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Budget-Conscious Brides Apparently Even More Obsessive Than Regular Brides

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AliKerimBey
03/23/09

In reply to Budget-Conscious Brides Apparently Even More Obsessive Than Regular Brides
I am a dude, and I loved my big wedding.

I was completely against the whole affair at first, but honestly it was worth it.

I know that it's not the hipster way to do it, but we had a traditional big lavish wedding. I didn't go into debt, but we didn't have anything left over either.

That said, it's all in the approach. It was big, but we tried like hell to make people feel comfortable. We didn't pressure guests to do or give, but we wanted to give to them, to show how important these people were to us - even the creepy relatives who I learned not to be like. I wanted to show them a grand time not to honor me or my "big day" but as a thank you.

Now I get not having a big affair if you don't want to, but it really seems like there's a stigma around here that if you have one you're a dink. And maybe I'm too old-fashioned or not hipster enough to be around here, but I find it important to take care of the people who have supported me.
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clevernamehere
03/23/09

@AliKerimBey: I think dudes are way more likely to be into the big weddings than girls. I always wonder if it is in part because they aren't socially expected to plan the wedding.

We have this stereotype of the bridezilla but I have 3 friends who had bigger or more formal weddings because of the guy they were marrying.
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Kivrin
03/23/09

@AliKerimBey: Hey, if you really WANT a big wedding and would enjoy it, then more power to you! What a lot of us here are railing against is the idea that EVERYONE has to have a so-called traditional wedding -- even those of us with crazy families, and those of us who are serious introverts and would be absolutely miserable being the center of attention at a lavish party. It's the expectation that everyone wants what you had -- that's what pisses a lot of us off. (At least I think I'm speaking for some other Jezzies here.)
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eri401
03/23/09

@AliKerimBey: Wow are there a lot of men on Jezebel? Somehow that makes me happy.

Anyway, congrats on your big happy wedding!
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chritter is a nocturnal feminist mancatfish
03/23/09

@eri401: I wouldn't say "a lot," if you're just talking percentagewise. But yeah, there's a fair amount of us around.
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Pittsburghenne
03/23/09

In reply to Budget-Conscious Brides Apparently Even More Obsessive Than Regular Brides
I'm in the fun situation right now where my friends are "saving" money by not inviting my long-time boyfriend to their wedding, but I still get to pay to fly 2000 miles, stay in a hotel, and buy them a gift. But at least they get to save that $80 for his dinner.
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LaComtesse
03/23/09

@Pittsburghenne: Ooh, that's cold. People traveling that far get a guest, especially if they've been dating their guest for that long. I mean, if you were dating this guy for six months, lived a town over and would be staying with your parents, that'd be one thing, but your friends are being jerks.
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Kivrin
03/23/09

@Pittsburghenne: Send 'em a nice gift from the registry and stay home!
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Jello Mix
03/23/09

@Pittsburghenne: I'd either offer to pay for his meal and attend, or stay home.
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SylvanSylph
03/23/09

In reply to Budget-Conscious Brides Apparently Even More Obsessive Than Regular Brides
Sundress from Loehman's... $100.

20 pounds of ground beef, 50 buns, mayo, pickles, potato salad... $100.

2 kegs of PBR... $120.

100 homemade cupcakes... $30.

Friend's back yard... free.

Not having to make conversation with weird relatives on your "special" day... priceless.

I have a plan.
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momentsofabsurdity
03/23/09

In reply to Budget-Conscious Brides Apparently Even More Obsessive Than Regular Brides
I know this is not a popular opinion on Jez but I love weddings. I know my wedding will be a big shabang - if I *just* invite immediate family (that being parents, sisters, first cousins, uncles + aunts -- I know this isn't immediate family for many, but in my culture, it absolutely is) I'm topping out at ~50ish, more once everyone starts getting hitched and having kids. That doesn't even count the "family that's not related/distantly related" and friends. Plus his side.

So yeah. It'll be big. And it'll be a big deal. I'm the first girl on both sides of the family (another big deal in my culture) and heads will roll (mine in particular) if it is a "low-key" affair.

