The 'Cool Girl' Is Not Fiction, But a Phase


Recently a friend ran into a woman we all knew in our twenties as a so-called “Cool Girl.” She braced herself for the typical performance-art femininity—”dude in a hot girl’s body” ready to party with suspicious, irritating gusto—and was startled to find herself speaking to a grownup who seemed pretty together. Down to earth, even.
I realized then what I had always suspected: The Cool Girl has an expiration date, and it is round about your thirties, when you either simply grow up by virtue of existing a few years more on earth, or realize it is hella tiresome to keep pretending you don’t have any feelings or long-term goals to be desirable to a certain breed of dude.
Let me be clear, though: Liking beers, hot dogs, sports, partying, and having a general allergy to feelings or Anything Too Serious is not the province of straight men in reality. Anyone can play this game. Plenty of women genuinely love many of these things, myself included. But generally speaking, it is the cultural province and conditioning of straight men. These are the criteria for general dudeness, and by acknowledging this we must also acknowledge the criteria for general ladyness, which is typically thought of as a softer, gentler, more feelings-driven creature who is less reflexively impressed by violence, poor manners, pranks, booze as a lifestyle, and meat products.
These are all stereotypes, of course. People like what they like. But we all perform gender to some extent or the other, of course and we don’t get our social cues in a vacuum. So when a woman for whatever reason embraces traditionally straight male interests while retaining aspects of straight female interests, and is hot (she always must be hot)—when she manages, for all intents and purposes, to somehow combine the best of both genders into one bangin’ superpackage of awesomeness—you have what is called a Cool Girl. It has always existed, of course, but was, as we all know, recently popularized in an essential passage from Gillian Flynn’s Gone Girl. You know, THAT PASSAGE:
Men always say that as the defining compliment, don’t they? She’s a cool girl. Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding. Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want. Go ahead, shit on me, I don’t mind, I’m the Cool Girl.
“Men actually think this girl exists. Maybe they’re fooled because so many women are willing to pretend to be this girl. For a long time Cool Girl offended me. I used to see men – friends, co-workers, strangers – giddy over these awful pretender women, and I’d want to sit these men down and calmly say: You are not dating a woman, you are dating a woman who has watched too many movies written by socially awkward men who’d like to believe that this kind of woman exists and might kiss them.”
I lived in Nashville in my twenties in the midst of a burgeoning rock music scene, and it was lousy with Cool Girls. I was covering the scene as a job, and so was slightly older than most of them. I had the fascinating sociological bird’s eye view of seeing such women up close with the advantage of More Years. A few in particular were considered top tier examples of the form, and they were irritating beyond comprehension, but mesmerizing to watch. They were fun. Never too serious. Beautiful. Interesting. Elusive. Allergic to feelings. Only about good times. Effortlessly sensual, but one of the guys. Foul-mouthed, but incredibly feminine.
Naturally, there were, at any given time, droves of dudes in love with them because they were “not like other girls.” Whereas other ladies were obvious, these girls were hard to read. Whereas other girls were transparent about their desire for a commitment, these girls seemed indifferent to the notion. Whereas other girls were clingy, jealous, or needy, these girls were autonomous, roving, restless types who could not be pinned down easily and wanted even less than you did, whatever it was you wanted.