Jezebel
crappy hour
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crappy hour
crappy hour
It Was A Nice Day For A White Voter
Welcome back kids! How was el fin de semana? Because it sure sucked for a lot of our overseas amigos! A devastating earthquake on the scale of an earthquake that killed a quarter million people in 1976 just rocked China's Sichuan province; Burma's totalitarian military junta decided to grant itself unlimited totalitarian power and all the donated rice; no one can really protest the junta since they are mostly all dead and/or starving to death anyway; hopefully Jenna Bush did the sensitive thing and refrained from throwing rice at her wedding; two John McCain advisers did the sensitive thing and stepped down when it turned out they'd actually taken three hundred grand from the junta for PR services. Bob Barr and Ron Paul both launched separate attempts to do what voters are already doing anyway and sink McCain's campaign; Michelle Obama is nixin Hillary as a running mate (according to Bob Novak?!) and speaking of Nixon, there's a new book on him and the white voters who elected him and we read all about it sorta. All that and a Vito Fossella primer ATJ. More »
crappy hour
Hillary Wins Another Primary!
Done and done and done and yup, even the Wall Street Journal thinks done. Hillary officially halted her frenzied schedule of telling the cable newsiverse how Good she feels and what a Good Time she's having and how Good it feels to be taking policy advice from Joe Sixpack etc. etc. And how did Obama do it? And how did Peggy Noonan know?? We'd rather talk about Burma and Putin Jr. and the insane San Diego fraternity coke bust, but Megan and I will try to talk "delegate math" and the surreal CNN comment that gave us both inexplicable sex dreams after the jump. More »
crappy hour
Barack Obama Doesn't Look Too Psyched About That Beer
Fifty thousand people are dead or close to it in Burma, and Barack Obama can state unequivocally that he does not drink designer beer. Seventy five percent of American adults will at some point be impoverished. The average American car owner really must save $30 this summer. Chris Hitchens believes Barack Obama may be pussy-whipped. Ellen Page believes Burmese dictator Than Shwe is a modern Hitler. And when tomorrow comes, Terry McAuliffe believes everyone will be saying that Hillary Clinton did better than they thought she was going to do in both the North Carolina and Indiana primaries tonight. Now there's a statement Glamocracy Megan and I can get behind! After the jump, an unusually hip-hop laden edition of Crappy Hour. More »
crappy hour
Future VP Bobby Jindal's College Girlfriend Possessed By Satan? Or Just Horny?
Meet Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal! He's the frontrunner to be the running mate to the presidential candidate closest to death, so it will surely please you to know that, in his brief 36-year life, he has endured many difficult things, including the presence of SATAN HIMSELF. Well, it was either Satan, or a melodramatic college junior whose desire to fuck him made him worry he was gay or something. But we're going to go with Satan, since he's running for vice president, and what better proof that the Devil Remains At Large than the current holder of the vice presidency? That said Bobby's story, written about an episode that took place while he was a rather Jesus-y undergrad at Brown University, sounds a little too much like an emotionally unavailable twentysomething dude's account of a relationship with girl with "drama" to be quite convincing.Watch Glamocracy Megan and I parse Bobby Jindal's satanic verses — and the gas tax holiday bullshit! — after the jump. Seriously, it is so much awesomer than Kucinich with the UFO. More »
crappy hour
Did Hillary's Appearance On O'Reilly Actually Make Me Like Her More?
Fox is the only news channel that gets any audio on my cable box. This is something, like the interminable nature of this campaign, I generally regard as a negative. But yesterday I had a revelation. See, Hillary Clinton just went on Bill O'Reilly, and when they aren't rerunning clips of the really boring interview, the Fox News talking heads are creaming their pants over how well she's held up, what a "fighter" she is, etc. And it hit me: has Hillary Clinton's stubborn refusal to drop out maybe been good for America? All the phony, cynical and self-serving praise she's had heaped upon her pantsuited self from Rush and Ann and the Weekly Standard and the "Fair And Balanced" regime has started, ever so gradually, to convert into something genuine: respect. Anyway, The Indianapolis Star just endorsed Hillary, a Baptist minister got ushered out by Secret Service for asking John McCain if he really called his wife a "cunt", and Barack Obama drank shit beer at a VFW and the whole thing has lasted so long it's starting to feel like life itself, and Megan and I decided to look at it on the beer-glass half-full side today. More »
state of the unions
Cindy McCain's Marriage Is Not Exactly A 'Straight Talk Express'
Potential First Lady/onetime pill-popper Cindy McCain hit up Leno last night, appearing elegant in a canary-yellow pantsuit (shades of Hillary?) and eager to talk about her husband's candidacy, including concern over his advanced age and her family's reaction to his repeated presidential run. Cindy was agreeable enough, but over the course of the 12-minute interview (quite long for Leno) we noticed a theme began emerging: that of deceit in the McCain marriage. From lying about her age, taking pilot lessons and drug use, Cindy has quite the chronicle of tall tales! Clip above.
crappy hour
Good Morning, Voters! I'm Calling On Behalf Of "Women Voices." If You Are Confused, My Mission Is Accomplished!
