Jezebel
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crappy hour
Who Would God Vote For? Probably the Fascists!
Not that I ever smoked, but I guess I'd start, too, if my house looked like that. But there are disasters all over the place today, from Hillary's wonderful comments on race to the innocent guy we held in Gitmo who decided that the terrorists were right about us to the Myanmar cyclone pictured. It's disaster day on Crappy Hour, as Moe takes a much-needed break and I take a moment away from Glamocracy to talk Texas, Hillary, terrorists, fascists and God with the Washington Independent's Attackerman, Spencer Ackerman. More »
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Hillary Wins Another Primary!
Done and done and done and yup, even the Wall Street Journal thinks done. Hillary officially halted her frenzied schedule of telling the cable newsiverse how Good she feels and what a Good Time she's having and how Good it feels to be taking policy advice from Joe Sixpack etc. etc. And how did Obama do it? And how did Peggy Noonan know?? We'd rather talk about Burma and Putin Jr. and the insane San Diego fraternity coke bust, but Megan and I will try to talk "delegate math" and the surreal CNN comment that gave us both inexplicable sex dreams after the jump. More »
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Barack Obama Doesn't Look Too Psyched About That Beer
Fifty thousand people are dead or close to it in Burma, and Barack Obama can state unequivocally that he does not drink designer beer. Seventy five percent of American adults will at some point be impoverished. The average American car owner really must save $30 this summer. Chris Hitchens believes Barack Obama may be pussy-whipped. Ellen Page believes Burmese dictator Than Shwe is a modern Hitler. And when tomorrow comes, Terry McAuliffe believes everyone will be saying that Hillary Clinton did better than they thought she was going to do in both the North Carolina and Indiana primaries tonight. Now there's a statement Glamocracy Megan and I can get behind! After the jump, an unusually hip-hop laden edition of Crappy Hour. More »
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Future VP Bobby Jindal's College Girlfriend Possessed By Satan? Or Just Horny?
Meet Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal! He's the frontrunner to be the running mate to the presidential candidate closest to death, so it will surely please you to know that, in his brief 36-year life, he has endured many difficult things, including the presence of SATAN HIMSELF. Well, it was either Satan, or a melodramatic college junior whose desire to fuck him made him worry he was gay or something. But we're going to go with Satan, since he's running for vice president, and what better proof that the Devil Remains At Large than the current holder of the vice presidency? That said Bobby's story, written about an episode that took place while he was a rather Jesus-y undergrad at Brown University, sounds a little too much like an emotionally unavailable twentysomething dude's account of a relationship with girl with "drama" to be quite convincing.Watch Glamocracy Megan and I parse Bobby Jindal's satanic verses — and the gas tax holiday bullshit! — after the jump. Seriously, it is so much awesomer than Kucinich with the UFO. More »
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Did Hillary's Appearance On O'Reilly Actually Make Me Like Her More?
Fox is the only news channel that gets any audio on my cable box. This is something, like the interminable nature of this campaign, I generally regard as a negative. But yesterday I had a revelation. See, Hillary Clinton just went on Bill O'Reilly, and when they aren't rerunning clips of the really boring interview, the Fox News talking heads are creaming their pants over how well she's held up, what a "fighter" she is, etc. And it hit me: has Hillary Clinton's stubborn refusal to drop out maybe been good for America? All the phony, cynical and self-serving praise she's had heaped upon her pantsuited self from Rush and Ann and the Weekly Standard and the "Fair And Balanced" regime has started, ever so gradually, to convert into something genuine: respect. Anyway, The Indianapolis Star just endorsed Hillary, a Baptist minister got ushered out by Secret Service for asking John McCain if he really called his wife a "cunt", and Barack Obama drank shit beer at a VFW and the whole thing has lasted so long it's starting to feel like life itself, and Megan and I decided to look at it on the beer-glass half-full side today. More »
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Good Morning, Voters! I'm Calling On Behalf Of "Women Voices." If You Are Confused, My Mission Is Accomplished!
In which we adopt the persona of Women's Voices. Women Vote robocaller and misinformation chief Lamont Williams, if he only had a voice.
Yo voters, this is Lamont, calling because you need to register to vote. Oh really? You already registered? But did you ever receive the packet? Did you send in the detailed form? Because we explicitly stated on every packet that you were required to send in the form. All right, to be sure, you are not required to send in the form to vote, per se, but to be registered. And you need to register! To vote. Women's Voices, Women Vote has even kindly provided me with some dates and deadlines, although they are mostly, to be honest with you sisters, completely arbitrary and false and I suspect only generated to elicit the sort of mass confusion popularized by Karl Rove, but I'm a cynic. Five years after Bush said so, I also don't believe, ladies, that the Mission was actually Accomplished, or that Saddam Hussein orchestrated September 11, or that Guantanamo is really such a decent place to retire. And as far as I know, Barack Obama isn't Muslim and the United States did not invent AIDS, but maybe I am paying too much attention to these two winos named Moe and Megan... More »
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Dear Gitmo Residents, How About We Wake You Up When This Jeremiah Wright Crap Is Over?
