Only an hour ago, I was sitting in my living room petting my guinea pigs and being blissfully unaware that the person you are about to meet exists. But then, a tipster (let's call him Brian, because that is his name) sent in the most nutty list of demands you've seen on OKCupid since...ever. Oh my god, what even is this?

While we will never reveal who the woman making this brobdingnagian* and unreasonable list of demands is, it is imperative that the public at large knows that she is out there, single and waiting for you to let her know just how much you work out. Because she's not going to respond without that information. Or without fifty or so more useless pieces of trivia. Or a DNA sample.

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The thing is, things start out pretty normal, if a little demanding. My OKCupid criteria for people messaging me was "if you are awesome" (with awesomeness being self-evaluated), but I understand that some people are a little more thorough.

You should message me if:

You like what my profile has to offer, and most importantly, if you think I would still be interested in you. I know exactly what I want and I feel like I've described exactly what I want on here. If that's not you, sorry. But I'm not going to settle for anything less. But out of respect please don't send me ridiculous messages that are irrelevant to us getting to know each other. Also don't write me some super general message essentially just saying you're interested in me. Keep reading and you'll see what I'm looking for in your message. I want you to tell me everything. And don't message me if all you have are questions as to why I look for what I do. If I'm not interested in you, leave it at that. Honestly I don't care enough to satisfy your inquiries. And don't message me to solely tell me that I'm attractive and that I wouldn't like you. And finally I would like to add, that if you include a link to your Facebook in your message, the chance of me responding will greatly go up. And if you don't have a Facebook.. then I really don't see us going very far. I use Facebook a lot. And if you don't have an account that you regularly use (though I don't expect you to necessarily regularly use it either as long as you have a legitimate one), it makes me think you're someone you aren't. Or you're not a real person. If you know what I mean? I mean this IS online dating. There are creepers out there. I just wanna know you're a normal person. Either that or if you're gonna tell me you don't have one then you're probably lying. Just saying.

Yes, that is all one paragraph and not a formatting issue. No, I don't get it either. It just all runs together and the only thing I could really pick out was that this woman uses Facebook a lot and also knows what she wants and isn't going to settle for anything less than some unidentified criteria that you may or may not fit. She'll just know. It's a chemistry thing. (Incidentally, I once paid $50 for a monthlong membership to Chemistry and then saw all the same people on OKCupid, which was messed up. I also had only three dates from that site, none of them successful because I was 23 and working in a video store and everyone else was like a lawyer and a doctor. What I'm trying to say is don't pay for Chemistry.)

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So, here's where things go a little (okay, a lot) off the rails. Please put on your hardhat and tighten your seatbelt because this is a bumpy and entirely unreasonable ride. In fact, it is so bumpy and unreasonable that it is possible that this profile is fake or a joke. If not, however, there really is a person out there who wants to know how many penises you've touched (2-7) before even saying hello.

So, when you message me you should tell me:

  • your (preferably full) name
  • your Facebook URL (If you don't use Facebook, that would be quite crippling)
  • how long you've been single
  • if you've ever met anyone from a dating website (by met I mean in person)
  • when your last "date" was, and a brief explanation as to why it didn't work out
  • opinion on "friends with benefits"?
  • when your last sexual encounter took place (ANY kind, not necessarily strictly vaginal sex. Though I suppose you could specify if otherwise)
  • how many girls (or guys as well I guess?) have touched your penis (if any) (I would ask how many people you've slept with but apparently there are some really strange people out there who don't consider stuff like oral sex, sex. So asking this question gives me a more general answer. If you find this one to be a little personal, I understand, but I would still like to know probably due to my fascination with sexuality. No reason to lie about your answer either, I'm not judging it.)
  • how many vaginas have you touched?
  • is there anything you like to do, regularly? Hobbies or anything like that? What takes up your time, if not work?
  • when's the last time you made out with someone?
  • what's your living situation? (alone? room mates? house? apt? rent? own? etc.)
  • if you have or have ever had any type of STD
  • what you're hoping to get out of messaging me, maybe a prediction of what the future could hold with us
  • also, as an extension to that last point, if you aren't local (if you are then this doesn't apply), how do you see this working out in the long run in terms of distance?

And after that, give me a list (if any) of reasons why I might NOT like you. And don't give me the bullshit reasons. Get right down to it. My profile states EXACTLY what I want, so you should know by now what I wouldn't like. No reason for you to hold back and waste either of our time. If there's something I wouldn't like about you, I would like to know now before we begin to get to know each other, so I can gauge whether or not it's worth looking past, or if I even CAN look past it.

Of course you can message me with whatever extra you like, but this is a good foundation to start with. I apologize if it sounds like a job application or something. But in a sense, it kinda is, right? I just like to know a bit about a person beforehand. I don't like surprises. And if you're not comfortable with answering any of those questions, there's probably a reason. And that reason likely would be a reason why I'm not interested in you.

Also you're more than welcome to just rate me 5 stars to see if I did the same. Sometimes I creep on here and rate people that I would be interested in. I don't really do the sending of a message thing though, that's up to you.

..and make sure you've at least answered, at LEAST a few hundred questions on this site. Otherwise our match percentage is likely inaccurate. If I have time to answer thousands, you have time to answer a few hundred. I put a lot of faith into the matching system on here. It's more accurate than you would think. If we have a high match % and a low enemy %, yet you think my profile is absurd, then maybe you're just digesting it wrong. Wouldn't be the first time.

I don't know. This just seems like a lot of effort. And if nothing else, maybe we can make a love connection between this woman and this dude, who's got a couple of unreasonable demands of his own. Or this guy, who actually turned out to be quite nice. Or this guy. Or this guy. Point is: She's got options.

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*I just really wanted to use this word and have been waiting for an opportunity since April.

H/T: Brian Devine

Image via Shutterstock