In which we adopt the persona of Women's Voices. Women Vote robocaller and misinformation chief Lamont Williams, if he only had a voice.
Yo voters, this is Lamont, calling because you need to register to vote. Oh really? You already registered? But did you ever receive the packet? Did you send in the detailed form? Because we explicitly stated on every packet that you were required to send in the form. All right, to be sure, you are not required to send in the form to vote, per se, but to be registered. And you need to register! To vote. Women's Voices, Women Vote has even kindly provided me with some dates and deadlines, although they are mostly, to be honest with you sisters, completely arbitrary and false and I suspect only generated to elicit the sort of mass confusion popularized by Karl Rove, but I'm a cynic. Five years after Bush said so, I also don't believe, ladies, that the Mission was actually Accomplished, or that Saddam Hussein orchestrated September 11, or that Guantanamo is really such a decent place to retire. And as far as I know, Barack Obama isn't Muslim and the United States did not invent AIDS, but maybe I am paying too much attention to these two winos named Moe and Megan... More »
jezenomics
7 Reasons This Is Not A Recession
Surely you've heard by now but we'll pat our aching, aging backs one more time because we're just so elated — America is NOT IN A RECESSION! The American Gross Domestic Product actually grew last quarter, which was a huge disappointment to the whining Marxist doomsayers so intent on making Americans forget they are living in the greatest civilization that ever danced with the stars. Well, we've seen the data, Americans. We've scanned the fine print and scoured the blogosphere so you wouldn't have to, and we are here to tell you: it's true. The American economy grew last quarter, and we know exactly why. So don't listen to the haters! In lieu of the usual evening news roundup, Jezebel is here to bring you the seven reasons this great nation is still on the upswing. More »
clips
Related: Grace, Eventually: Thoughts On Faith [Amazon]
Anne Lamott Tells Stephen Colbert That God Is, In Fact, A 'She'
Writer Anne Lamott — whose 1994 book Bird by Bird is well-known and much-loved by millions of frustrated, (mostly female?) writers — appeared in all her dreadlocked-glory on last night's Colbert Report to plug her new book Grace, Eventually, and talk politics, Sunday school, Jeremiah Wright and the fact that God is a female. Strangely, she seemed to back away from that assertion after Colbert called her out on it, but she did get in a good dig at Dick Cheney and his ascension into Heaven. Clip above.Related: Grace, Eventually: Thoughts On Faith [Amazon]
crappy hour
Dear Gitmo Residents, How About We Wake You Up When This Jeremiah Wright Crap Is Over?
Dear Osama Bin Laden's former driver Salim Hamdan: you had the right idea, sleeping through your court appearance this morning. Seven years you've resided in Guantanamo, yet somehow the Pyrrhic victories you score against the idiocracy do not cease. You won a Supreme Court case against one of the most loathed men in the most loathed presidency in US history; then the guards moved you into solitary confinement. Your empathetic lawyer was named one of the 100 most influential in America; then he got fired from the Navy. Outside your cell walls yesterday George W. Bush heaped new praise on ethanol subsidies and gas tax relief and the World Bank President wondered whether we were really opting to feed our cars before we fed our stomachs. (The answer to that is yes.) So yeah, we'll wake you when the world is just a little less absurd. Till then Megan and I will parse Jeremiah Wright and whether "pansy" is a gay slur and all that usual crap we do after the jump. More »
crappy hour
Dear Barry: We Agree, Please Just Start Smoking Again (Just Not Menthols)
Today, TheRoot made the courageous call no other news outlet, mainstream or meme-stream, has had the foresight (or clear-eyed grasp of the myriad complexities of the current era) to do, and penned an open letter to Michelle Obama requesting an indulgence so Barack can have a fucking cigarette."Think about the pure gold of 'Barack outside smoking with the boys,' like he surely used to do, talking sports with the friendly janitors who were having a smoke outside the University of Chicago Law School," Paul Devlin writes, reasoning that a few smokes might even help him win over white voters. "If Hillary had stopped smoking, believe me, she'd have started again (and denied she ever stopped), and then reminisced about her smoking breaks with the gals back when she worked as a hair-netted cafeteria lady in a Terre Haute elementary school." There are many other reasons we could add to the list of Reasons To Light Up, starting with the recent revelation that Jeremiah Wright is a fucking underminer, and that self-professed "liberal" Chinese students in the United States are turning increasingly nationalistic. Megan and I list a few others after the jump, but only because it gives me an excuse to light up a cigarette. More »
crappy hour
"Eight Years Ago You Promised To Restore Dignity To The White House...Brilliant Appearance On Deal Or No Deal!
