Texas Bill Would Make It Illegal for the TSA to Grope Your Tingly Bits

Nothing proves the terrorists have won more than the Great American TSA Experience. Everybody gets to feel embarrassed about their gross toenails/mismatched socks as you walk through a gigantic radiation machine that lets someone in an office somewhere look at your nipples, and a there’s good chance that someone will pat your hoo-ha at the other end.

But Rep. David Simpson of Longview, TX isn’t going to let the terrorists win, at least not when it comes to our tingly bits. The Texas Legislature heard testimony on Wednesday in support of a bill that would criminalize excessive touching by TSA agents during airport security pat-downs in Texas. Originally introduced in 2011 and passed by the House, the bill was dismissed after the federal government threatened to shut down all airports in Texas because TSA officials could face charges for doing their whole patting-your-entire-body routine.

Simpson reintroduced the bill in January, only this time with less stringent measures. The new version of the bill allows for security agents to incidentally touch those body parts that make Simpson and his supporters nervy, but clarifies that the bill would criminalize deliberately touching inappropriately. IDK who decides the difference between accidental and accidentally-on-purpose private part touching, but people seem to think this bill has more of a chance.

Seems pretty reasonable, right? Even thought the TSA enforces a “zero-tolerance policy for any form of harassment in the workplace and in the treatment of the public”? But even if the bill is kind of overkill, this is Texas. Let’s add a dash of crazy: “They’re violating peoples’ most sacred areas of their bodies,” argued the bill’s sponsor, Simpson. These sickos are groping sacred parts of the human body under the guise of security?! Another outraged representative, Rep. Harvey Hilderbran saw pictures of people being patted down by TSA agents and said, “some of them seem to be enjoying the groping.” And they like it! For shame.

If the bill passes, however, ole Tay-has could be in big trouble: the federal government could follow through on its threat to shut down all airports in the state, and Texas would essentially become a no-fly zone. But it would also become the perfect state for people to hide joints in their panties. Sounds like America to me.