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Loren's Lessons
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Makeup
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Loren's Lessons
modelslips
"Your Skin Is Sooooo Dehydrated!" (And 9 Other Reasons I Hate Makeup Artists)
No one will make you feel like shit like a makeup artist will. Oh sure, there are abusive boyfriends, manipulative mothers-in-law, overzealous law enforcement officers…but it takes a makeup artist to peer deeply into your pores and castigate every single one of your personal habits while smearing your face with a dozen bacteria-ridden irritants and PROFESSING an interest in making you look good because, after all, it's a makeup artist you're talking to, and to have makeup professionally applied is to sit willingly in on the sermon of a high priestess of Let's Be Honest, Is There Really Anything More To Life? Our anonymous model contributor Tatiana, in New York for the first part of the summer, always thought there might be. Then she endured the Photo Shoot From Hell. Herewith, ten reasons she hates makeup artists, an idea I endorsed heartily because a makeup artist was actually the last person to make me cry. More »
Dearly Departed
Meet Kotoko Sato. She's a makeup artist whose clients have very special needs, though they never express them. Sato teamed up with Japanese cosmetics firm Falf Inc. to market Delfino: Beauty products for the dead. Delfino cosmetics contain silver compounds and titanium dioxide, chemicals that have antibacterial properties. That way, people are protected from infection when they touch a corpse. Morticians, funeral home workers and nurses are interested in Delfino, which retails at around $620 a set. (A little too spendy to try on these stubborn under-eye circles, sigh.) Anyway: "The bereaved families remember the faces of the departed for a long time. So I want them to look good," explains Sato. "I am pleased when the family of the deceased says the person looks like they are sleeping." [InventorSpot]
sephora spy
Can Foundation Really Be Waterproof? (And Other Details About The Next Generation Of Expensive Beauty Products)
Sephora Spy is back! Fresh from "SOS" training — it's the OT-8 of Sephoraologists! — our undercover Sephora operative Jasmine takes a turn for the scarily-technical this time around. Waterproof foundation! Hyaluronic acid! Uniforms like something out of the Starship Enterprise! Dimethicone-based foundation primers! And so much more. Estee Lauder and Revlon are just two fading giants in a Brave New increasingly multi-polar world of secretive $65-tinted moisturizer-peddling prophets like Perricone and rising giants exhausting the world's mineral supplies. Your questions answered, after the jump. More »
International Relations
On the heels of the soap opera ban, the Afghan parliament is considering banning jeans and makeup. The Taliban forbade women from working and stopped people from watching TV and playing music, but were ousted in 2001. Now some fear the country is sliding back toward more conservative values. "I am worried there will be another Taliban era ahead of us. We have fought for many years to gain some freedom here and it is our responsibility not to let this happen again," says Najiba Sharif, deputy minister for women's affairs. [Guardian]
clips
Earlier: •Bikini Waxes, Highlights & 'Tramp Stamps': That's What Little Girls Are Made Of
•How Many 8-Year-Olds Have To Get Bikini Waxes Before We All Agree The Terrorists Have Won?
Some Six-Year-Olds May Have More Makeup Than Their Moms
The mainstream (morning) news is getting on the girls-getting-beauty-treatments bandwagon: This morning, Today's Janice Lieberman reported on the marketing of manicures, pedicures, cosmetics and hair treatments to little girls...and their mothers. (How long until Sephora opens a chain of "Sephora Jr." stores?) Lieberman visited a mani-pedi party at NYC's Dashing Diva salon and spoke to psychologist Dale Atkins, who cautioned that "when kids are exposed to these types of products and images...it affects their self-esteem body, image, future eating disorders and sense of who they are." Clip above.Earlier: •Bikini Waxes, Highlights & 'Tramp Stamps': That's What Little Girls Are Made Of
•How Many 8-Year-Olds Have To Get Bikini Waxes Before We All Agree The Terrorists Have Won?
sephora spy
Mineral Makeup! Lip Plumpers! Oil Cleansers! Colonics? Sephora Spy Spills All, And More!
