Jezebel
missdemeanors
Posts Tagged “
Defamer
”
missdemeanors
magazine mashups
The Harper's (Bazaar) Index: Hillary Clinton's "Sexless" Style, Julianne Moore, & Orgasm-Inducing Luggage
Do people get confused by Harper's Magazine and Harper's Bazaar? After all, the luxury goods industry is not so different from Halliburton — shameless, ubiquitous, and sooo fucking talented at charging more for less. So again, we're taking things to their (ill)logical end with our own "Harper's (Bazaar) Index", inspired by Harper's famous feature, which parses the world of big oil, big money, big politics and Big Pharma and puts it into easily-digested numerical form. After the jump, Anna and I look at the May issues of both magazines and juxtapose co-sponsored Senate bills among presidential candidates with their sense of style; compare the KKK to luxury design house Lanvin; and "discuss" federal subsidies for American airlines with respect to the chic summer vacations of Chloe Sevigny, Lake Bell and Isabella Rossellini's daughter Ellettra. More »
cover lies
Glamour's '50 Most Glamorous' Does Not Include Cover Model Jessica Simpson
Yes! The June Glamour is here, and, once again, it is full of useless features, like the reader-generated list of the "50 Most Glamorous Women." It's so refreshing to see a montage of the Patrick McMullan red carpet crossed-leg poses and pouts we've seen a million times before. Too bad that list excludes boobilicious cover model, Jessica Simpson, who just so happens to sit on the cover so unGlamourously. And why is it that the coverline about vagina normality rests so suspiciously close to Jessica's very own hoo-hah? Could this be a case of accidental art direction? After the jump, find out all the other really useful information inside the June Glamour, including some genius advice on how to make men worship you (hint: it involves breasts). More »
midweek madness
This Week In Tabloids: The Spears Sisters Reunite & Someone Sells The Pix
Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we search for actual "news" in the celebrity weekly magazines. Another slow week in Hollywoodland means the covers are rehashed stories you've already heard. Again. Britney "wins" two covers because she went to her sister's baby shower and is thin. The other three covers feature Angelina Jolie, Aniston/Mayer and Montag/Conrad. Intern Sharon assists as we dig for a gold doubloon of gossip on the beachy shores of the weekly mags, after the jump. More »
photo shop of horrors
French (Photo Retouchers) Don't Let Famous Women Get Fat
Remember the horror of that almost-unrecognizable atrocity at left? Turns out we can blame Pascal Dangin for that. Dangin, you see, is what writer Lauren Collins, in this week's issue of the New Yorker, calls "the premier retoucher of fashion photographs", a onetime hairdresser who so believes in reincarnation (symbolic, not metaphysical) that, when he moved from France to the U.S in 1989, he chose the first very flight out of Charles de Gaulle airport on the very first day of the new year.
Many women are transformed by Dangin's computer stylus, which sits in a basement laboratory at "Box", his four-story, Manhattan Photoshop fortress: In addition to Drew, there is the trophy wife with the "flat" face and "short" legs; the shoulder blade found "in a recent project at W"; the cast of the Sopranos; Prada models; "a famous actress in her late twenties"; a "crunchy"-faced model; "another well known actress"; "an actress with a movie coming out this spring"; Kate Moss; models Liya Kebede and Raquel Zimmerman; Madonna. And then there is model Christy Turlington, who, Collins explains, "needs the least help".