And honestly? I don't want it to be. I don't know who I'll marry, or when, but my family has become so scattered across the country that I look forward to everyone coming together and having a big beautiful celebration. I want the cliche white dress and the centerpieces. Maybe I gave in to mainstream America, and I certainly don't think the wedding is more important than the marriage (and I'm sure I'll be bargain hunting for the big day anyway) but my idea of a wonderful wedding for myself doesn't include a potluck. While it can for many, I don't think that a low key wedding necessarily "better."
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EdithHeadsChignon
03/23/09

In reply to Budget-Conscious Brides Apparently Even More Obsessive Than Regular Brides
My husband and I opted for a small wedding. It was a Friday afternoon and we did a lunch for about 15 people. I wore a cream-colored linen short tank dress with a matching blazer that I already owned; he wore a suit. Total cost for the wedding, including cake was about $300. With the money we saved, we spent a week in Moorea on our 1st anniversary. If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't change a thing.
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tomatoheart
03/23/09

@EdithHeadsChignon: I don't even know where Moorea is, but that sounds so damn lovely.
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dahliacactus
03/23/09

In reply to Budget-Conscious Brides Apparently Even More Obsessive Than Regular Brides
I have to disagree with the don't have a wedding for someone else (although I understand the spirit of it).

I mentioned up thread that my dad showed up with 5k, and my mom 2,5k. For and only for said wedding. I spent it on a meal and DJ for 80 ppl, and a tent to keep the rain off us. Back yard, kegs, homemade dresses.

I HAVE NEVER EVER done anything to make my mother as happy/proud as my wedding. No higher ed degree, no personal accomplishment could ever compare to a wedding for my mom. That's really really too bad, but it worked for me and I'm glad i did it for her. It was worth it.
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TheFormerJuneBronson
03/23/09

@dahliacactus: We had a Catholic wedding for our grandmothers. It turned out to be the last time I saw my father's mother alive. I'm grateful to this day that we went to the trouble of the pre-Cana and the Mass; she never had a daughter, and I was the first granddaughter. It was a very big deal to her.
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J.D.Regent
03/23/09

@dahliacactus: right? weddings are alllllll about other people. the state, your folks, whatever. otherwise yeah, go to a registry office and sign some papes. but a wedding? its not all for you.
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eri401
03/23/09

In reply to Budget-Conscious Brides Apparently Even More Obsessive Than Regular Brides
You know, wedding posts on Jezebel always piss me off. Maybe you have to be there to know how shitty it is, but I can't appreciate the easy shots at much-derided brides (the "Well, I would just do ABC- easy!" comments). I never thought I'd sympathize with those running-of-the-brides videos until I found out how expensive wedding dresses were...and how hideous cheap knock-offs were. I am NOT a wedding person and have to negotiate my student budget. Even with the recession as an "excuse" for cutting out certain expenses, it is damn HARD.

I also don't understand this, hm, reverse-bridezilla behavior. Small, inexpensive weddings can also reek of "fuck the guests/mom/etc, I'm doing it MY way." Having pricier options at the wedding is often times NOT the bride being greedy but is simply about being a good hostess. How can we skimp on proper meals when these people are flying across the country to share this day with us? There is a basic level of respect you need to give to your guests.
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Kivrin
03/23/09

@eri401: Wow. I wanted to respond to this, but...we're approaching the issue from such different perspectives, I'm pretty sure I would only piss you off. Oh well. Different strokes for different...brides.
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TheFormerJuneBronson
03/23/09

@eri401: People do get really pouty about not being invited to weddings, too, since "we're having a small wedding" has become code for, "we're not inviting you," not actual communication of, "no, really, we're having a small wedding." We both have big families and were the first on both sides to marry. Even if we'd had potluck at his parents' house, the base guest list would have been sixty-five people.

