As someone who has had to deal with the suicide of a loved one I will say the most important thing I learned from the experience.
When a person takes their own life they are not in a conscious, aware or logical state. If they were they wouldn't do it. Criticizing their decision is akin to scolding someone in a coma for staying in bed all day. When someone has hit that point they are experts at hiding how bad they are actually feeling with jokes, smiles and excuses. In most cases they will go into a phase of euphoria right before taking their life. It seems as if they are "getting over it" when really they just know they won't be suffering anymore.
Loved ones will grieve and try to make sense of it all but the person isn't in their right mind, otherwise they wouldn't do it. It isn't about whining or attention as much as a deep emotional pain only they can truly understand. The best we can all do is identify the problem and make sure the person has access to help and knows how much they are loved. Remind them every day. Annoy them with it if you have to. But, know that sometimes that is never going to be enough to stop that pain.
I did visit her blog the day after her death and saw that she had linked a song in her last post. I actually linked it back to my own blog because I liked it so much. Similar taste in music, who knew.
It's infinitely creepy, how the Internet adds an element of voyeurism when there is a death. It was weird to see all the posts with 20 or so comments leading up her to last with 500+. It was heartbreaking to see the "comment removed by author" notes, knowing that someone close to her was likely monitoring her blog so soon after she died, and having to read even a small amount of people saying horrible things.
I ache to think of her loneliness, thinking of the times when I was pushed to the floor by a pressing fog of depression...the inability to connect and understand and find peace.
Thanks for this, Jenna. I followed her blog and loved her wickedly funny videos for NY Magazine and I've been struggling to figure out why she would want to end her life. Hopefully, we'll get some sort of closure and her poor family and friends will be able to start the looong process of moving on.
@lafleur: I was a fan of Daul Kim's blog when a friend of mine who is equally obsessed with fashion as I am introduced me to her blog this past summer.
And I loved the blog. Daul Kim was intelligent beyond her years and so human. Reading her blog, you felt a sense of connection, and, yes, there was an overwhelming sense that Kim was sad.
Kim was a great person, from what I knew of her through reading her blog and seeing her videos. She was a rarity in the fashion world, a personality larger than her career.
This saddens me so much, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. It's probably because I looked up to Kim.
Like you, I hope Kim's family gets closure. I also hope that there will be a publication of her blog entries and art; Kim should still live on as an exemplary member of the fashion world and as an amazing person.
I hope her family will find peace with the findings of the autopsy.
So sad for everyone involved.
(And I have to add that Le Parisien is not a gossip paper, it's a daily on Paris news. It's not the Washington Post, but still)
I do think that while it is important to take all quotes from the blog in context, even talking about feeling depressed in Seoul, followed not long after by this, is an indicator - being depressed isn't a 24/7 thing, it comes in waves. That she wrote 'KIDDING' after talking about ending her life doesn't necessarily mean it was all in jest - after all, she took the time to write about it, and what else would she say? Without the 'kidding,' people would have become concerned, and probed deeper, something that she probably wouldn't have wanted, if she was actually depressed.
So yes, context is key, but using the context to trivialize comments when they do have such pertinent topics to what has just happened won't help the issue.
@karmasutra är svensk: Yes, yes, yes. I came here to write this exact comment, but I didn't know how I would write it. You did it much better. It is easy to see signs after the fact and I agree whole-heartedly that all quotes should be taken in context.
HOWEVER, anytime someone discusses taking their own life, regardless of whether or not it is in jest, it should be taken seriously. Joking about suicide is one of the first signs that someone is going to try it. Too many people sweep early warning signs under the rug because they are uncomfortable talking about suicide. The best thing you can do if someone you know or love bring it up (even in jest) is to say, "I know you are joking, but when it comes to suicide I don't feel I can ever be too careful. Do you ever really contemplate suicide?" The worst that can happen is that they say no.
@karmasutra är svensk: A few weeks ago I finally sought help for my deep depression. Before then, I thought about suicide quite often, even if I wasn't quite at the point where I'd actually commit it. And if I ever said something out loud, I would always end it in, "Just kidding, heehee!" and everyone would laugh, even if inside I couldn't help but think of how it would end the pain. I'm glad I sought help and I really wish Kim had. I've been on medication for two weeks now and nobody close to me knew that I had depression for many years, and nobody can guess now, that's for sure. It's so easy to hide it and make happy blog posts about how we enjoy certain things, while on the inside think the opposite. Kim's blog may be an insight into her mind, but it could just be a ruse she put out there to convince everyone that she was OK even if she really wasn't. We'll likely never know.