More »
missdemeanors
"I Guess Her Legs Finally Gave Out From The Weight Of Her Testicles"
Welcome back to Missdemeanors, in which we issue virtual wrist-slaps to popular gossip bloggers for Crimes Against Womanity. This week, everyone is a transvestite, according to the usual offenders: Brooke Shields' "legs finally gaveout from the weight of her testicles", while Khloe Kardashian and Brooke Hogan should "swap tips on shaving their testicles." Bloggers' continued degradation of female celebrity bodies and their corresponding punishments, after the jump. Let the Jezebel Justice system begin! More »
signature psychoses
Heroes' Sexy Kristen Bell Has The Handwriting Of A Hermit; Kidnapper
Just how many blondes are there on the show Heroes? And how many of them have been on the cover of Cosmopolitan over the past year? I don't know the answer to that first question — I've never watched the show — but as to the second, the answer is, three. (Someone at NBC primetime publicity is giving his/her bosses their money's worth.) In October, we saw Ali Larter; in April there was Hayden Panettiere; and now, come May, we've got Kristen Bell. The 28-year-old actress, like her predecessors, is not only subject to a short cover profile but the magazine's 'Cosmo Quiz', in which she fills out a questionnaire about her likes and dislikes... and gives us a reason have her handwriting analyzed by graphologist Sheila Kurtz. So how does Kristen come off? The short answer: she's extremely protective, ambitious, intuitive and decent. As for the long answer, well, all that's after the jump. More »
clips
Sex And The City Cast Were Practically A Parody Of Themselves On Oprah
With countdown to the release of Sex and the City: The Movie officially starting today, the cast appeared on Oprah, in front of a boozed-up, overly excited, Cosmo-swigging audience. It was almost a parody of itself. (As Sarah Jessica Parker walked onstage, one woman, martini glass in hand, was actually seen jumping up and down and mouthing, "Look at her shoes!") So what did we learn? Well, those "dream sequence" stories they were feeding the press while the movie was being shot were all a bunch of bologna. SJP had 81 costume changes. And Cynthia Nixon was "shocked" when she fell in love with her similarly-ginger girlfriend. Clip above, and after the jump, some very gay stills. More »
model memories
A Look Back At Tyra's 500 Episodes
Tyra has a lot to celebrate: Today marks the 500th episode of her talk show, which, we learned this morning, has been nominated for a Daytime Emmy (this year in a different category, "talk show/informative" instead of "talk show/entertainment"). TyTy was a guest on The View today, and she let us know that New York City Mayor Mike Bloomberg has christened April 30 "Tyra Banks Show Day." (Unlike Mariah Carey, however, Tyra is not getting her signature colors shown on the Empire State Building.) So in honor of this very special occasion, we've compiled some of our favorite clips from Tyra's Emmy-nominated third season. Pack your bags, y'all, we're going after the jump. More »
midweek madness
This Week In Tabloids: "Desperate" Jen Aniston Finally Gets Laid
Welcome back to Midweek Madness. It's spring, and the weekly mags are all abuzz with a new relationship. In fact, according to In Touch and Us, Jen Aniston and John Mayer spent one weekend together in Miami and now it's LOVE. The other covers deal with Katie Holmes as a
missdemeanors
"Let's Cut Off Jenna Jameson's Clit And See If It Grows Back"
Welcome back to Missdemeanors, in which we issue virtual wrist-slaps to popular gossip bloggers for Crimes Against Womanity. Another great week of woman-bashing on the internet, you guys. Fergie's gender gets questioned — as does the gender of Julie Andrews. What has she ever done to anyone? Besides playing beloved icons Mary Poppins and Fraulein Maria? In addition: Denise Richards "used to be one of the hottest pieces of ass on earth," Kelly Clarkson is too fat to be naked and Kim Kardashian looks like a tranny call girl. Sigh. The offenders, their crimes and sentences, after the jump. (And, because these sites rely on readers and suck the life out of them the way parasites rely on hosts, all sentences today will be parasitic infestations.) More »
maghag
Kate Moss In French Vogue: Biker Chic(k)
Well, we've posted a couple of photo shoots from the April issue of French Vogue, but we haven't really discussed the cover story starring Kate Moss. The shoot, by Inez Van Lamsweerde and Vinoodh Matadin, is titled "Sur La Route," or "On The Road" and it's clearly inspired by the 1968 film Girl On A Motorcycle, starring Marianne Faithfull. A lovably weird, psychedelic romp, the plot involves Rebecca (Faithfull) receiving a motorcycle as a wedding present from her lover. Then she gets herself a leather jumpsuit and (wearing nothing underneath), leaves her husband and drives to see said lover, having crazy trippy daydreams as she rides. They say the flick inspired the more-famous Easy Rider, which came out the next year. In any case: Check out the sleazy trailer for the film and the Vogue shots of Kate Moss, after the jump. More »
trash tv
An Open Letter To Chuck D: What Do You Think Of Flavor Flav Now?
Dear Chuck D, So last night I checked out Flav's new show Under One Roof — the MyNetwork sitcom that can best be described as The Fresh Prince of Bel Air meets a KKK cartoon — and I was wondering if you checked it out. 'Cause if you had, you woulda seen that it's horribly minstrel-y, stupid, sexist, and most offensive of all, just not funny. And while we can all claim cognitive dissonance or "but Flav is really like that" when he's dancing around in tuxedo tails and white gloves or proclaiming his love of fried chicken and Hennessey on his reality show Flavor of Love, the same can't be said for a scripted television show that relies on negative racial and gender stereotypes as a premise. Seriously, I wanna know — what do you have to say about this? More »
screen sirens
Does The Female "Buddy" Movie Exist?
