Last night, the Metropolitan Museum of Art and Vogue threw the annual spring gala, celebrating the Costume Institute's exhibition, "PUNK: Chaos to Couture." It was a fashion freakshow, complete with crazy couture, deranged hair and mad makeup. If you're ready to see celebrities go over the fucking top, you've come to the right place.
Let's just get this out of the way: Kim and Kanye were there. Her dress is fine. Does it have matching gloves or is it just a giant onesie? No matter. Not great, but springy and flattering. The planet will continue to spin. Just breathe.
Doing the classic, traditional tux: Christoph Walz, Andy Cohen, Nikolaj Coster-Waldau. Handsome, all around.
Très slick: Sebastian Stan, Miguel, Eddie Redmayne.
Trying to funk it up: Zachary Quinto, Tyson Beckford, Hamish Bowles (check the safety pins and nail polish!) and Psy.
Complimentary couples: Tommy and Dee Hilfiger, Hilaria and Alec Baldwin, Pharell Williams and Helen Lasichanh.
Sharper than a punk kid's razor blade necklace: Gerard Butler; Alexander Skarsgard and Italo Zucchelli.
So even though the show is punk, it wasn't actually a requirement to dress like Sid Vicious. While some folks scrambled to find studded shit, Anna Wintour and daughter Bee just went for elegant New York spring gala. Snicker.
Some people managed to combine light, fresh spring looks with punk. Rooney Mara, for instance.
And Nicole Richie. Love the shocking grey: Half Marie Antoinette, half Miss Havisham.
Sienna Miller also tried to to do a springy white version of punk — slinky gown with studded MC jacket and studs in her hair — but she looks like an uptown lady who raided her teenage son's closet.
Gwen Stefani is all, psssh, I've been doing this so long I barely even have to try.
For some, heavy eyeliner = punk. Case in point: Emmy Rossum.
But perhaps most epic of all, when it comes to springtime punk: Sarah Jessica Parker, in a Philip Treacy mohawk headdress. The gown is Giles Deacon.
More soft and light: Hailee Steinfeld, all safety-pinned up, but in a girly way. (It's Donna Karan Atelier.)
Katie Holmes ignored the punk theme and aimed for angelic Joey Potter celebrity realness.
White with black: Kylie Minogue, Leelee Sobieski, Tiger Woods and Lindsay Vonn.
Straight-up glam: Heidi Klum.
Linda Evangelista is pretty sure Empress Josephine was a hardcore band.
Julianne Hough was the 80s prom queen sneaking off to see Adam and the Ants. (This dress is Topshop, btw!)
Bella Heathcote opted for delicate lace.
There's something kind of Gatsby about Karlie Kloss's look.
More light or bright white: Rita Ora…
…Olivia Wilde (with Jason Sudekis)…
…Dylan Lauren, Marion Cotillard (actually in peach and pink) and Fabiola Baracasa.
Zooey Deschanel ditched her bangs and wore seersucker — the sole nod to punk the safety pin on her clutch.
Where else do Chelsea Clinton, Lily Cole and Vivienne Westwood rub elbows?
I don't know what the fuck Karolina Kurkova is wearing but she manages to be intimidating nevertheless.
Shimmery metallics were also a big theme last night; feeling the heavy metal by way of Medival Rome: Giovanna Battaglia.
Mary-Kate Olsen went in a similar direction, looking like a character on The Borgias.
Also feeling like rock royalty: Katy Perry in Dolce & Gabbana.
Golden punk rock Joan of Arc: Ginnifer Goodwin.
More shine: Elizabeth Banks, Hilary Rhoda, Giuliana Rancic.
Muted metallics: Claire Danes (with Hugh Dancy); Aubrey Plaza; Stacy Kiebler.
Positively reflective: Lauren Santo Domingo, Karen Elson, Sofia Coppola (with a dotty Marc Jacobs), Constance Jablonski.
Are gilded butterflies on Saharan cheetah punk? It's unclear. But this is one of the best looks of the entire night. Meow, Coco Rocha.
Plenty of guests embraced bright color. Sunshine and gold for Joely Richardson, Lily Aldridge (with Caleb Followill from Kings of Leon), Hanneli Mustaparta, Lisa Maria Falcone.
Electric yellow on Elettra Rossellini Wiedemann.
Looking like Steve Nicks rolled through a field of goldenrod and saffron: Ashley Olsen.
Green is good: Kate Upton, Ivanka Trump, Uma Thurman.
Teaching Simon Doonan a thing or two: Solange.
Ladies sing the blues: Jessica Paré…
Minka Kelly went all boysenberry.
Eh, Kate Bosworth, whatever.