@karmasutra är svensk: You're so right about the waves. I only recently had a shrink compare it to circular process. When you're in it, you're so far in it that you feel like you literally cannot speak or articulate how you feel. When you've lifted out of it, you can't fully remember how you were feeling or why, nor can you explain it. It's a lonely experience, and some people fall so deep that they can't pull themselves back out.
The majority of people who complete suicide have said something to somebody at some point, and the response you suggested is elegant and empathic. The only thing I would add is about mobilizing resources - if someone you know or love talks about suicide, tell their doctor, their parents, their residence adviser or anyone else who can be helpful or reduce risk.
Confidentiality and trust is so important, but suicide is a devastating outcome of mental illness or distress and a huge public health issue. Not everyone who talks about suicide is going to attempt, and talking about it with them doesn't raise their risk of doing so.
@Vivelafat says Sweep the leg, Johnny.: You know, I agree — joking about suicide is probably a red flag. But that particular post was just so obviously a joke. The writing was overblown and silly, it came off as totally tongue in cheek. You'd have to be tone deaf to miss it.
Daul Kim did write other posts where she hinted at suicidal thoughts in a much more serious, and concerning way; if those were being quoted as evidence of her mental state, I wouldn't object. (For example, in August of this year, she wrote a post that read, in entirety, "dont people understand / last stages / are / more / calm? // do you really think / im happy ?" And in July of 2008, she wrote this, which is frankly alarming.)
If either of those posts were being circulated as possible warnings that were missed, that would be one thing. But they aren't, because those posts are buried deep in her blog, between re-posted Versace campaigns from the 80s and Madonna songs and ruminations on Klaus Kinski. To find them, you'd have to read.
Far easier for a lazy journo to skip back to the first page of her blog, find a post that references suicide notably un-seriously, and quote selectively.
@Jenna: Your point came across very clear in the article, and you did not seem to be trivializing early warning signs at all. In fact, you seem to be advocating an honest look at the woman herself, rather than a cursory glance at her life for sound bites and some sort of explanation. I think that is a beautiful message, because it is one that often gets missed in the desire to "explain" why she did what she did.
It is only because of my personal experience (and blindness to early warning signs) that I fell it necessary to state that no matter how tongue in cheek, silly, overblown and jokily someone discusses suicide it is important to remember that they are, in fact, discussing suicide. I am sure (because I trust you) that her entire post was obviously a joke but the fact that she put so much time into crafting a post that was about suicide, suggests that she was at least giving it quite a bit of thought, and in this case, it seems as though it was a warning sign (one that perhaps she didn't even recognize.)
I literally gasped out loud. I wasn't a regular reader of Daul Kim's blog, but every time I read it, I wanted to be her friend. (And, for what little it's worth, I thought she was one of the most beautiful, interesting models in the industry recently.)
I live with clinical depression. I've felt the urge to stop the pain, just stop the pain. But I love the people in my life so much and so deeply that I'd live a hundred lifetimes of this pain before I'd hurt them by ending my life to escape from it. Because I've seen, time and time again, how heartbreaking it is for those who lose someone to suicide.
Sometimes, though, someone who's depressed feels like their death is doing a favour to those around them, that they're such a mess and such a burden, such a failure and so forth, that killing themselves is the right thing to do. Sometimes depression lies to you, and tells you people won't miss you, even though they will.
I'm so sad this lovely girl didn't have someone around to tell her that the depression was wrong. Or that even if she did, she was so far gone into the depression that she didn't hear them.
I am so saddened reading all these comments about how loved she was. I didn't know who she was until today, but it's just so heartbreaking that she isn't here to see and understand how loved she really was. I'm not articulating this very well. I just wish she could see this outpouring of love and respect - but I guess if knowing you are loved is enough to keep you alive, many people would never kill themselves. Suicide is such a tragedy.
11/24/09
When a person takes their own life they are not in a conscious, aware or logical state. If they were they wouldn't do it. Criticizing their decision is akin to scolding someone in a coma for staying in bed all day. When someone has hit that point they are experts at hiding how bad they are actually feeling with jokes, smiles and excuses. In most cases they will go into a phase of euphoria right before taking their life. It seems as if they are "getting over it" when really they just know they won't be suffering anymore.
Loved ones will grieve and try to make sense of it all but the person isn't in their right mind, otherwise they wouldn't do it. It isn't about whining or attention as much as a deep emotional pain only they can truly understand. The best we can all do is identify the problem and make sure the person has access to help and knows how much they are loved. Remind them every day. Annoy them with it if you have to. But, know that sometimes that is never going to be enough to stop that pain.
