Amazing Amy Pascal is a treasure. She is a camp goddess who should become a legendary drag icon. You hear me, queens? Put DOWN that chunky blonde Sia wig and slip into the fiery Medusa curls of Amazing Amy, Earth Mother and Destroyer. Lo, it is Amazing Amy who destroyed the Jobs movie; it is Amy who offered her bountiful teat to succor a wounded George Clooney after his statue movie tanked.
But alas, as Amazing as Amy is, she is also mortal. A human. She was brought down by a group of JEALOUS and BASIC hackers for doing what we all do on email—saying bitchy things about our co-workers, snarking on Adam Driver, and complaining about going to another “ ducking” meeting. Nevertheless, Amy’s amazingness lives on, thanks to wispy blonde Julian Assange, who has put the entire archived Sony leak online.
This includes all of Amazing Amy’s Amazon orders. Amy is our Gwyneth, and this our GOOP. We now present to you Amy’s punishing but necessary beauty regime:
‘Hair Down There’ Pubic Hair Dye: $14.99, Color: Brown Betty
Amy will not be pressured by you and your bare porno-fied American Apparel air-brushed puss! She will keep her (lightly graying) chach bush! For hers is the robe that adorns the seat of power.
Andrea Extra Strength Body Hair Bleach, $.96
Hair—the maintenance, the coloring and the bleaching of it—is a primary Amy concern. She and Scott Rudin exchanged feverish emails regarding Angelina Jolie wigs in the never-to-be-made Cleopatra, were clearly a subconscious expression of a profoundly tonsorial complex. Deeper in her archives reveal are a dozen products Amy uses to control her curl and frizz, such as:
We all have our thing. Amy’s is her powerful gypsy curls.
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