How did humanity even survive without some of the things we now regularly buy at Sephora? Yes, I am kidding. Today our Sephora Spy, Jasmine, is back, and, with the help of commenter LoMorale, she tackles your questions about some of the most common things you didn't know you needed before Sephora started selling them. Lip venom: is there anything to the pain? Mineral makeup: can you really sleep in it? Won't you break out? Oil cleansers: won't those also make you break out? "High-definition" makeup for making television appearances: crap, that's asking for a breakout. All that, a rigorous discussion of high colonics and what you won't hear from Jasmine while she's on the clock, after the jump. Not satisfied? Drop a line yourself to SephoraSpy@gmail.com. More »
opportunity cost cutting
5 Ways For Ladies To Make The Most Of All That Time They Waste Applying Makeup
Today the UK is issuing a lofty challenge to female citizens: Go A Day Without Makeup! Horrors! Thankfully, famous pundit Michael Kinsley knows this is not possible in American society. He knows because he goes on TV and has to wear makeup himself, which explains why men on TV are so much more empathetic with the feminist cause than other men, and ha ha ha that is a serious statement is what is sad about that. Kinsley says this with regards to Hillary Clinton, and how the fact that she is a woman means she gets at least forty minutes less sleep per night than Barack Obama, and wow, it is so simple that men are finally getting a grasp of this. There is nothing I regret more than the opportunity cost of putting on makeup and looking perfect all the time; no seriously, there was a time in my life during which I actually did that: adolescence. Adolescence! When the brain is at its most agile and capable of absorbing information, my brain was preoccupied absorbing ... stray droplets of T-Zone oil. But I have a solution, womenfolk of the land! More »
sephora spy
Meet Jasmine, Our New Sephora Undercover Agent
Remember life before Sephora? When twenty-seven dollars seemed a good price to pay for jeans, but not, like, a blusher packaged in a little brown paper box? Remember when eyeshadows were actually sold with their very own applicators and "cosmeceuticals" was not a term? Remember when ten bucks seemed like a lot to pay for foundation? Suffice it to say, we at Jezebel consider Sephora a scam on par with Scientology, and we have long desired to find a spy inside the company to tell us how it works. Well, we found one! Her name is "Jasmine", and like a Scientologist, she speaks in code. (Did you know that when a Sephora employee insults another Sephora employee's outfit, the insult is known as a "gift"? Jasmine would like to be the gift that keeps on giving.) After the jump, Jezebel operative and beauty expert LoMorale breaks down the method behind the makeup retailer's madness and interviews Jasmine about her life and work. Questions? Concerns? "Pushback"? Email us! More »
foreign affairs
Glasnost, Not Genetics, Made Russian Women Beautiful
Over on Slate yesterday, Anne Applebaum decided to pose the question, "Where Did All Those Gorgeous Russians Come From?" and then offer an answer: The collapse of the Soviet Union ushered in an era of makeup and Vogue, and, consequently, attractive Russian women! This is a notion of course, that is completely preposterous, perhaps a joke, and subject of a rebuttal on the site of The Economist today, which calls bullshit on Ms. Applebaum's theory. A writer on the magazine's Free Exchange blog says: "I agree that improved access to the means of aesthetic enhancement will generally lead to enhanced aesthetics, but I'd like to think I'd notice a towering Siberian goddess with or without spike-heeled boots and a layer of L'Oreal." Indeed! More »
drop dead gorgeous
Suffering To Be Beautiful Is Nothing New
Got bunions from heels? Lead in your lipstick? According to a story on MSNBC, women (and men!) have risked their health to look good for centuries. Ancient Egyptians had famously black-rimmed eyes, which were obtained by using a mixture of metal ores, lead, soot and fat. Pink eye, anyone? Says dermatologist Dr. Joel Schlessinger: "The exposure would eventually lead to irritability, insomnia and mental decrease." Sexy! Ancient Greeks and Romans used white lead face cream to "clear complexions of blemishes and to improve the color and texture of the skin." (As we know now, lead can cause skin ruptures, insanity and infertility.) Some scholars believe that the makeup, hair dye, cooking pots, viaducts and drinking cups — all made with lead— are one of the reasons the Roman Empire fell. Fast-forward to the 15th century, when the "dead white" look came back in full-force. For the next three hundred years or so, men and women of the court painted their faces white with a mixture of lead and vinegar. More »
Makeup Used To Be More Fun
The Sassybella blog has some great vintage commercials today: Maybelline's Dial-A-Lash mascara spot from 1982, and a 1970s Maybelline Waterbourne eye shadow ad. Dial-A-Lash mascara would excite gadget geeks: it was the only "adjustable mascara" with ten settings. "Dial it low for a light coat," the model explains. Fun! As for the Waterborne eye shadow, not only were the colors "born of the sea"; they could be blended like paint in the color well provided. Check out the videos, after the jump. [Sassybella]
The Sassybella blog has some great vintage commercials today: Maybelline's Dial-A-Lash mascara spot from 1982, and a 1970s Maybelline Waterbourne eye shadow ad. Dial-A-Lash mascara would excite gadget geeks: it was the only "adjustable mascara" with ten settings. "Dial it low for a light coat," the model explains. Fun! As for the Waterborne eye shadow, not only were the colors "born of the sea"; they could be blended like paint in the color well provided. Check out the videos, after the jump. [Sassybella]
Reader Roundup
Best Comment of the Day, in response to A New Makeup Straight Out Of Your Wet 'N Wildest Dreams!: "I hate mineral makeup. It is the Atkins diet of makeups." We say: does it make you gassy just like Atkins does? • Worst, in response to Being A Bitch Will Save The World: "I'm not a bitch! I'm not a 'real' bitch or one of those insecure bitches. I'm just not a bitch...and I don't like bitches much either." We say: to quoth Steel Magnolias, "If you don't have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me." We're guessing you wouldn't be very fun to sit next to. [Image via Oh! My God! I Miss You.]