A reader pointed us to a blog called xkcd, where the poster asks, "Quick, name a few recent popular movies where the two top-billed stars are female." Does your mind go blank? Hollywood loves a buddy movie, but when it comes to women, they're usually love interests, or looking for love interests. Especially recently. Of course, indie films and horror or sci-fi flicks often get away with having a woman as the lead (and not in love), but indie ≠ Hollywood. And directors get away with having a woman as the hero in a horror or sci-fi movie because it's not real. It's a fantasy when Milla Jovovich kicks zombie ass or Uma Thurman slashes ninjas with a samurai sword. In any case, the guy from xkcd tallied up the male/male pairings, the male/female pairings, the female/male parings and female/female pairings of a few years' worth of movies, using IMDB to pinpoint the 20 biggest titles of each year. Here's what he found: More »
midweek madness
This Week In Tabloids: Tom & Katie's Issues, Angelina's Doctor Drama, Shiloh's Cute Face
Welcome back to Midweek Madness! The New York Post reports that the celebrity weeklies aren't doing too well — Us, Life & Style and In Touch all missed their rate bases (the amount of circulation a magazine promises advertisers it will deliver each issue). Is it because celebrities aren't acting as crazy as they did last year? Is it because these magazines are lame? We may never know. But the covers this week — two for Tom and Katie, one for Britney, one for Angelina and one for Shiloh — sorta sucked. Intern Sharon assists as we brave the infested pages of Us, In Touch, Life & Style, OK! and Star, after the jump. More »
missdemeanors
"Not Even Her Milky Tits Can Hide The Fact That She's Almost The Size Of A Small Minivan"
Welcome back to Missdemeanors, in which we issue virtual wrist-slaps to popular gossip bloggers for Crimes Against Womanity. Same circus, different clowns, you guys. Getting pregnant "ruins everything," Pink is "a dude" and Katherine Heigl "needs to work on her legs. The offenders, their crimes and sentences, after the jump. (And, because someone picked on Brooke Hogan, all sentences today will be pro-wrestling moves.) More »
midweek madness
This Week In Tabloids: TomKat Split; Ashlee Simpson's Engaged & Pregnant; Mariah Carey Is Slim
Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we search for actual gossip in the celebrity weekly magazines. This week, there are two covers devoted to the demise of Katie Holmes' marriage; one featuring Miss Britney Spears; one packed with pregnant chicks and one celebrating super svelte Mariah Carey. A gossip column swears that Tom and Katie are living apart because their home is being renovated; the rags are calling it a "trial separation." With the assistance of intrepid Intern Sharon, we shovel the shit excreted by OK!, Us, In Touch, Life & Style and Star, after the jump. More »
vaggie tales
The Vagina Monologues Anniversary Celebration Was Wet & Wild
Earlier this year, author Nancy Redd was asked to give her 2007 body-positive book 'Body Drama' to 250 teenage Hurricane Katrina survivors at a ceremony marking the 10th anniversary of the 'Vagina Monologues'. "I've harbored a major crush on Eve Ensler for over nine years," Nancy says. "Growing up with normal teenage angst and inadequate health education, I hated my vulva and I never referred to "down there" as anything other than a "hoo-ha". The Monologues were my introduction to feminism; nothing was more empowering to 18-year-old me than having a legit reason to scream "MY SHORT SKIRT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU!" and "IT'S SUPPOSED TO SMELL LIKE PUSSY!" to the world." Below, Nancy fills us in on everything that went down in the (very fertile) Crescent City over the weekend, where 18,000 participants raised awareness of violence towards women by giving love to vaginas and the amazing women who own them.
Eve Ensler considers New Orleans to be the vagina of America. In fact, in her tribute monologue to New Orleans, Welcome to the Wetlands, she makes some pretty awesome comparisons to the vag, like:"We call her sultry and sexy when we crave her, but after when we want to demean her and dismiss her, we call her swampy and soiled."and
"We brag about her music, the way she moves, we beg to get inside her, but disown her later when she has needs."That pretty much sums up the ex-boyfriend we've all had and hated, right? More »
