The Definitive Ranking of Girl Scout Cookies

Girl Scout Cookies are “just” cookies like the Manhattan Project was “just” a chemistry experiment. And it’s in that spirit that today, this very frigid Friday afternoon, we settle, once and for all, which kind is best. Unequivocally.

This discussion comes in light of some dark news that I bring to you with a heavy heart: some Girl Scout cookie deliveries will be delayed this year, thanks to a Thin Mint shortage. As ABC News reports,

Little Brownie Bakers, the Kellogg-owned company that makes and manufactures Girl Scout cookies, are behind in producing the minty, chocolate-coated cookie, which has been in high demand since it made its debut in 1940.

Because of Thin Mint production shortages, Little Brownie Bakers has rescheduled deliveries of all cookie varieties to the affected troops from March 16 to March 21.

Goddamn.

While we wait, and after much debate among the Jezebel staff, we’ve got the definitive ranking of all of the Girl Scout cookies currently (theoretically) available for consumption. This is a final ranking.

10. Rah Rah Raisins

This isn’t to say that raisin cookies aren’t delicious. Oatmeal raisin cookies are the best. Mass-produced oatmeal raisin cookies are the worst. Sorry Rah Rah Raisins. Nobody stood up for you.

9. Cranberry Citrus Crisps

Colin joke-nominated this discontinued fruit jelly concoction for best cookie, which almost caused the entire staff to have a conniption. That’s why this one is near the bottom.

8. Savannah Smiles

These aren’t bad; they’re just not as good as the others.

7. Thanks-A-Lot

I had to look up what these were because nobody ever remembers them (they’re plain cookies with some chocolate on them. Basic-ass cookies). They are to Girl Scout Cookies what Farrah Franklin was to Destiny’s Child. Because: Who?

6. Do Si Dos

Peanut butter sandwich cookies. Here’s a dark secret: I don’t like peanut butter much. But I understand that other people do. If I had my druthers, these would be on the bottom of the list, but it’s because of thoughtful peanut butter-loving weirdos (normalos) that these are where they are.

5. Lemonades

Guess what? Lemon icing is delicious and it will always be better than peanut butter. Shortbread is also delicious. But more on that at a much more infuriatingly high point on this list.

4. Tagalongs

Kelly Faircloth lobbied and lobbied hard for these peanut butter-chocolate concoctions to top this list. “Ever hear of a frozen Tagalong? No, cause they got eaten,” she said. But Kelly Faircloth isn’t the boss of me. And Kelly Faircloth is wrong.

3. Trefoils

Shortbread cookies are gorgeous in their simplicity, and a well executed shortbread cookie is like eating the treat equivalent of a well-executed motion offense in basketball. Simple, beautiful, effective. I’ll defend this stance to the death. I’ll die on this hill.

2. Samoas

Emma, Jia, and their Hairpin-ravaged palates chose Samoas. “I’m in love with the coco,” Jia says, shrugging. “I regretted ordering Thin Mints the second I gave that girl money,” says Emma (this is a bad opinion). Kate all but implied she’d have her wedding cake made out of Samoas. Samoas are good, but they are not the best. Kate, Jia, and Emma are wrong.

1. Thin Mints

Duh. When has American popular opinion ever been wrong about anything?

If you, like Kate Dries, also have a wrong opinion, feel free to share it in the comments.