1.) Martha Stewart Vs. Rachael Ray
Last night on Nightline, Cynthia McFadden tried to stir up shit between the two women.

2.) Martha Stewart Vs. Sarah Palin
But on the red carpet this week, Martha didn't need any encouragement to talk shit on Sarah.

3.) Piper Palin Child Beauty Queen
Earlier this week, I joked that Piper Palin was wearing so much makeup for Sarah's interview with Barbara Walters that she practically looked high glitz.

Later that day, Oprah's camera crew went to Wasilla to film the Palin family at home, where Piper was wearing a crown and a sash.

4.) Mother/daughter bonding

5.) The D.E.N.N.I.S. System
It's funny 'cause it's true.

6.) Crap letter from a dude
As featured on True Life: I Can't Leave My Boyfriend. The guy later came back to her apartment when she wasn't home, and stole all of her electronics and her dog.

7.) America's Next Top Amityville Horror
ANTM aired some never-before-seen moments, and I'd rather that this one had stayed unseen.

8.) Drunk idiots
The people on the Real World/Road Rules Challenge get so stupid drunk that they always end up fighting, and subsequently kicked off the show (whichseems to be their sole source of income). Brad started in with Darrell for no reason.

And then Darrell turned Brad into Quasimodo.

9.) Sewing with Nancy
Her awkwardness makes me uncomfortable.

10.) Stomache

For what it's worth, I thought that panelist Chris Jacobs was totally out of line when he essentially told Heidi that she's also to blame for Spencer's incendiary comments because they are married now, and are "one unit."

1.) Chris Brown loves women.
He appeared on The Wendy Williams Show today to continue The Remorse Tour '09.

2.) The Unveiling of Charla Nash
Charla—who had her hands and face gruesomely torn off by her friend's pet chimp—was interviewed by Oprah this week. Her eyes were lost in the attack, so she hasn't seen what she looks like.

Also, while I generally love primates, the one who attacked Charla looks like an asshole.

3.) Slade's smiley

4.) Ben Affleck's cameo on Curb Your Enthusiasm
If you blink, you'll miss him.

5.) Tabloid stars collide

On The Insider this week, Jon Gosselin was giving Levi Johnston some "parenting advice." Earlier in the week on the same show, he went into some detail about his responsibility as a parent.

And he also talked shit on Kate's hair and kissing skills.

6.) Speaking of hair…
This kid has been suspended from school for getting an elaborate design shaved into his head. He is not allowed to return unless he shaves the rest of his head. His parents are supporting his "freedom of expression." Judging from the way he speaks, this kid needs a lot more school, and a little less expression.

7.) Men blame everything on our periods!

8.) This:

9.) Stephanie Pratt is growing on me.

10.) "It's important for women to stick together."
Faux-minism is not the answer for tackling double standards, when you don't even know what "double standards" are.

Synergy!

Why is it that all the women on The Insider panel were telling him not to pose for Playgirl, and the only one in favor for it was the dude? Shut up, Star Jones! Some of us want Levi to unbutton his fly.

1.) Toes
Tyra had guests this week who get fake toenails put on.

And there were these idiots, who pay $65 a session to have their toes read.

2.) Mariah
She made the talk show rounds. She stumbled on Leno.

Then she went on Larry King Live, where she blinged out his logo.

And then smelled her tits.

Also, Larry serenaded her.

3.) "Where are you?"
Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew premiered this week. One of its cast members, Nicole Narain, was on The Joy Behar Show, where she answered Joy's question a little too literally.

4.) What happens when you slouch in Judge Judy's court.

5.) Cougars
The Insider is taking this taking this cougar thing way too far. Although, I do like the little glimpses of Wasilla townies we get.

Niecy Nash is now literally referred to as "the resident cougar," and for the past two weeks, she's been going on dates with younger men.

Is this supposed to be sexy? Chest stubble and exaggerated nipples?

It reminds me of when Homer got plastic surgery so that Marge wouldn't leave him for a younger man.

And his nipples cried.

6.) Heather from Rock of Love on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
She played a hooker.

7.) Why did Sandals have to ruin a perfectly lovely song?

8.) Jon Gosselin implied that he's on the same professional level as Mary Hart.
And she didn't like it.

9.) Kirstie Alley on her coke days.

10.) Michelle Obama is fun.

I hope that Levi reveals a lot more in his Playgirl spread than he has in this interview. However, it's interesting that he's the embodiment of karma coming to bite Sarah in the ass. He feels that she used him and threw him away, and is pissed that she's trying to cut him out of his son's life. It's apparent that his intentions aren't malicious: He's just playing the hand that he was dealt in an attempt to avoid parental alienation. Levi said, "If i wanted to hurt 'em, if I wanted to crush 'em, I could. But that's not what i'm tryin' to do." Although he didn't disclose exactly what kind of info he has on Sarah, he did imply that it was something that could destroy her, and that it revolves around her abuse of power as Governor.

I love how earnest Hailey is when she calls—her now ex-boyfriend—Jon "talentless." And she says she tells him that all the time!