I also don't quite understand why some people have a hard time letting other people be happy for them via gifts, and will take every opportunity to dictate whether or how those gifts are to arrive. When you take no pleasure in a gift, you spoil someone else's happy sentiment too. Unless the bride is a complete bitch, I love choosing wedding gifts for people. No one has to say what they think of everything; the only acceptable response to someone else's generosity is "Thank you."
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J.D.Regent
03/23/09

@eri401: I actually know what you are talking about. if having a large amount of family is important to you and people are flying in from far away the pressures (and prices) do increase... luckily there are still lots of things you can cut out and NOBODY will notice -esp things that are more about you than guests. center pieces, fancy invitations, prof. photographers, prof. djs/bands,expensive dress, professional hair and makeup, a wedding party (just expensive and annoying). any pre wedding parties like engagement or showers or whatever, "wedding favors" (WTF?) etc. I mean you have to give everyone food and drink but a lot of the things they make you feel are necessities are really not. everyone will just be so happy to be there celebrating with you.
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eri401
03/23/09

@Kivrin: Yeah but there is a level of hypocrisy here. We all hate the WIC attitude of "omg your napkins don't match = fail." However, the reaction here is to smugly sneer at anyone who does want a church wedding, who does care what her mother thinks, and who does want 80 guests (even if 60 of them are family). I am also sick of the "I am not married but if I was, I'd do _______ and thus I am smarter/ less-materialistic than you" sentiments.

I think I am squarely in the middle. There is no church wedding and I have no bridesmaids. I will not have a Bach party or any of that nonsense. I don't have a color scheme or exorbitant centerpieces. I hate big parties and we are not having a honeymoon. I'm making all the invites. My registry is asking for $20 gift cards from Target. There will be no DJ and no wedding video.

However, I do want to wear a wedding dress and be with my big family. Our venue does not have AV equipment and since we like classical music, we'll splurge on a quartet. I do NOT want to elope. 95% of the guests are coming from far away and I'd like to at least offer them something filling and a glass of wine. For 80 people, this has exploded to $15,000 already.
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TheFormerJuneBronson
03/23/09

@eri401: Isn't it killer how people regard live music as evidence you've gone to the dark side? I never understood that. We had a morning wedding and afternoon reception, and we hate DJs. My mother hired a jazz trio from the local music school for way less than DJ service, and people still talk about the wonderful music at our wedding.

I also skipped the video. Photographs and memory are sufficient for me. One tends to forget what went wrong over time, if the marriage is good.
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Kivrin
03/23/09

@eri401: I really shouldn't weigh in on wedding stuff at all, because I don't care about ANY of it. I would be perfectly fine getting married at the courthouse. The honeymoon is the only part of getting married that ever sounded remotely fun to me. So all the other stuff related to "the big day," I just can't understand at all, because wanting any of that? So foreign to me. That's why it's relatively easy for me to get on board with criticisms of extravagant weddings: because hell, I don't want ANY kind of wedding, so I definitely find it easy to hate on extravagant ones!
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Kivrin
03/23/09

@Kivrin: (BTW, I do realize that I'm an anomaly. I don't expect everyone else to feel like I do. Obviously weddings mean a great deal to a great many people in this world. I'm the weird one! Still, I do struggle to understand.)
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eri401
03/23/09

@Kivrin: I think I am just frustrated. There is little common-sense support for the middle-of-the-road brides. TheKnot and most wedding websites make my head explode. On the other side of the spectrum, my Marxist grad school peers roll their eyes at *everything* and just stop short of calling me a sell-out.

In any case, congratulations to you! I hope you have a happy celebration in your own style :)
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sallyfloyd
03/23/09

@eri401: I will not have a Bach party or any of that nonsense.

