This Week in Tabloids: A Creepy Portrait of the Royal Baby as a Teen
CelebritiesWelcome back to Midweek Madness. Every Wednesday, we hit the newsstand and buy the latest issues of Ok!, In Touch, Life & Style, Us and Star. Today, Callie Beusman assists as we drink the sweet, nutritious juice supplied by the celebrity weeklies. This week, Serena van der Woodsen placed a hand upon her belly and instantly became with chylde; Kim Kardashian’s new body is actually her old 2012 body; and we invited you to gaze upon the first portrait of Prince George as a teenager.
Star
“I GOT MY BODY BACK!”
Yes, when we see coverlines like this, we’re tempted to ask “Got her body back from whom?” But here’s the deal: The photo of Kim Kardashian in a black bikini that appears on this cover is from August 2012. Purposely misleading, since there’s a photo captioned “195 lbs on April 3” with an arrow pointing to the swimsuit picture. The human eye reads this as “then and now.” Inside, the trickery continues; a photo of Kim in a striped dress is labeled “then” and is juxtaposed next to a photo of Kim in an orange and brown bikini, which, again is from 2012 (Fig. 1). Since the photo doesn’t say “NOW,” the magazine is not explicitly printing falsehoods, but still. Very deceitful. Also inside: Some knee-shaming for Jennifer Aniston (Fig. 2). Anne Hathaway’s autobiography has been rejected by numerous publishing houses because “her life isn’t interesting and she’s just not popular enough.” Burn. Will and Jada Pinkett Smith’s Scientology-based school has shut down, thank Xenu. Bethenny Frankel has a “major crush” on Seth MacFarlane. (Cue someone shouting, “Show him your boobs!”) The “special report” called “Hollywood On Heroin” is just a list of people who have done drugs, from River Phoenix to Robert Downey Jr., Nicole Richie and Russell Brand. Special. Model Jessica White has a crush on Tom Cruise and he is “pulling all the stops to sweep her off her feet.” Show her your Operating Thetan cufflinks? Finally, an experienced age progression artist has created a portrait of the royal baby, and it appears that little Prince George will grow up to look like a One Direction bandmember! (Fig. 3)
Grade: F (powdered Tang)
Ok!
EXCLUSIVE! BLAKE & RYAN PREGNANT
Blake Lively is pregnant, says an insider (Gossip Girl?). How do we know? One time she touched her stomach. One time she wore a gauze sweater to a premiere in the summer. One time she didn’t drink at a luncheon. Can’t wait til the terrifying FaceMorph composite nightmare infant (Fig. 3) pops out! In other news, Kanye West is auditioning body doubles for Kim and Baby North because he’s terrified of kidnappers. According to a “friend,” “Kim says she hopes her decoy is beautiful — with a body to die for — but not too glamorous, in case Kanye takes an interest in her!” This rom-com is writing itself. Guess who else is touching their stomach in public and thus definitely bursting with child? Jennifer Aniston! Further evidence: she is now eating French Fries with spicy ranch dressing. “She is practically shouting: ‘Look at me. I am pregnant.” says the magazine. Yes, indeed. Practically shouting. Next: Kristen Stewart is devastated that Rob’s moved on, so her runway model pal was like, “Here, Kristen, borrow my longtime boyfriend, Boardwalk Empire actor Michael Pitt, for a little bit. That will send the whole world into chaos.”
Grade: F (orange Kool-Aid)
In Touch
KHLOE: MY LIFE WITHOUT LAMAR
More tripe about Lamar Odom cheating on Khloe Kardashian. According to this article, though, Khloe knew all about Jennifer Richardson, the alleged mistress. Blah blah invasive speculations about a Khloe’s infertility blah blah Lamar not Tweeting enough about his wife blah blah reality TV. Next. Gwen Stefani’s son wore eyeliner and bright pink lipstick. The mag worries that Gwen and Gavin Have Gone Too Far in a two-page spread gender policing a 7-year-old — also featuring a lil’ info graphic of some famous toddlers who’ve been scrutinized for not “doing gender right” in the past (Fig. 4). Moving on: Daniel Radcliffe was sweaty and wide-eyed after performing in a play, prompting speculations that he’s high on drugs. And, finally, Jason Hoppy and Bethenny Frankel’s divorce gets uglier as he alleges that she was a bad mother. Hoppy claims that his ex-wife did weird shit in front of their 3-year-old daughter, such as throwing water on him while yelling that she has “more money than God.” Friends of Frankel insist that Hoppy is just out for revenge. Bethenny Getting Married 2: Hoppy’s Revenge. Yawn.
Grade: D- (Sunkist soda)
Life & Style
LEA’S FINAL GOODBYE
Lea Michelle joined Cory Monteith’s family in a private viewing of his body. Days later, she went to view the memorial by the hotel in which he passed away. The magazine recounts their last days together, which seemed completely happy and idyllic. According to a friend of the actress, “Lea was convinced that Cory was clean and that they were going to have kids one day.” So, so sad. In less traumatizing news, an eyewitness alleges that Khloe Kardashian konfronted Lamar’s “other woman” at an LA Clippers game. The other woman in question, Jennifer Richardson, has been publicly announcing the affair to tabloids for, like, ever now. Nonetheless, a friend of Jennifer’s claims that “Jen didn’t know that Khloe knew about her. It really freaked her out.” Oh, ok. (Khloe denies that the confrontation took place at all). Next. Bachelorette contestant Brooks Forester made out with a 51-year-old woman in 2011. “Desiree Hartsock, 27, likely won’t be pleased with Brooks’ passionate lip-lock with an older woman,” claims the story. Oh, God. Cancel the whole show. Send Brooks to jail.
Grade: D (orange Fanta)
Us
REJECTED!
Desiree Hartsock sold her soul to ABC and now her life is fraught. Some dude walks out on the show in an upcoming episode, but the mag has witheld the name of the guy so as not to spoil anything for you, so derp derp. Next. J’Anthrax are madly in love and the wedding is on, so eff what ya heard. While Jennifer Aniston is filming a comedy in NYC, Justin Theroux “hangs” in her tailer while she shoots. Scintillating. Garrett Hedlund has turned down the role of Christian Grey in 50 Shades, which is too bad because he’s what’s known in the scientific community as a stone cold fox. Lastly, a sad story about Lea Michele informs us that she is “destroyed,” “devastated,” “a wreck,” “torn up” and “in no state to be seen in public.” Gah.
Grade: D+ (orange Crush)
Addendum
Fig. 1, from Star
Fig. 2, from Star
Fig. 3, from Star
Fig. 4, from Ok!
Fig. 5, from In Touch