Violet femmes: Kerry Washington, Mindy Kaling (with BJ Novak), Naomie Harris.
Patterns: Leslie Mann, Nora Zehetner, Stella McCartney (the underside of her dress matched Alasdhair Willis' jacket!)
Elle Fanning (in Rodarte) is 70s; Maggie Q is 90s; Morgan Saylor is thrilled.
More brights! Taking things literally: Hedge fund manager Julie Macklowe.
A pretty princess, as usual: Gwyneth Paltrow.
Channelling an '80s-era Pat Benetar: Anja Rubik (with Anthony Vaccarello).
Red, classy, not too exciting: Maggie Gyllenhaal, Ziyi Zhang, LaLa Anthony.
Teresa Palmer, Julie Chen, Peggy Siegal.
Elegant dress, edgy accessories: Kate Beckinsale.
Slink, personified: Amber Heard.
Should we be happy or sad that Kristen Stewart left her Chucks at home?
Sweet and spiky: Kate Mara.
Tarted up in tartan: Christina Ricci.
Showing the kids how to fucking do it properly: Her Madgesty Queen Madonna. GOBOSH.
Here's where things start to get darker. Michelle Dockery, Christopher Kane and Stella Tennant, Rosie Huntington-Whitely.
Kirsten Dunst in the role of mysterious coquette.
Brooklyn Decker has looked better.
Punk rock blood bleeds all up and down Paloma Faith in the best possible way.
For someone so Vogue and so Gossip Girl, Blake Lively plays it pretty safe/boring.
Allison Williams takes a risk, looks mildly ridiculous while doing so.
A+ for Chanel Iman, Eve, Felicity Jones.
Working it like the rent is due tomorrow: Doutzen Kroes (with Olivier Theyskens).
Various iterations of basic black: Carine Roitfeld went playful; Jennifer Lawrence just dressed like her Dior ad, Chloe Sevigny does a Grey Gardens Misshapes thing.
Acceptable but nothing to write home about: Alicia Keys, Pixie Geldof, Renee Zellweger.
Black on black times two: Jerry and Jessica Seinfeld, Jamie Campbell Bower and Lily Collins, Donna Karan and Calvin Klein.
Once again, with feeling: Lauren Bush Lauren and David Lauren; Amar'e and Alexis Stoudmire; Joan Smalls and Tom Ford.
"Maybe I'll just do something with my eyes" — Emily Blunt. (With your ex-boyfriend John Krasinski.)
Black, but neither basic nor boring: Alexa Chung, Ashley Greene, Jessica Hart, Carolyn Murphy.
Legends in their own time: Zandra Rhodes, Diane Von Furstenberg (with Barry Diller), Debbie Harry (with Chris Stein).
Of these three, the last is the best: Jessica Alba, Thalia, Tabitha Simmons.
It's pretty punk to make the world your gynecologist, says Gisele Bundchen (with Tom Brady).
Just the tip: Diane Kruger (with Pacey Witter.)
Ladies and gentlemen, Miley Cyrus. Are you loving it or loathing it?
Right at home in this milieu: Kelly Osbourne.
Amanda Seyfried looks fabulous, dramatic, with a hint of goth.
Showing some skin: Dakota Fanning.
Ummm… Good effort, January Jones?
Fauxhawk and lace look great on Jennifer Morrison.
Even though the mullet dress is usally a big old mess, somehow it works — with a cool headband and apropos clutch — on Michelle Williams.
Attitude is everything for Greta Gerwig, Fran Lebowitz and Jamie King.
Net leggings and minimal makeup are kind of meh on Jessica Biel.
With a killer figure and a purse that can maim, Miranda Kerr has the right idea.
One earring! Bare midriff! Emma Watson leaves Hermione in the dust.
Form-fitting and pseudo-nude, what a shock, Jennifer Lopez.
Donatella Versace is completely comfortable with where chaos meets couture, and the fact that it can be painful.
A smokey eye and a studded dress are pretty perfect for Cara Delevingne.
Blonde befeathered, showing sideboob: Anne Hathaway channels Brigitte Nielsen circa 1987.
One of my favorites of the night: Witchy fringe on Florence Welch like Siouxsie Sioux goes to the Oscars.
Carey Mulligan: Simple, perfect, simply perfect.
Looking absolutely sublime: Taylor Swift in J. Mendel.
Kudos to Nina Dobrev for figuring out how to stand out instead of blending in, while looking comfortable and gorgeous.
Of course, the queen of the night — with a perfectly-timed entrance (late) so that she had the red carpet to herself — was Beyoncé. Maybe it's not the best dress (Givenchy, tyvm), or the most flattering, or even punk. But it does make you go WELL DAMN. IT'S OVER. SHUT IT DOWN.