In this clip, Hailey talks about run-ins with weed and potted plants.


Earlier in the week, Kathy had lunch with Kate Gosselin, which she spoke about on the show. Lara Spencer is the one that shines here though, when she refers to Hailey as "this one."

Kathy will be back on The Insider tonight to "face off" with Levi Johnston.

1.) 105-year-old celebrates birthday at male revue

Love her. I also love her door-knocker earrings, purple nails, and Baby Phat track suit.

2.) Glassy-eyed Fanilow
Paula Abdul attended a Barry Manilow concert, where Entertainment Tonight caught up with her backstage.

3.) Hailey Glassman
Jon Gosselin's girlfriend was on The Insider this week to discuss how hard it is being famous. In this clip, she pays Kate Gosselin a compliment, then insults her, then goes into detail about when Jon first stuck his ween in her.

4.) Boys don't cry.
Mary Hart tried her damnedest—during her exclusive interview with Chaz Bono regarding his sex reassignment process—to get Chaz to break down and cry over how horrible all of this must've been for him. Chaz wouldn't bite. It's kinda great watching him kind of get off on being withholding.

5.) Big-ass joint
In the History Channel's docu-drama Manson, the reenactment of Dennis Wilson getting high with the Family seemed cartoonish.

6.) Man down, code 10!
Keyshia Cole's mom Frankie hosted BET's Red Carpet pre-show for the Hip Hop Awards.

7.) Babs!
She was in rare form this week.

Really rare.

8.) Holly Montag
Who would've thought that Heidi's sister would turn out to spike the punch of The Hills with her dance "fights."

9.) "Nuptial Decadence"
Why does that term sound so delicious?

10.) Ew.
I don't know which is more disturbing: the fact that the woman in this commercial is afraid of her husband, or the fact that frozen mussels actually exist.

In the car on the way to film her segment for the show, Hailey opened up about how Jon is emotionally abusive.


It sounds like they have a codependent, miserable relationship.


Unfortunately, Hailey only believes that physical abuse is grounds for a breakup.

1.) Synergy
Jon Gosselin's answer when asked for his thoughts on the Balloon Boy hoax:



We're thinking that Balloon Boy might give the same exact answer when asked for his thoughts on Jon Gosselin wiping out his family's bank account.

2.) Tricia Walsh-Smith threatened to walk off The Insider.
She didn't understand that people were telling her that she is smart.

BTW, why does The Insider consider Marla Maples part of "The Real First Wives Club"?

3.) "Tardy for the Party" is based on a true story.

Kim might have another hit on her hands, thanks to Jimmy Kimmel.

4.) A different type of tardy at the party
I love Kim's wasted face.

5.) The best excuse for tardiness
Courtesy of Bridezillas

6.) Spry seniors
Larry King's promo picture for his blog is awesome.

And this week, Elizabeth Taylor took Paris and Prince Jackson to Universal Studios theme park.

7.) Courtney Cox was a menstruation pioneer.

8.) What Al Reynolds is up to now
Musical theater-y things, regurgitating, and not being normal. His words, not mine.

9.) Tyra colonic
Last Friday, Tyra featured a colonic on her stage, which the host claimed was the First! Ever! Televised! Colonic! Except it wasn't. I remember Dave Navarro getting one on his reality show about his marriage to Carmen Electra. Tyra also said that a colonic was "the opposite of diarrhea." In fact, a colonic is the opposite of that. It is diarrhea, and it drips down your leg.

10.) A lesson on life from Judge Judy

No doubt there's some behind-the-scenes acrimony here, considering that Michael Lohan has hung out with NeNe's frenemy, Kim Zolciak, (he was even at the restaurant the night Sheree tugged on Kim's wig). But still, he is a shitty parent. And now? He's proven that he's a shitty person to boot.

1.) Who farted?
Bigger than the mystery of whether or not this whole thing was a publicity stunt is the mystery of which Heene family member's heinie gave a Bronx cheer.


Entertainment Tonight is all over this thing.


2.) Speaking of potty humor…
I love this girl.


3.) "Well, fuck you."


4.) 12¢ Cheeseburgers


5.) Wendy Williams fucked up a lot this week.
More than usual.


6.) This kook says she's spoken to Michael Jackson since he died.


7.) Balloon Boy will not steal Jon Gosselin's thunder!
This week Jon was, again, all over The Insider and Entertainment Tonight (which led to the lawsuit TLC filed against him today). After his appearance in court earlier this week, when a judge ordered him to return $180,000 he took from Kate and his children, Jon appeared tense. Here, he explains his clenched jaw.


Entertainment Tonight managed to get Rod Stewart's opinion on Jon, as though Rod is some kind of father of the year. (Rod's children have, in fact, been on reality TV, and one of them appeared on Celebrity Rehab, which is a giant parental fail.)


8.) Asians don't need Botox, according to Jon Gosselin.
But he would like to get new hair plugs.


9.) Jon is trying to distance himself from Michael Lohan.


And that's probably a good thing, considering that Lindsay's dad filmed an episode of Maury this week, which, as of yet, has no scheduled air date.


