in another room. Moocher.
F (seeing phantoms after eating jimson weed )
In Touch
“Used.”
Inside, the title of the story is “Kanye Wants the Baby, Not Me!” Although this is not a direct quote from Kim Kardashian and there’s no real evidence that Yeezy is no longer interested in Kim, the article claims that while on vacation in Mykonos, Kim “looked miserable.” An “insider” swears that Kanye has “absolutely no intention of walking down the aisle” with Kim and only wants her unborn fetus. Apparently Kim used to be hot and desirable but is now a “worldwide joke” and Kanye is trying to figure out how to get out of the whole mess. He’s OVER IT. The wedding is not happening and Kim is going to be depressed forever. Moving on! Kate Middleton bought a blue pram, and that might mean she is having a boy. Sarah Ferguson is pushing her nephew Prince Harry to marry Cressida Bonas, but Kate Middleton doesn’t trust the young lady. Bachelor Sean Lowe is getting closer to his DWTS partner Peta Murgatroyd, who recently broke up with some dude she was seeing and now calls Sean “baby” in public. Oh, and get this: Page 34 features an exclusive interview with Amanda Bynes, who doesn’t actually say the words “I’m not crazy.” (Fig. 1) She does say she doesn’t drink or smoke pot; she explains he got her cheeks pierced because former stripper Blac Chyna has them, and reminds us all — again — that although she is by no means heavy and a quite tall 5’8″, she hopes to be 100 lbs. sometime soon. Godspeed. What else? Eva Longoria is living with Ernesto Arguello, whom she met on her canceled TV show Ready For Love. Michael Lohan says Lindsay is bipolar and addicted to Adderall and “needs a nurse 24 hours a day.” Zac Efron is hooking up with costar Maika Monroe. Janice Dickinson has filed for bankruptcy but humbly swears she “will get back on TV” and get her own talk show: “I will prevail.” She also says: “I have perfect bone structure and my lips are mine.” Last, but not least: Certain celebrity moms are “stressed & scary skinny,” although the tabloids have been saying that about Angelina Jolie since 2005. But the real lesson is that women are too skinny or too fat and always just objects, bodies for open-season critque. Whee. (Fig. 2)
Grade: D (seeing colors after too much Benadryl)
Us
“Countdown to Baby!”
This story is chock-full of details about Kate Middleton’s plans for the kid the stork is bringing her, as well as information about How Things Are Done in the royal family. Kate and William plan to let the baby sleep in their bedroom — at least in the begining — which is not how The Queen did it when Charles was born: She saw him for a half hour each morning and night. That infamous British warmth! When William was born, in 1982, he had a staff of three in a three-room nursery; Kate and William are not planning that kind of rigamarole at all. They allegedly have a “small” nursery that is “humble” and when party-planning Pippa offered to throw Kate a baby shower (an American tradition some Brits have adopted), Kate said no. Nice normal softer gentler royals, just like you always dreamed of. Also inside: Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel are planning on getting pregnant. Jennifer Aniston has pushed back her wedding, not wanting it to be anywhere near the date Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have chosen for theirs. Finally, we totally love the “Star Sparkler” quiz asking which hideous ring belongs to which celebrity (Fig. 3). Avril Lavigne, are you cereal?
Grade: C+ (seeing random baby clothes on Pinterest)
Star
“Nanny Tells All!”
A lady named Pam Behan — who took care of the Kardashian kids between 1991 and 1996 — has written a book called Malibu Nanny: Adventures of the Former Kardashian Nanny, and this “exclusive” interview is basically a book plug. Pam started working for the family the day Kris married Bruce, and was, at the time, a 19-year-old Pepperdine student who had previously worked for Bruce’s wife, taking care of Brandon and Brody Jenner. Pam says Kourtney was a serious child, Kim was beautiful but quiet, and Khloe was “a pistol.” Earth-shattering. Pam tells the mag that one day Kris gave her a shopping list and sent her to the grocery store When she came back, Kris said, “Where is the broccoli?” Pam said broccoli wasn’t on the list. Kris yelled “I can’t fucking believe you fucking forgot the fucking broccoli.” Pam also claims that Kris was mean to Khloe about her weight and that Kim and Kourtney fought about clothes a lot. That’s about it: Nothing exciting, shocking or scandalous. Let’s move on. Johnny Depp and Amber Heard are totes in love. For the amount of cash Brad and Angelina have spent on cosmetic procedures, you could buy a small apartment in New York (Fig. 4). Simon Cowell wants Demi Lovato to lose weight, despite the fact that she is recovering from an eating disorder. WTF. Tom Cruise is convinced that he is shrinking and has already lost a quarter of an inch. Gwyneth Paltrow wants to have her own daytime talk show and be the “New Age Ellen DeGeneres.” A picture of Kelly Osbourne has the caption “baby or burger” when the answer is NORMAL BELLY JESUS CHRIST (Fig. 5). Miranda Lambert is jealous of Blake Shelton’s close relationship with Sheryl Crow. Joe Giudice is cheating on Teresa again. And finally, Justin Theroux’s brother’s (Theroux bro? Broroux?) mug shots are kind of hot? Y/N? (Fig. 6)
Grade: C- (seeing the face of an old lady when looking in an antique mirror)
Addendum
Fig. 1, from In Touch
Fig. 2, from In Touch
Fig. 3, from Us
Fig. 4, from Star
Fig. 5, from Star
Fig. 6, from Star