Testicle-Munching Fish Are Ruining Summer for Scandinavians

Summer is full of the sorts of hidden dangers that come with being drunk and out in the hot sun for longer than usual. You could fall asleep in a wading pool and be urinated upon by your neighbor’s dog. A shark could attack you while you’re flipping around on your boogie board like a dying seal. You could wear a really cool pair of sunglasses all day at the beach only to realize much later when you’re talking to a potential sex partner that you look like an inebriated red panda. Bees. In Scandinavia, this summer has been marred by a more peculiar danger: an invasion of testicle-munching fish from South America.

CNN reports (a little too gleefully) that men swimming au naturale in Scandinavian waters should be aware that a South American Pacu, known hilariously as the “friendly cousin of the piranha,” was recently snagged by a fisherman in the Danish/Swedish strait of Oresund. The Pacu looks like a big piranha, and, although its teeth are just barely soft enough to slice through flesh, it’s a vegetarian. Unfortunately, the plant matter it really likes to eat (nuts) looks like testicles. You don’t say, CNN! I mean, I’ve always thought testicles look a little more like quail eggs, but now that you’ve mentioned it, all I can think about is nuts.

Nobody knows exactly how the Pacu came to travel into Scandinavia, but experts at the Natural History Museum of Denmark think some asshole amateur aquarium owner is to blame. Damn that Max Fischer and his supernumerary extracurricular activities.