There is an epidemic which has reached critical mass, and we must mobilize all resources to put an end to it: It is the practice of making a "rap video" about the parenting experience, and then sharing that video with others, often with exclamatory glee, to the point that it goes "viral." Shudder.
I thought mom rap videos were bad enough. Swagger Wagon, "Muffin Top," and "The Motherhood Rap." They were honest, brutally painful to watch, and deeply disappointing exercises in "keeping it real," but I tried to just give them a pass because I'm a mom, and moms get enough shit, you know?
But now that the Holderness family has gone and thrown down the gauntlet by making this thing a full-on family affair, I've got to speak up. The Holdernesses, who've recently released their second attempt at rapping into the world with their own mortifying take on back-to-school chaos, "Baby Got Class," is the last straw. It's the straw that broke Sir Mix-A-Lot's fetishized female ass's back.
What is it?
It's a white family's rap set to the music of "Baby Got Back."
Who is the family?
The Holdernesses: Penn and Kim were both former TV anchors nursing some obvious showbiz aspirations, and children, Lola and Charles Penn, are innocent victims.
Why is it harshing your vibes?
Because I'm a not a joiner? Because it's trying so very very hard? Because it's such a naked look-at-me, give-me-a-reality-show, I'm-so-fit-and-tan-with-bleached-white-teeth example of striverdom that I just literally cannot even? Because it's just BAD? I don't know, I'm open to your theories.
How do they act?
Wackily exuberant with faux rap toughness and these cringe-inducing aren't-we-stinkers faces. Death. DEATH.
Is it popular?
Do former anchorpeople feel compelled produce fit, tan children? It has 4.5 million views on Youtube.
You just don't get it because you don't have kids.
No I totally have a kid and I understand all the things and still no! I love school supplies! And back to school! And irritating bragging about one's offspring! And familial unity and happiness! But this? No. Just, no. Make it go away.
I've talked with my friends who share my disdain, and as far as I can tell, here is what is wrong with it, and I will share it with you.
Look at Their Dumb Faces My God (h/t: @AshSpurge)
Seriously, look at their faces. They are dumb. They think are they sooo cute.
Try-Hards, Man. Can't Handle It. (h/t: @AshSpurge)
Honestly, how can anyone handle it. They really really super mean it. It has zero self-consciouness as it "goes for it" and "really tries" and "really does it up." These concepts are foreign. And perplexing.
Kid-Friendly Songs Should Not Be Set to "Baby Got Back."
What, like you need examples?
I like big buses, I cannot lie?
When a big yellow one comes round the bend and picks up our children we get…sprung?
You mean, like how a dick gets sprung into a boner?
I like 'em round, and BIG, backpacks for my kids!
Nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope.
They want 'em real thick and juicy, that pack of pink erasers.
Goofy family shit CAN be really sweet, too. I'm not the Grinch who stole fun family videos ok?
Like, that video of a dad who taped his kids coming down the stairs on Christmas morning for 25 years! Adorable. Lovely. Correct.
Did I mention that they're tan, fit, anchor, showbiz-aspiring people?
You know, like, everything came a little too easily for them.
They have another video called — wait for it — "XMAS Jammies."
"Consider this our annual newsletter" they say on YouTube — TO THE WORLD. It's set to "Miami," by Will Smith and is about things like SERIOUSLY how their Prius matches their Christmas Jammies.
It's a three-and-a-half-minute not-so-humble brag about how their kids can count to 100 in Chinese, and win medals and shit, all set in a giant, suburban house that seems unaffected by anything remotely unpleasant that ever happened anywhere ever. Yes, it's a video Christmas card that happens to have gotten over 14 million views. "Just so you know what we've been up to!" they say, smarmy grins tucked just out of reach behind the Prius charger. Just little ole us, obnoxiously overachieving fit tan people in Nawth Carolina on TV keeping it really real with our rap parody video by white people.
It's not promotional at all! (Except in all the ways that it is!)
The video says it's a newsletter, but a NY Daily News piece from 2013 says it was "done to promote the family's video production company, The Green Room." Penn told the Triangle Business Journal, "I don't want our Christmas video to be an ad." But they are being shopped for a reality show. And the Home Shopping Network wants them to sell...pajamas.
HUMBLE BRAG: Mom was on Iron Man 3.
Yeah it's in the video. You know, as a joke! It's not serious. NBD y'all. Wonder if they want to be on TV and stuff? Noooo, NY Daily News says "the video is intended to be tongue in cheek." So they totally don't want that stuff.
They're totally making fun of themselves you guys! Lay off!
Remember: It's not serious. Said Kim about the Christmas vid:
"It's completely tongue in check," she said. "There are quite a few YouTube comments like, 'Are these people serious?' We're like, no, we don't take ourselves seriously. We're totally making fun of ourselves and of traditional Christmas cards."
But what's the making fun part? Where they totally do exactly what Christmas cards do and list exactly all true stuff their kids are up to? I'm not that smart I guess.
There is no such thing as a good white rap parody video.
Seriously, name one.
Rest assured my view is as marginal as as low report card in their family. The rest of the Internet is alive with love and appreciation and admiration for this must-see explosion of cute that EVERY PARENT WILL LOVE I TELL YOU. ALL PARENTS MUST WATCH, says SF Globe:
What these funky parents were able to throw together in celebration of their children returning to school is absolutely incredible! These creative parents definitely know how to loosen up and have fun. This music video is remarkable. All parents (and kids) should watch this! Unbelievable.
Yes, they threw it together last-min with an iPhone, not a production company paid to run national marketing campaigns for major brands.
'Baby Got Class': Back-to-school video parody earns high marks with parents, says the Detroit Free Press, who clearly defines "high marks" differently.
— Mashable (@mashable) August 21, 2014
— 98.7 WMZQ (@WMZQ) August 22, 2014
'Baby Got Class' is pretty much every parent's back-to-school anthem. http://t.co/YRtHPWqyW6
— Mashable Watercooler (@watercooler) August 21, 2014
Please help make it stop.