10.) 30 Rock is back!

1.) Jon Gosselin
I know it's nearly impossible that anyone in America managed to miss him since he was all over TV talking about how he doesn't want to be on TV anymore. On Monday on The Insider, Jon faced off with Nancy Grace. Later in the week, The Insider tried to propel that insanity by airing "footage you didn't see" from the event. Here, Jon admits that his earrings are CZs.


Jon also ran back and forth between The Insider and Entertainment Tonight, showing "bank statements" proving that he did not steal money from Kate.










However, even the correspondent on The Insider recognized that this one transaction receipt proves absolutely nothing.




2.) "I'm showing America how it works."
God, he's like the fountain of spoof.


3.) In other grossness: Tamerlane Phillips.
Remember two weeks ago when people didn't care about the Gosselins for four days because Mackenzie Phillips' rape and incest bombshell stole the show? Tamerlane Phillips misses those days.


4.) The best intervention ever, courtesy of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.





5.) Kaity Tong Drunk?
Speaking of interventions…sheesh.


This man-on-the-street from the story she was introducing is awesome.


6.) Shut up, Joy!


7.) People are still getting "The Rachel"?


8.) Does Kim know that wig hair doesn't grow back?


9.) Khloe Kardashian's 9 Carats


10.) WWWWD?
She would think WWJJD.

Despite the fact that Jon has been saying that he no longer wants his children to be filmed and he wants to "privately" settle his problems with ex-wife Kate, he has taken a very public platform to do so, by basically taking up a residency on the tabloid TV shows The Insider and Entertainment Tonight this past week. He's so "concerned" about the privacy of his children that he brought ET cameras with him to shop for birthday presents for Mady and Cara, which aired last night. According to Radar, Jon showed up at the birthday party today and wants his own camera crew to film the affair, which Kate is refusing to allow.


He even read a private email from Kate aloud, in which Kate suggests that the former couple's acrimony and legal problems would make celebrating their daughters' birthday together problematic for the children. She requested that they each spend a few hours alone with the girls today, but Jon isn't having it.


In this clip, Jon can barely enunciate words. He seems manic as he's explaining he's made mistakes, but in the same breath, claims that he's been "set up" by someone (whom he doesn't name) to appear like a schmuck in the court of public opinion.


While he keeps insisting that he only has the best interests of his children in mind, he admits to The Insider that he plans on "cornering" Kate at the birthday party to discuss their issues.


On tonight's episode of Entertainment Tonight, Jon takes the camera crew to pick out a birthday cake for his daughters, whom he claims have been exploited by being on television.

In an interview last week on Entertainment Tonight, Jon insisted that his decision to halt production of Kate Plus 8 was not about money, saying, "My kids are more important to me than your dollars." However, since then, he has reportedly emptied $230,000 from his family's joint bank account, money that was set aside for paying the household bills.


This morning, a visibly shaken Kate was on Today, giving very specific details about the family's finances, and telling Meredith Vieira that she was left with only $1,000, and can not pay her bills. (Jon and his lawyers have released a statement to Entertainment Tonight, sort of denying her claims.)


On Friday, Jon was a guest on The Insider—which has a new View-ish panel setup—and said that 80% of the money he and his family have earned has been put into a trust for his children. However, he said that the trust is "revocable," meaning that he has access to the money in it. He admitted that he "absolutely" plans on dipping into this trust.


In a phone interview on The View today, Kate said that she would work at McDonald's, if need be, to support her children, but would obviously prefer the larger paychecks from TLC.


Jon, who has been claiming that he wants his children off the show because the lack of privacy is "harmful" to them, disclosed on The Insider the last time he had sexual intercourse with Kate.


He then lied, over and over and over again about various rumors. (Please, he's never smoked a joint in his life? Didn't he live in a Hawaii for a while?)


After denying scandal after scandal, Jon apologized to people for his "mistakes." He also said he believes he will survive this particular one.


But will he survive Nancy Grace? Jon will be facing off with her tonight on The Insider.


Oh, and Hailey weighs in, via Twitter, if anyone cares.


BREAKING NEWS: Kate Gosselin Files Motions To Get $230k Back From Jon [Radar]

1.) Flash Dance
This week on So You Think You Can Dance?, some woman flashed her crotch, and Fox gave her a flesh-colored blur, leading these ABC News correspondents to wonder whether or not she was going commando.

2.) Barbara disses Mariah's boring story on The View.



The interview was preempted for the breaking news that Chicago did not get picked to host the Olympics. When The View returned, Mimi's dog appeared.

3.) This.

4.) Jesus wanted John Phillips to have sex with his daughter.
Because he knew it would help Chynna sell her new album.

5.) Tyra has a knack for discovering people who are really good at being assholes.

6.) Tyra also finally discovered Objectum Sexuals.

7.) Check out this hot ticket on Judge Judy.

8.) So not glitz.

9.) Kim doesn't like anything "cheesy" or "cheap."
So don't let the wig fool you.

10.) NeNe bitches out Lara Spencer.