Gaiety! Bacchanalia! Food shortages! The White House Correspondents Dinner happened over the weekend. "One of the most hideous events I've ever been to," decreed Ruper Everett (of the cinematic gem The Next-Best Thing. Megan went. So did Heidi and Spencer and Pete Wentz. Megan recognized Donatella Versace, but not Ashlee Simpson. Lauren Conrad grew "awesome bangs." Glamocracy reigned, so to speak, and not just in Washington; I went to a lovely wedding! Prince performed at Coachella! And the rest of the world continued to fast and fester under the weight of wrongheaded economic policies that systematically placed risk of reckless neocons and Wall Street plutocrats on the shoulders of taxpayers, undermining capitalism's every last virtue and then some. That and Jeremiah Wright speaks, Bill Clinton's Obama hate is deconstructed, a brief discussion of the Laffer Curve, after the jump. More »
crappy hour
Dalai "Clique" Scores Major Date To Chinese Party!
Here's a ray of sunshine to anyone who ever wondered if their massive personal reserves of good karma were never going to amount to anything: the Dalai Lama just scored a meeting with the government that excommunicated him in 1959! Oh sure, and the cops who killed that nice unarmed electrician the day before his wedding got acquitted, Mugabe is doing everything in his power to undermine the will of his electorate and McCain wants to cut taxes, but sometimes you just gotta ignore the haters and say to yourself, "It's Friday, y'all! And guess who's going to China? The DALAI FUCKIN LAMA." Megan and I discuss what the Dalai Lama was like in high school, and the accuracy of the Hillary as Tracy Flick meme, ATJ. More »
obamacrombie chronicles
Which Politicians Do Your Favorite Mall Retailers Really Support?
We still don't know who those Abercrombie-wearing toolbelts at the Barack Obama speech were. But we do, thanks to the media's dogged refusal to back away from this story, know they weren't sent by Abercrombie & Fitch. Employees of the world's worst company only gave a total of $500 to the Obama campaign, and that was the donation of a single employee. We checked campaign finance records to find out what sort of political agendas you are really supporting when you don a retailer's sweatshop-manufactured logo T-shirt. We did the math on Abercrombie, Urban Outfitters, Forever 21, Barney's and J. Crew so you wouldn't have to be reminded how much you suck at basic arithmetic! More »
Photoshop of Horrors?
Like most first daughters (and humans) Jenna Bush has yo-yoed over the years, and everyone likes to deprive themselves in advance of nuptials. But this pic from the May Vogue sounded all our internal "Holy Liquefy!" alarms. So we collected a bunch of recent Jenna pics and leave the fat content Kremlinology to you: airbrush diet? Or has Jenna Bush become Ana Bush? Click the pic for the gallery. (And click it again to enlarge the Vogue pic.)
crappy hour
Sure, Hillary Won Pennsylvania, But Barry Nabbed The Hateful Ignorant Fratboy Demographic!
They are known to let dead people come back to vote for ward leader in Philadelphia, but when I arrived at my polling place of the last two elections yesterday, I found my name mysteriously removed from the rolls. My friend and South Philadelphia homeowner Ryan, meanwhile, got turned away for not being a Democrat, even though he changed his registration the last time he realized the Green Party was lame during last year's mayoral primary. Look: the last machine still running in Pennsylvania runs its voters. Hillary was going to win that. No one on Crappy Hour ever predicted Barack was going to carry this, or even get close, or if we did it was a joke or we were too hungover to know what we were doing, obvi. So I'm not really that mad about Barry's inability to "close the deal." I am, however, kind of baffled by the Abercrombie & Fitch thing. From blind gayvotion to NAFTA to centimillionaire executive pay packages to endemic racism to bland pointless predictability Abercrombie is the epitome of everything about the America that is not "ready" for a black Muslimy Marxist freethinking president. Were those the best white kids you could find, Axelrod? That and more minutiae with me and a very hungover Megan after the jump. More »
nosplice:3
