Jezebel
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John Edwards
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crappy hour
John McCain: Yeah, Maybe Just Let This Guy Be President
Bummertown Thursday, dudes. There's a death toll of 20,000 in China, some 2 million displaced people in Burma (and a newly-passed referendum ensures they will all remain comprehensively and brutally oppressed!) and longest and most depressing of all, a not brief Times cover story on John McCain and All The Places In The World That Have Sucked Since The Seventies. "I'd rather lose an election than a war," he says, which kind of hits the nail on the head; with apologies to Lauryn Hill, we might win some but we really lost one, and maybe Creighton Abrams was the right guy at the wrong time and maybe that's just how it rolls in these war situations but whatever happens the next few years, Dreamy Team or no, are going to continue sucking. SinisterRouge is doing penance, Jim McGreevey's entering the seminary, and "sweetiegate", and the Anna Nicole autopsy report-inspired cocktail of psychotropic drugs the Department of Homeland Security is currently feeding deportees, are all discussed by me and cynical Megan after the jump. More »
news roundup
"I Think He Ought To Kiss Johnny Edwards On The Lips to Kill This 41-Point Loss..."
- Flip-flop! (Said our hearts.) John Edwards went back on his promise not to endorse anyone. Edwards adviser David "Mudcat" Saunders is to blame for the quote. Because maybe if Barry did something homo they would give up thinking he was Muslim? [CNN]
- Some hints that this was coming. [Atlantic]
- Will it ruin Ed Rendell's nice plan for Obama to ask Hillary to be his running mate? [CNN]
- Look, Hillary is doing her nicest to change the minds of all those supporters of hers who will do anything to avoid voting for the Muslim guy! [CNN]
- I'm thinking Obama should not broach the subject by calling her "sweetie." [Time
John Edwards brought his own special brand of nice-guy hotness to Morning Joe this morning and, under intense questioning by Mika Brzezinski, admits that he voted for someone in last Tuesday's primary and that he will likely endorse that person eventually. But he insists that he won't reveal who that person is because, "I just voted for 'im on Tuesday." Anyone think he's talking about John McCain? [Time]
news roundup
Laura Bush Talks Myanmar, Marriage
- Laura Bush gave a speech about Burma a.k.a. Myanmar and disaster preparedness and Jenna's wedding. Her lipstick was very well-applied. More than 10,000 people may die as a result of the cyclone. Harry built a limestone altar in Texas especially for the wedding. It will be "permanent" in contrast to many of the structures in Myanmar, where limestone and most other things are in short supply. The ruling junta is holding a referendum this weekend to solidify its control of their dirt- poor, isolated disaster zone and I guess this means they win. Governments that are more efficient when it comes to killing citizens than warning about floods always win in the short term. And also the medium term. [Huffington Post]
- Hey, speaking of nuptials/Third World personalities! Mariane Pearl might be Angelina Jolie's maid of honor. [Times Of India]
- The primary was so ugly, John and Cindy McCain couldn't bring themselves to vote for a candidate in 2000. [Huffington Post]
- Kind of similar situation with John and Elizabeth Edwards and Hillary and Obama. [TPM]
news roundup
Rape, Abortion, & Angry Johnnys: Everything Today Is Making Us Stabby
- The good news: there's a female marathon runner in Philly who helped the homeless by starting a running club with them. She seems nice. They also have a job training program. [CNN]
- Onto the bad news! There's yet another female KBR contractor coming forward to say that she was raped in Iraq. Same old story, really: a violent gang-rape followed by intimidation, the run-around, no consequences for the perpetrators and a non-disclosure agreement she was basically forced to sign to get anyone to investigate anything. [The Nation]
- Oh, and in case you weren't pissed off enough, a public health database funded by the federal government has decided to make it all-but impossible for the average library user to find information about abortion. [Women's Health News]
crappy hour
So, Barack Obama Throws His Dead Grandma Under The Bus And You Cry About It?
Yesterday Barack Obama gave a very long speech in which he dissed his dead white grandmother. His dead white grandmother who raised him. His dead white grandmother who raised him because his hippie white mother was too busy saving the world with her idealism — HA HA SARCASM — and his black father was off taking new wives in Africa where pagan nonsense like that is allowed. But his grandmother, the grandmother who raised him, was a teensy bit racist! Well now Barry, why do you think that was? So there was that, and some boilerplate standard fare liberal ideology and some empty words meant to appeal to radical communist Jane Fondaphiles and some people actually fucking cried. Can you believe these guys? What in the name of Judas do they expect all these pretty stories and idealism and disarming rhetoric and terrible granny talk to achieve? What good is supposed to come of all this "hope" shit anyway? Everyone knows that pessimists are the only ones who get anything done, and pandering shamelessly to long-established poll-tested demographic niches is the only route to the White House. "Hope" is just a distraction, a nuisance. Fuck that noise! The cynics have an election to win. (If, uh, no candidate.) Glamocracy Megan agrees with me, after the jump. More »
crappy hour
Harold & Kumar Get Bongwaterboarded!
