The Rules for Getting Laid: The Most Hilarious Self-Help Sex Book Ever

David Graff & Ray Schwartz's The Rules for Getting Laid promises that you can "Get the sex you want!" and also, "Feminist women and men will try to ban or burn this book!" so you know we had to check it out. I mean, burning books and bras are our top #1 favorite hobbies after cooking with our placentas and not shaving our legs.

First, let's be thankful for the Small Things — the book opens by reminding dudes that "any sexual interactions with women must be consensual". Phew, now that we've got that mood dampener out of the way, we can get down to tricking the ladies into loving us (if only for one night).

Basically all the advice is what people who want to have sex do already — approach someone you want to have sex with, see if they are also interested in having sex. If yes, have sex. If not, try again with someone else.

Please see:

There are thousands of women who would be happy for you to fuck them tonight! You just don't know who they are and you give up too fast when you aren't willing to face rejection.

That could easily be in a fortune cookie, no?

I'm not totally sure why this book must be in existence, expect for us to laugh at it today. That said, I guess that's reason enough!

Of course, there's some "haha gross dumb fat chicks are desperate for your d" stuff in here:

There is one important caveat about the women you will meet through personal ads or the on the internet—they are very, very likely to be fat ... It's best to think of them as practice arenas. But do use them, and do practice where your ego isn't on the line! Once you get used to being seductive, then you can move up to the strippers and Victoria's Secret models.

I love how the authors manage to insult all people and the internet in one brief passage. Also, this book wasn't written in a time before the internet?? It sounds like some shit outta... I don't know when? A time before there were writing utensils? Or words?

Or maybe I'm just delusional — this could easily be the course material for Jeffy's PUA 101 class. How depressing to know we live on the same planet as men who think the best way to get laid is to pretend to be someone you're not while simultaneously hating yourself and women.

While some of their tips are actually helpful — take showers, don't rape her — others just feel like a rip-off for everyone involved:

The proper way to handle it when a woman tells you her problems is to appear to be listening attentively and nodding occasionally while you get some good thinking done about any other topic you choose.

Is this what men who are reading this book really want? Because I don't think so. I think most dudes are like most women — they want some real mental and emotional connection with the person they want to connect their penis to. I'm not saying everyone you fuck needs to be your soul mate, and sometimes you really just want to get laid, but even in those instances, tips like "think about eating a sandwich while she yammers on about her childhood," aren't a service to anyone. Also, it's probably not gonna get you laid any more than taking an actual interest in a woman who you think is interesting. Give it a try — you might like what you find out — and not just about her. Even better, she might genuinely like you back IMAGINE THAT.

If not, you can stick with this garbage PUA bullshit, and maybe get laid once in awhile, and probably hate yourself, and women. You say potato, I say take a shot at a fulfilling romantic life I BELIEVE IN YOU.

Finally, our authors leave us with this priceless tidbit:

Nothing, we mean nothing, turns a woman off faster than the smell of feces.

Well, at least they got one thing right?

[Village Voice]