Vogue’s wedding announcements are aspirational schadenfreude: they allow you to peek into the lifestyle of the super-rich, while simultaneously reassuring you that most of the couples featured are totally detached from reality, as they are likely tasked with the continuance of stiff, modern-day dynasties. The announcements are God’s gift to the normal.

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But the magazine’s article about Lauren Schwab and Bobby Webster’s East Hampton wedding (which featured performance and installation art, as well as a silent disco) has outdone all Vogue’s previous work. It is big. It is meaningful. It is immortal. Because of this sentence:

“It truly was this Burning Man meets chic Hamptons garden soiree with Hawaiian bonfire and bluegrass music lovefest,” gushed Marissa Vosper, Schwab’s close friend and business partner.

I wish I could quote more, about how the butterfly headdresses worn by performance artists were inspired by Radiolab, or how seating assignments were hung from “sphagnum moss falling from the boughs of a weeping cherry tree,” but I can’t, because I am dead.


Contact the author at joanna@jezebel.com.

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Image via Zadorozhna Natalia/Shutterstock.