The first time I read this, I was like, "Why you gotta be hatin' on baroque composers? They've written some lovely wedding-appropriate music."
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Kivrin
03/23/09

@eri401: Hey, I understand -- in most areas of life, I am all about finding a middle path! And I commend you for attempting to do so; I know it can't be easy! And I think it's great that you're having live classical music -- that sounds lovely. :)
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Kivrin
03/23/09

@sallyfloyd: Me too! I was like, "What is this 'Bach party,' and can I have one, too? I love baroque music!" :)
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Dictator for Life
03/23/09

@eri401: I'm firmly in your camp. I'm inviting a number of more distant relatives that my brother pissed off when he didn't invite them to his wedding 4 years ago. I'm also (selfishly, but what the hell) hoping they'll all spring for a nice present.
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tomatoheart
03/23/09

In reply to Budget-Conscious Brides Apparently Even More Obsessive Than Regular Brides
my dude wants a wedding WAY more than i do. I'm super not into them...think they're a giant waste of time and a throw-back to some unfun feminist bullshit (though I love the recent feministing post about feminist weddings). He is an only child though and i think his desire to give his parents what they want is really important to him. We're compromising the details.
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tomatoheart
03/23/09

@tomatoheart: make that "unfun unfeminist bullshit"
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Kivrin
03/23/09

In reply to Budget-Conscious Brides Apparently Even More Obsessive Than Regular Brides
Ooh, serious question for y'all: Fiancé informed me that bride and groom are supposed to give wedding gifts to each other. I have NEVER heard of this. Granted, I've only been to 4 weddings in my life, so I'm not an expert. Please, enlighten me!
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devilchyld22
03/23/09

@Kivrin:

Oh jesus christ.

This better not be true.

Isn't the rest of my damn life enough??
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J.D.Regent
03/23/09

@Kivrin: awww looks like someone wants a PRESENT!!!! tradition or no, a pair of starwars cufflinks is easy enough to find.
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odinsraven
03/23/09

@Kivrin: I have no idea if that's a rule, but I've always seen it practiced that way (I've got probably half a dozen weddings under my belt). And they have usually been nice gifts - watches, jewelry, etc.
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Majrhoulihan
03/23/09

@Kivrin: Ugh, I hate this tradition. Not as much as the bouquet toss, but still, you're committing yourself to him for life, AND you need to bring a gift? LAME.

I think most people do things like earrings, cufflinks, ro a watch - somethin you and he could potentially wear at the wedding. If it were me, I'd buy my man a barbeque. He'd love it and I would get cheeseburgers out of the deal.
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gangey
03/23/09

@Kivrin: I've seen people do this, often with the gift exchange as a photo op when the bride and groom first see each other on the wedding day (if they decide to take photos before the ceremony). I think this is a new consumer tradition along the lines of the push present for a new mom.

I think it is silly, and we did not do it at our wedding. But if your boy wants a prezzie, I say get him one!
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Kivrin
03/23/09

@odinsraven, @Majrhoulihan: Argh, WTF? I bought him a nice (enough) watch for Christmas last year. And he never wears shirts with French cuffs. I call bullshit on this tradition, and I'm going to boycott. If fiancé buys me another piece of jewelry in addition to the rings, I'm gonna kick his scrawny arse.
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Kivrin
03/23/09

@gangey: I actually don't think it's about him wanting a present -- he brought it up because he was worried about what to get me! And I'm like, Dude, I already get two rings to your one...I don't need more presents!
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Majrhoulihan
03/23/09

@Kivrin: OHH! What about stocking your liquor cabinet? You buy his favorite, he buys yours and you call it a gift.

It's a gift that just keeps on giving.
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emilyanne
03/23/09

@Kivrin: never ever heard of that. Then again I have a husband who has no ring partially because we couldn't afford two and partially because he has big fat Irish peasant hands.
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Kivrin
03/23/09

@Majrhoulihan: That's a good idea. We can buy each other a bottle of some fancy vintage wine, let it age a few years, open it on our 5th anniversary or something. Of course I know nothing about wine, but I've heard of people doing this before.
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Jello Mix
03/23/09

@Kivrin: Rather than buy each other presents, Mr Jello and I chose to get something we would both love: a puppy. If all goes well, he should be with us for the next twenty years or so.
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gangey
03/23/09

@Kivrin: Fantastic idea!