11/24/09
11/23/09
It's infinitely creepy, how the Internet adds an element of voyeurism when there is a death. It was weird to see all the posts with 20 or so comments leading up her to last with 500+. It was heartbreaking to see the "comment removed by author" notes, knowing that someone close to her was likely monitoring her blog so soon after she died, and having to read even a small amount of people saying horrible things.
I ache to think of her loneliness, thinking of the times when I was pushed to the floor by a pressing fog of depression...the inability to connect and understand and find peace.
11/23/09
11/24/09
And I loved the blog. Daul Kim was intelligent beyond her years and so human. Reading her blog, you felt a sense of connection, and, yes, there was an overwhelming sense that Kim was sad.
Kim was a great person, from what I knew of her through reading her blog and seeing her videos. She was a rarity in the fashion world, a personality larger than her career.
This saddens me so much, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. It's probably because I looked up to Kim.
Like you, I hope Kim's family gets closure. I also hope that there will be a publication of her blog entries and art; Kim should still live on as an exemplary member of the fashion world and as an amazing person.
11/23/09
So sad for everyone involved.
(And I have to add that Le Parisien is not a gossip paper, it's a daily on Paris news. It's not the Washington Post, but still)
11/23/09
So yes, context is key, but using the context to trivialize comments when they do have such pertinent topics to what has just happened won't help the issue.
11/23/09
HOWEVER, anytime someone discusses taking their own life, regardless of whether or not it is in jest, it should be taken seriously. Joking about suicide is one of the first signs that someone is going to try it. Too many people sweep early warning signs under the rug because they are uncomfortable talking about suicide. The best thing you can do if someone you know or love bring it up (even in jest) is to say, "I know you are joking, but when it comes to suicide I don't feel I can ever be too careful. Do you ever really contemplate suicide?" The worst that can happen is that they say no.
11/23/09
11/23/09
11/23/09
The majority of people who complete suicide have said something to somebody at some point, and the response you suggested is elegant and empathic. The only thing I would add is about mobilizing resources - if someone you know or love talks about suicide, tell their doctor, their parents, their residence adviser or anyone else who can be helpful or reduce risk.
Confidentiality and trust is so important, but suicide is a devastating outcome of mental illness or distress and a huge public health issue. Not everyone who talks about suicide is going to attempt, and talking about it with them doesn't raise their risk of doing so.
11/23/09
Daul Kim did write other posts where she hinted at suicidal thoughts in a much more serious, and concerning way; if those were being quoted as evidence of her mental state, I wouldn't object. (For example, in August of this year, she wrote a post that read, in entirety, "dont people understand / last stages / are / more / calm? // do you really think / im happy ?" And in July of 2008, she wrote this, which is frankly alarming.)
If either of those posts were being circulated as possible warnings that were missed, that would be one thing. But they aren't, because those posts are buried deep in her blog, between re-posted Versace campaigns from the 80s and Madonna songs and ruminations on Klaus Kinski. To find them, you'd have to read.
Far easier for a lazy journo to skip back to the first page of her blog, find a post that references suicide notably un-seriously, and quote selectively.
11/23/09
It is only because of my personal experience (and blindness to early warning signs) that I fell it necessary to state that no matter how tongue in cheek, silly, overblown and jokily someone discusses suicide it is important to remember that they are, in fact, discussing suicide. I am sure (because I trust you) that her entire post was obviously a joke but the fact that she put so much time into crafting a post that was about suicide, suggests that she was at least giving it quite a bit of thought, and in this case, it seems as though it was a warning sign (one that perhaps she didn't even recognize.)
11/23/09
Reminds me of this article:[www.techcrunch.com]
Maybe the internet really is stealing our humanity.
11/23/09
11/20/09
Whatever was eating away at her, may she have found peace.
11/20/09
May you find peace, Daul.
11/19/09
Sometimes, though, someone who's depressed feels like their death is doing a favour to those around them, that they're such a mess and such a burden, such a failure and so forth, that killing themselves is the right thing to do. Sometimes depression lies to you, and tells you people won't miss you, even though they will.
I'm so sad this lovely girl didn't have someone around to tell her that the depression was wrong. Or that even if she did, she was so far gone into the depression that she didn't hear them.
Rest in peace, sweetheart.
11/20/09
11/20/09
11/19/09
Rest in peace, Daul.
11/19/09
11/19/09
[nymag.com]
11/19/09
You're missed Daul. So very missed.