This season’s Bachelorette contestant bios are out and my god, where do they find these people?

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When Season 12 of The Bachelorette premieres on May 23, JoJo Fletcher will have her pick of an astoundingly mediocre litter. I know this because I spent a full hour reading through the questionnaires ABC released today, in which one of our 28 contestants described his body as a Lamborghini (“lambo”) two times and another estimated his height at 6'2 and a half.

We have several members of the armed forces, one “erectile dysfunction expert,” one “hipster,” one “Bachelor superfan,” and someone named James Taylor whose job description is “singer-songwriter.” We have a man who answered “Myself in 10 years, alright, alright, alright,” to three consecutive questions. We have many, many pounds of hair gel.

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A small sample of what’s to come:

What’s the most outrageous thing you’ve ever done?

“Ripped the door off a totaled, burning car and pulled the unconscious driver out to safety.”

“Evaded police in Mexico on an ATV.”

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“Left the safety of chiropractic to pursue my fitness and acting dreams.”

What are your three best attributes?

“Humble, creative, athletic”

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“Honesty, experienced, friendly”

“Motivated, handsome, genuine”

“Sense of humor, calm demeanor, and my hair”

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“My drive/desire to succeed, ability to make strangers feel welcome at my place of work, positive attitude”

All-time favorite movies:

“Gladiator” (6 people answered this)

“Dumb and Dumber” (4 people answered this)

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“Braveheart” (3 people answered this)

“I don’t have faves, but one top recent movie was The Revenant.”

What are your deal-breakers when it comes to relationships?

“Girls with chipped nail polish, girls who talk too much, narcissists, clingers, girls who have serious food allergies.”

What is your all-time favorite book and why?

“David and Goliath, by Malcolm Gladwell, because of how he sees challenges, advantages and disadvantages.”

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“Besides the Bible (since that seems cliché!), I liked The Circle series by Ted Dekker, or Wizard’s First Rule. Both create such vivid battle scenes you can almost smell the environment.”

What are the top 3 things on your bucket list?

“1) Build a relationship with Mark Cuban and earn his respect. 2) Take a trip to space to experience the process and snap some epic selfies! 3) Spoil my grandchildren.”

Do you consider yourself a romantic and why?

“Yes, hopeless. I see love everywhere. I want to experience someone from the inside out. I want The Notebook-type of experience.”

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“Yes, I believe I’m in touch with my sexual energy and it’s very powerful and beautiful.”

If you could have lunch with one person, who would it be and why?

“Mark Cuban, because I want to know what he thinks made him successful.”

“Myself in 10 years, alright, alright, alright.”

Are you comfortable wearing swimwear in public?

“Very comfortable. Why have a lambo if you park it in the garage?”


Image via ABC.