We are going finally print our wedding photos and put them in an album on our fifth anniversary - not as much fun as yours! Also, not bloody likely to happen, since we've had the same plan for each anniversary we've had so far.
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Kivrin
03/23/09

@Jello Mix: Dude, I would totally be down with that, but my existing puppy would be very displeased... ;) (Is that your dog in your avatar? Adorable!!)
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Majrhoulihan
03/23/09

@Jello Mix: A puppy! See, I thought this tradition was bullshit and now we're talking puppies, cheeseburgers and wine.

I love this now.
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LaComtesse
03/23/09

@Kivrin:I got my husband 10 Yankee games for the following year (nosebleed seats, but nice!) He made me a backgammon board with his own two hands. But the idea that you have to go all out and buy diamonds or a stereo system or something is crap and it's NOT a tradition.
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Dictator for Life
03/23/09

@Kivrin: They always do this on My Big Redneck Wedding. One bride got her husband a personalized bowling bowl. He spent $30 in quarters trying to get her the right stuffed animal out of the Claw machine at the bowling alley. Another groom got his bride a pink shotgun. These are all great ideas! Right?
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misspell
03/23/09

In reply to Budget-Conscious Brides Apparently Even More Obsessive Than Regular Brides
I made my own dress and had a civil ceremony (best part: max. 9 other people in the room!). It was cheap, it was quick, and to risk sounding too saccharine, I got to focus on being in love instead of being in debt. And I didn't have to strain my voice making that shrill shrieking noise that the stressed out brides make. A win all around.
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Kivrin
03/23/09

@misspell: Good for you. The debt thing just blows my mind. I can't imagine going into debt for a wedding.
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misspell
03/23/09

@Kivrin: It's insanity. People spend more on weddings than I make in 3 years. Spending that kind of money freaks me out. Well, it would freak me out if it was even possible, that is.
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frankie22
03/23/09

In reply to Budget-Conscious Brides Apparently Even More Obsessive Than Regular Brides
The best wedding I've ever been to was at an ancient church, where the roof was caved in and it was all covered in moss. They didn't have to pay anything to use it. We all sang "All You Need is Love" by the Beatles as the bride walked up the aisle(in a bright red dress she bought from a vintage shop). Then we all went to a great salsa restaurant, paid for our own dinners and danced all night. It was awesome.
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Kivrin
03/23/09

@frankie22: That sounds awesome, but I'm guessing you don't live in the U.S. -- we have a dearth of ancient, moss-covered churches here. :(

(Yet another reason why I need to emigrate to Europe!)
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katcarl
03/23/09

In reply to Budget-Conscious Brides Apparently Even More Obsessive Than Regular Brides
I am presently planning a wedding and spent a fair amount of time cruising wedding sites for cheap ideas, and I have to say that the hyper-DIY brides actually freaked me out far more than the $30K+ budget brides. Spending two weeks hand printing save the date cards? Making 400 caramels as favors? Holy feelings of inadequacy, Batman.
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belle TL
03/23/09

@katcarl: I know just what you mean--the cult of Gocco and similar is seriously intimidating. While I loved following the seriously crafty brides while I was in the planning stages and applauded their efforts...sheesh. I had lots of DIY projects (mostly relegated to jewelry, program and a CD favor), but none were nearly as impressive as those by the truly crafty.
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Pocahaunted
03/23/09

@katcarl: Date cards? I'm making a facebook group yo.
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TheFormerJuneBronson
03/23/09

@katcarl: I used to work with someone who crocheted 75 favors for her wedding guests. I know how to do these things, but when it was my wedding, I was perfectly okay with Jordan almonds in tulle. Now that I think of it, I can't remember what we really gave away. There were almonds, but they were my MIL's deal; I hate them. I think it was potted flowers.
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greengrey
03/23/09

In reply to Budget-Conscious Brides Apparently Even More Obsessive Than Regular Brides
I want to elope. Or just go down to city hall and get the papers. The throw a party (with my/interguyhere's own damn money, that we saved), with the most being spent on an open bar.

And maybe one of those roast pig things.

Bam!
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Laines
03/23/09

@greengrey: After our courthouse do, we had our reception (all ten of us) at our fave margarita bar up in the mountains above the city. When we showed them the license they gifted us with some fried ice cream with sparklers on top for after lunch.

