The T-Rex Was a Vicious Predator, But a Gentle and Caring Lover

By Bobby Finger | March 30, 2017 | 6:00pm

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Do you remember that scene in Jurassic Park when Dr. Grant (Sam Niell) and Dr. Sattler (Laura Dern) ask Dr. Hammond (Richard Attenborough) whether or not he has a Tyrannosaurus Rex on the island? You know, when that wackadoo billionaire giggles and says, “We have a T-Rex,” and then Grant just about has a heart attack from the shock? Of course you remember that scene. Everyone remembers that scene. But do you know why that news nearly brought Grant to his knees?

The answer is not “because he was excited to see the iconic beast in person for the first time” (as I’ve thought for the past 24 years) but rather something more… touching. Based on a study reported by The Guardian on Thursday, I’m beginning to think Niell was overjoyed by the realization that he would soon witness firsthand life’s most wondrous expression of love and compassion: T-Rex foreplay.

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When they weren’t scavenging for food or telling other dinosaurs to stop making fun of their tiny little arms, the Tyrannosaur loved to cuddle. Scientists have discovered their snouts were “as sensitive to touch as human fingertips.” They weren’t into having sex, they were into making love.

Writes The Guardian:

But the snout is thought to have served another purpose. Experts believe that males and females rubbed their sensitive faces together in a prehistoric form of foreplay.

Writing in the journal Scientific Reports, the US authors describe how the sensitive skin may have proved crucial to the dinosaur’s mating success. “In courtship, tyrannosaurids might have rubbed their sensitive faces together as a vital part of pre-copulatory play,” they explain.

Damn, these inconceivable monsters were all about pleasure, not pain! So next time you find yourself in a busted Ford Explorer somewhere outside the Tyrannosaur paddock, don’t keep still because you heard their vision is “based on movement.” Wave one down and gently grab its head like you’re going in for a first kiss. Caress her face with your cheek. Tell her that you love being close to her, and that you love sharing her warmth. Get up close to her ear and whisper, “I don’t want to leave you. I want to stay here forever.” Keep rubbing and rubbing until suddenly the T-Rex finally falls asleep in your arms, happy to have finally found a mate after all these years.

Then run back to the helipad, catch the earliest flight to Costa Rica, get on the horn with InGen, and tell them to blow that island to bits. That T-Rex had her shot, but she missed it by about 150 million years.