The Many Sexual Euphemisms on Katy Perry's Filthy, Awesome New AlbumS

Katy Perry, that cheeky, maybe culturally problematic but fun-as-hell pop chanteuse, has a new album hitting stores and iTunes, etc tomorrow. And, I'm happy to report that if you love sparkly, giddy, Most-Popular-Girl-In-School-Reads-The-Yearbook-Aloud sugar-pop it's perfect. It's also filthy.

Perry's always been a slinger of wink wink nudge nudge type lyrics rather than the bash you over the head with a sledgehammer type of lyrics, but that's only because modern pop music is where subtlety goes to die. Prism is chock full of euphemisms are so thinly veiled that if they were a screen door, they're the sort of screen door you'd walk into with a plate full of barbecue because you honestly didn't think there was even a door there. They're barely there like a tiny pair of string buttfloss panties that, to paraphrase the great Caitlin Moran, are little more than a hat for your clitoris. So, when I say Perry is using double ententres, I mean, like, the sort of double entendres that would be a $100 question on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. Let's explore them.

LEGENDARY LOVERS
The second track on Prism contains lyrics so awfully, comically bad that I wish it wasn't in English so I wasn't distracted by how dumb it is (she also says "lovers" so many times, and "lovers" is among the worst words). That being said, the track is TEEMING WITH VAGINAS.

This song is a metaphor. A metaphor for sex. Here are just the most obviously dirty lines.

  • I feel my lotus bloom, come closer (THAT MEANS VAGINA)
  • Go down in history
    Go down together, into infinity, forever (MUTUAL ORAL SEX!)
  • Say my name like a scripture
    Keep my heart beating like a drum (SEX)

BIRTHDAY
Birthday is the best song on this album and I will fight* anyone who disagrees with me. It's also dirty as hell.

The clock is ticking, running out of time
So we should party, all night
So cover your eyes, I have a surprise
I hope you got a healthy appetite

This regards eating pussy.

But when you're with me
I'll give you a taste
Make it like your birthday every day
I know you like it sweet
So you can have your cake
Give you something good to celebrate

"Cake" is widely used as slang for 'vagina,' ergo here Katy Perry again promises to sit on her paramour's face in a celebratory manner.

So let me get you in your birthday suit
It's time to bring out the big ballons
So let me get you in your birthday suit
It's time to bring out the big, big, big, big, big, big ballons

The bridge is about boob-related foreplay and nudity.

That reminds me: haven't done my self-exam this month. [pencils "Get into birthday suit, thoroughly inspect big, big, big balloons for malignant tumors :( " into daily schedule]

WALKING ON AIR
Another song about Katy Perry doing it with someone.

You're giving me sweet, sweet ecstasy
Yeah, you take me to utopia
You're reading me like erotica,
Boy, you make me feel exotic, yeah

Just when I think I can't take anymore
We go deeper and harder than ever before
We go higher and higher
I feel like I'm already there

I really respect the attempt to rhyme "erotica" and "exotic, yeah." A valiant effort.

This is pure paradise,
Even heaven is jealous of our love
Yes, we make angels cry,
Raining down on earth from up above

If I'm reading this correctly: Angels are all, OMG where did you learn how to fuck so good? And Katy Perry's all, whatever guys you're just h8rs. And then the pervy voyeur angels jealouscry (?).

Anyway this song is about having a dick in you.

UNCONDITIONALLY

This song might be about loving a person as they are and hoping they embrace you as-is as well. Or it might be about discovering your boyfriend's hentai collection underneath his mattress and rather than freaking out, dressing up like Sailor Moon sans panties and being like, ok dude, let's do this.

DARK HORSE

Katy Perry has a dangerous vagina that she has nicknamed "Dark Horse."

And here you are
But you better choose carefully
‘Cause I’m capable of anything
Of anything and everything

Make me your Aphrodite
Make me your one and only
Don’t make me your enemy, your enemy, your enemy

Rule number one of dating is that you should not have sex with a person who thinks they possess magical powers. It will be overly theatrical to the point of embarrassment.

Rule number one of listening to Katy Perry songs is that the more cliched sexy female historical figures she name drops, the dumber the lyrical content.

So you wanna play with magic
Boy, you should know what you falling for
Baby do you dare to do this
Cause I’m coming at you like a dark horse
Are you ready for, ready for
A perfect storm, perfect storm
Cause once you’re mine, once you’re mine
There’s no going back

I love imagining the debate occurring in whatever board room approves Katy Perry lyrics. A woman in a cool, LA business suit raises the point that "SO YOU WANNA PLAY WITH MAGIC?" is a ridiculous thing to say to a person before you sleep with them, regardless of the context. It would even be ridiculous on an episode of Game of Thrones, notes the executive. A 15 minute brainstorming session for alternate lyrics ensues, resulting in no better ideas.

INTERNATIONAL SMILE

At this point in my first few listens to this album, I realized that the lyrical thesis of Prism is "Katy Perry believes Katy Perry to be exceptional at sex." Even on International Smile, one of the tracks that is least evidently about doin' it, there's a verse that might be about everyone in the world falling in love with her due to sex.

That girl’s a trip, a one way ticket
Takes you miles high, so high, 'cause she’s got that one international smile
Catch her if you can
Yeah, she's so in demand
Takes you miles high, so high, 'cause she’s got that one international smile

Or maybe it's just about some anonymous lady Katy Perry knows who is similarly awesome to Katy Perry.

DOUBLE RAINBOW

Is this song about the rarity of finding someone perfect in a world full of garbage? Maybe. Or maybe it's about gay sex.

BY THE GRACE OF GOD

"God" is a character who lives in the sky and watches people do everything, including poop and have sex. He's depraved.

[Katy Perry/Soundcloud]