Damn. Now I'm hungry.
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devilchyld22
03/23/09

@Laines:

This is exactly what we're doing.

Court house wedding.

Small pot luck reception to make the parents happy.

And around 8 it's time to bar crawl into the night.

The most perfect plan, if I've ever heard one.
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TheFormerJuneBronson
03/23/09

In reply to Budget-Conscious Brides Apparently Even More Obsessive Than Regular Brides
If I had it to do over, we'd have something much, much smaller. We were completely broke when we got married, both in school, and we told our parents we'd be glad to pay for it: cake and punch in the yard. This was not acceptable to them, so they paid for it: church, club reception, open bar, 160 people. It was lovely, but completely exhausting and stressful.

I could live with a return to the Victorian/postwar wedding where getting a church was a big deal, and most people seemed to do something in the bride's parents' house with a new suit and about thirty people, tops. Hell, Laura Ingalls Wilder's parents weren't even at her wedding, and neither were his. They had supper afterwards with her family, and went to her new home. On a Thursday, yet.
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Treeless
03/23/09

@TheFormerJuneBronson: I love it that you remember how the Ingalls-Wilder marriage went down! I loved those books to death (although my biggest memories involve the Ingalls' hard winters and feasting in the Wilder clan).
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TheFormerJuneBronson
03/23/09

@Treeless: I was fascinated by her wedding when I was a girl. I must have read that volume of the series more than all the others (and I didn't quite get how much their first four years of marriage sucked donkeys until I actually got married and realized--yikes, they were in debt, Laura can't cook rhubarb, they had three failed crops in a row, their son died, and their house burned down--our early years of marriage were officially better, and we lived with my in-laws for two of them).

I didn't even mention that she was married in a black dress! They paid the minister $10, and their wedding gift was a cow. They were married for sixty-two years. I mean, you really can't argue with that.
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Kivrin
03/23/09

In reply to Budget-Conscious Brides Apparently Even More Obsessive Than Regular Brides
I got engaged last year, and the fiancé and I were always intent on running off to a tropical isle to get married by ourselves. I've had several people tell me, "Okay, fine, elope if you have to, but you still have to let us know where you're registered!" Um, no, we're not doing all that stuff. Fiancé and I are almost 30 years old. We already have (TWO sets of) china and a kitchen mixer and everything else we need. Why can't my friends just be glad that they don't have to do the gift registry nonsense? Weirdos.
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Jello Mix
03/23/09

@Kivrin: Our relatives insisted on a registry, too, so we upgraded some of our stuff. For example, we asked for nice cooking utensils and trashed the cheap set we got from Ikea. We also put fun stuff on the list, like a Wii and a Wii Fit. Our relatives wound up fighting over who got to give them to us.
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Laines
03/23/09

@Kivrin: If they absolutely have to do something you could always direct them to a charity you support and tell them to gift in your honor.
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Kivrin
03/23/09

@Laines: Yeah, I'm considering setting up a webpage or something (if people seriously pressure me) and posting links to a few animal rescue charities.
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gangey
03/23/09

@Kivrin: @nwporn: Ditto. We had everything we needed, and knew we'd be moving soon after the wedding and didn't want MORE junk to pack. Since our wedding was in CO and 41 of our 48 guests had to travel to be there with us, we told everyone their presence was our present. Which was true! But most people still gave us something, and a few were miffed we didn't register.
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Dictator for Life
03/23/09

@Kivrin: My fiancé and I are also almost 30, but we've been using hand-me-downs and cheap stuff since we started college. We are registering in order to have new stuff that matches for the first time in our lives. We're also registering for things like Pottery Barn gift cards, since all our furniture is also hand-me-down. I'm actually really excited, and have put a lot of thought into our registries -- we've only registered for stuff we actually want, and haven't registered for things like picture frames, or tchotchkes. I'm really, really hoping a few relatives will spring for the vacuum cleaner, as I am tired of using a dust-buster on an entire room. Really, registries are a great thing if the bride and groom haven't had the disposable income to buy the stuff people usually register for.
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