Hey guys! Happy holiday we're not observing! Did you know Kumar from Harold & Kumar is an Obama supporter? Then you also probably knew Harold & Kumar are going to Guantanamo Bay this spring, just three days after the Pennsylvania primaries! Apparently the air marshals confuse "bong" with "bomb" and...get served burgers made from beef that is probably wayyyyy safer than the shit they are feeding your kids? (Hey, for the record, a CIA interrogator says Guantanamo isn't so bad. And wait, they have universal health care there, right?) That and Kosovo declares independence, John Edwards still doesn't declare his support for anyone, and the holy shit sad campus shooter's girlfriend after the jump with me and Megan Carpentier, who, as a bonus is IM-ing me from my couch. More »
crappy hour
Broke Hillary Fires Loyal Hill Force One Captain Patti Solis Doyle
Oh Patti Solis Doyle, we hardly knew ya! Maybe it is just that you resemble Rachael Ray, but even though your job running the Clinton campaign was surely tortuous, you always seemed so sunny and approachable. Unlike your boss's husband, we really did have a soft spot for you. But while you were masterminding such lighthearted and humanizing moments as that prank whereby Hillary pretended she was a flight attendant on her very own jet, Hill Force One was burning precarious amounts of campaign cash on its way to crash landings in Nebraska, Maine and Washington State. For the record, Megan and I think it was stupid to fire you on the eve of the eve of the three big Beltway caucuses. But if it means you'll be freed up to go on the talk show circuit and bump that annoying Terry McAuliffe from his designated position as the go-to Hillary mouthpiece, well, at least there is that. In other news Obama won a bunch of states, Bush wants to execute a bunch of Guantanamo detainees and John Edwards, like Natalie Imbruglia, is torn... More »
crappy hour
Schwarzenegger To Endorse John McCain, The Manliest Man Candidate (Who Is Impotent, But Whatevs)
Grrrrrrrrrr. John McCain HA-HA-HATES!! Mitt Romney. Which brings up an interesting little factamundo about this campaign. We've been paying alllllll this attention to the latent misogyny, the latent sexism, the prospect of a woman commander-in-chief, whether women who hate Hillary have probs with women, yawn — when over in the Terminator State last night, the debate was all about McCain looking at Mitt Romney and seeing a straight-arrow pussy who never got drunk, never fucked a whore, and was serving his Mormon mission in France of all places while he was in the Hanoi Hilton. And that's why conservatives (who are not Arnold Schwarzenegger) so loathe McCain, the man who gives them the shot they never deserved (understatement!) at the 2008 election. He is an affront to the very MANHOOD they love so very much they want to marry it. After the jump, Megan Carpentier and I probe the not-so-subtle role of dudehood in the election that could very well turn out to be a showdown between Dreams From My Father and Faith Of My Fathers. Oh yeah, and Britney Spears. More »
crappy hour
The Prettiest Pretty Boy Bows Out
John, no one's quite sure what went wrong. Were you just too white, too male? Was it the fact that, as Obama pointed out the other day, you have a "funny accent"? Or that, like Mitt Romney, you were simply too pretty? Was it that dramatic showdown your cancer-stricken wife had with America's Sweetheart, Ann Coulter? On CNN they're saying you were maybe just "too angry"...America's never elected an "angry president," John. Well John, I'm gonna have to go with the haircuts. The fifty gazillion acre estate — that's all part of the American dream. But you know what they say about the haircut economy, John: it gets pumped directly into the butt plug economy, the Streisand afterparty economy and Pride Parade float accessory economy, and in certain cities it even funds the gay wedding economy, if you can imagine that. It's why we love you, John. It's always sad to see a fag like you go. More »
the lady bunch
Whoopi Goldberg Totally Hates Her Co-Hosts On The View
Oprah was kinda serious all week, with her quitting smoking campaign, MLK Day special, and adult children of divorce episodes. So for this week's Lady Bunch, the focus will be on Tyra (duh), and Whoopi Goldberg's increasing disdain for her View co-hosts. Clip above, and, as always, lots more after the jump. More »
clips
John Edwards, David Letterman Tussle After Hair Tousle
Although we were psyched to see Juno screenwriter Diablo Cody on Letterman last night, the actual interview was a bit of a letdown: the two didn't really cover ground they hadn't already covered back in 2006 during Diablo's first Late Show go-round to promote her book Candy Girl. But Letterman's first guest, Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards, did not disappoint! (Who would've thought that a politician would be more fascinating than a former stripper?) After quizzing him on Monday's night's Democratic debate and ensuing "melee", Letterman asked Edwards about Barack and Billary's petty bickering ("When it gets in the ditch, it doesn't add much"), how all the Democratic contenders get along ("We can't stand each other") and, as a parting gesture, requested to touch his famous tresses. Ever the good sport, Edwards agreed...then responded by initiating a mock girlfight. Clip above.