Best Comment of the Day, in response to A New Makeup Straight Out Of Your Wet 'N Wildest Dreams!: "I hate mineral makeup. It is the Atkins diet of makeups." We say: does it make you gassy just like Atkins does? • Worst, in response to Being A Bitch Will Save The World: "I'm not a bitch! I'm not a 'real' bitch or one of those insecure bitches. I'm just not a bitch...and I don't like bitches much either." We say: to quoth Steel Magnolias, "If you don't have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me." We're guessing you wouldn't be very fun to sit next to. [Image via Oh! My God! I Miss You.]
blushing snides
So You Like The Lipstick? Here Are Six Common Fuckups To Avoid
Welcome to "Blushing Snides," a regular Jezebel beauty and makeup feature that will probably change names when we think of something less completely retarded. Our first installment was inspired by Moe's impassioned defense of red lipstick over nudes and the various "spermy" tones, which triggered a small commenter outcry and prompted Jezebel's two foremost product connoisseurs, BiscuitDoughJones and LoMorale, to privately express their dissent. "It's a lie perpetuated by the insidious cosmetic industry that everyone looks good in red lipstick! They don't!" said Dough, herself a makeup artist. "And, oh god, SO NINETIES," added Lo. After much deliberation it was agreed that red lipstick can work only if a few common pitfalls are avoided. And by a "few," we mean a lot. After the jump, Lo & Dough's Six Most Common Lipstick Fuckups, from "Retrodiculous" to "Brick Whorehouse," as told through the faux smiles of Gwen, Posh, Christina Aguilera and more of your favoritest celebs!
More »
war paint is hell
Ever Had A Makeover That Felt More Like A Human Rights Violation?
There is not much you can do to me to make me cry. Sure, you can invite me to a funeral, or Tuol Sleng or the first wedding ever held at David's Tower overlooking the ancient city of Jerusalem or any sort of movie that evokes the tragic limitations of the human condition (Hotel Rwanda, for instance, or Dutch). But on a person-to-person level, I never get too worked up about everyday demeanments, petty humilations, simple assaults... Okay, but then there is the matter of makeovers. I just had one, compliments of the Israeli Wedding Industrial Complex, that was so profoundly traumatizing I had almost fully repressed its memory until I read a story in this morning's New York Times about the legalized torture that is getting makeup slapped on one's face by a professional:"Feel your skin!" commanded the beauty adviser, taking my hand and running it along my face. "It's so uneven. You have dry patches and your pores are clogged!"Seriously folks, now I know why genocide victims avoid Holocaust movies. More »
broadsides
Our Painted Faces Could Be Giving Us Cancer
- Women who use makeup every day are said to absorb five pounds of makeup per year into their skin; some believe the chemicals contribute to cancer. [Telegraph
- One way to fight date-rape: Condoms on cocktails. [ABCNews]
- New rule! A judge in Nebraska says that a woman who has been raped cannot use the word "rape" (or "assault") in her testimony. [Feministing]
- Middle-aged women are at more of a risk of stroke than men. [Telegraph]
expensive shit
The Problem With The $26 Lipstick
British women are doing everything wrong when it comes to makeup. According to a survey done by Britain's College of Optometrists, one in five women in her late 30s or 40s uses a cosmetic that is over five years old, leaving her open to dangerous or annoying infections from a buildup of harmful bacteria. This, despite the fact that the British spend more on makeup than any other nation in Europe. Dr. Susan Blakeney, an optometric adviser to the college, says that a large reason women hoard "expired" makeup is that they are "constantly topping up their make-up bags with new products that they never actually finish any older products." More »
jackie
Martial arts man Jackie Chan has launched an eponymous line of organic skincare products. Just what the world's been waiting for! First supermodel Cindy Crawford and now Chan. Isn't everyone just dying to look like the 52-year old Asian stuntman?
http://www.jackiechan.com/news_view?cid=543
Kung Fu Cosmetics
Martial arts man Jackie Chan has launched an eponymous line of organic skincare products. Just what the world's been waiting for! First supermodel Cindy Crawford and now Chan. Isn't everyone just dying to look like the 52-year old Asian stuntman?http://www.jackiechan.com/news_view?cid=543