love fests
"Slumlord" Barack Calls Hill The Evil Pawn Of Wal-Mart!
Tonight's Democratic debate got OMG nasty. And surprise! No one went easy on the black guy. First, Hillary Clinton sort of unabashedly misrepresented Barack Obama's recent statement about Ronald Reagan to mean he had a boner for all Republicans. So in response, he dragged out Hillary Clinton's history as the First Lady of the Board of Directors of Wal-Mart. Hillary struck back with some weird shit about how Republican loving Obama's law firm once represented a church that was doing a deal with a known slumlord...And when Obama pointed out that, duh, all this shit is petty and stupid, she countered with the fact that she had been dealing with such petty stupidity for sixteen years. Which is kind of also a lie, since I don't really think writing crap like Dear Socks, Dear Buddy really qualifies as putting yourself in the "line of fire", but I'll allow for some polemicist license. Dave Chappelle was there, incidentally. Oh — and so was John Edwards! [Wash Post]
crappy hour
John Edwards: Rohwr!
So this occasion: just how historic? That and other pressing questions, from "doesn't Britney look way cute in those pix?" to "who is Chuck Norris's hot wife and is it Anna Nicole Smith she looks cloned from?" to "which candidate do you feel most sorriest for?" to "do you feel better or worse about Evangelical voters now that they've voted for a tax-loving bleeding heart former fat kid closeted crazy person in lieu of terrible capitalist chastity belt wearing Mitt Romney?" and "is this maybe even actually good for McCain?" asked and maybe even answered by us after the jump. Also, homoconservablogger Andrew Sullivan predicts "black America" is going to wake up. Because he speaks for that monolithic entity in a much classier accent than Al Sharpton! More »
Jezebel has its very own undecided voter in Iowa! (It's not the voter a visibly not cocaine-influenced Obama is talking to in this AP picture, but you get the idea.) Our reader writes she'll be bringing her toddler to caucus tonight "because I'm a single mom with no freakin babysitter!" She's not using one of Hillary's teens because "you have no idea who you'll get to take care of your kid" (I'm thinking an establishmentarian midwestern Honor Roll student in the mold of young Hillary herself? But who knows.) At any rate, she's not voting for Hillary; like so many Iowans she's torn between Obama and Edwards. (They're both so pretty!) So twist her arm here, irrelevant state residents. "I secretly like the fact that when it's time to switch off the candidates that have the least votes, I'm super good at convincing my neighbors to go my way," she writes. Also, she appreciates that the media attention makes Iowa look like "less of a hick state." Well Scarlett Johansson is there, for Pete Wentz's sake!
crappy hour
Iowa Caucuses Tomorrow! And Al Sharpton And Michael Moore Are...Fat Blowhard Pussies
OHMYGODOHMYGOD, it's almost January 3! Do you live in Iowa? Hillary has an underage baby-sitter for you. Go to college there? Barack Obama has a bus waiting to take you back so you can exhibit your youthful delusion that a black man could be voted president in this terrible country. Today is a very exciting day, because both Al Sharpton AND Michael Moore, pillars of the fat ugly blowhard hater lefty establishment we all so love, have finally chosen to weigh in on the Democratic candidates, and their choice is...well they're still on the fence. Here is a theory: the candidates are all too pretty for them. I mean, would you even do a double-take if you saw Elizabeth Kucinich walking down the street with Barack Obama or John Edwards? After the jump we discuss beauty, socialism, whether the country is irredeemably racist, and somehow, professional basketball, for your voyeuristic pleasure! More »
crappy hour