Dear Osama Bin Laden's former driver Salim Hamdan: you had the right idea, sleeping through your court appearance this morning. Seven years you've resided in Guantanamo, yet somehow the Pyrrhic victories you score against the idiocracy do not cease. You won a Supreme Court case against one of the most loathed men in the most loathed presidency in US history; then the guards moved you into solitary confinement. Your empathetic lawyer was named one of the 100 most influential in America; then he got fired from the Navy. Outside your cell walls yesterday George W. Bush heaped new praise on ethanol subsidies and gas tax relief and the World Bank President wondered whether we were really opting to feed our cars before we fed our stomachs. (The answer to that is yes.) So yeah, we'll wake you when the world is just a little less absurd. Till then Megan and I will parse Jeremiah Wright and whether "pansy" is a gay slur and all that usual crap we do after the jump. More »
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Dear Barry: We Agree, Please Just Start Smoking Again (Just Not Menthols)
Today, TheRoot made the courageous call no other news outlet, mainstream or meme-stream, has had the foresight (or clear-eyed grasp of the myriad complexities of the current era) to do, and penned an open letter to Michelle Obama requesting an indulgence so Barack can have a fucking cigarette."Think about the pure gold of 'Barack outside smoking with the boys,' like he surely used to do, talking sports with the friendly janitors who were having a smoke outside the University of Chicago Law School," Paul Devlin writes, reasoning that a few smokes might even help him win over white voters. "If Hillary had stopped smoking, believe me, she'd have started again (and denied she ever stopped), and then reminisced about her smoking breaks with the gals back when she worked as a hair-netted cafeteria lady in a Terre Haute elementary school." There are many other reasons we could add to the list of Reasons To Light Up, starting with the recent revelation that Jeremiah Wright is a fucking underminer, and that self-professed "liberal" Chinese students in the United States are turning increasingly nationalistic. Megan and I list a few others after the jump, but only because it gives me an excuse to light up a cigarette. More »
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"Eight Years Ago You Promised To Restore Dignity To The White House...Brilliant Appearance On Deal Or No Deal!
Gaiety! Bacchanalia! Food shortages! The White House Correspondents Dinner happened over the weekend. "One of the most hideous events I've ever been to," decreed Ruper Everett (of the cinematic gem The Next-Best Thing. Megan went. So did Heidi and Spencer and Pete Wentz. Megan recognized Donatella Versace, but not Ashlee Simpson. Lauren Conrad grew "awesome bangs." Glamocracy reigned, so to speak, and not just in Washington; I went to a lovely wedding! Prince performed at Coachella! And the rest of the world continued to fast and fester under the weight of wrongheaded economic policies that systematically placed risk of reckless neocons and Wall Street plutocrats on the shoulders of taxpayers, undermining capitalism's every last virtue and then some. That and Jeremiah Wright speaks, Bill Clinton's Obama hate is deconstructed, a brief discussion of the Laffer Curve, after the jump. More »
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Dalai "Clique" Scores Major Date To Chinese Party!
Here's a ray of sunshine to anyone who ever wondered if their massive personal reserves of good karma were never going to amount to anything: the Dalai Lama just scored a meeting with the government that excommunicated him in 1959! Oh sure, and the cops who killed that nice unarmed electrician the day before his wedding got acquitted, Mugabe is doing everything in his power to undermine the will of his electorate and McCain wants to cut taxes, but sometimes you just gotta ignore the haters and say to yourself, "It's Friday, y'all! And guess who's going to China? The DALAI FUCKIN LAMA." Megan and I discuss what the Dalai Lama was like in high school, and the accuracy of the Hillary as Tracy Flick meme, ATJ. More »
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PA. Kids Punished For Choosing Obama Over Nothingness
Aw, look at the cute boys from Scranton who got suspended for cutting class to see Obama! They missed a quiz on The Stranger. "Existentialism is dead," one said. If only we could say the same for killing the Arabs, kids! So yeah, we really, really wanted to play hooky today. It's hot in my house and most of the "news" today consists of different ways of saying "Barack Obama is fucked and can't win and has alienated every typical white person he has ever encountered blah blah, blah blah and oh yeah Eliot Spitzer fucks whores; stop me before I kill my laptop without remorse etc." So yeah, Megan and I decided to talk instead about Syria and North Korea and all the other places we could totally obliterate, plus who bought the securities backed by mortgages in Gaza, but we don't really find any answers. Click or don't click, it doesn't really matter. More »
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Sure, Hillary Won Pennsylvania, But Barry Nabbed The Hateful Ignorant Fratboy Demographic!
They are known to let dead people come back to vote for ward leader in Philadelphia, but when I arrived at my polling place of the last two elections yesterday, I found my name mysteriously removed from the rolls. My friend and South Philadelphia homeowner Ryan, meanwhile, got turned away for not being a Democrat, even though he changed his registration the last time he realized the Green Party was lame during last year's mayoral primary. Look: the last machine still running in Pennsylvania runs its voters. Hillary was going to win that. No one on Crappy Hour ever predicted Barack was going to carry this, or even get close, or if we did it was a joke or we were too hungover to know what we were doing, obvi. So I'm not really that mad about Barry's inability to "close the deal." I am, however, kind of baffled by the Abercrombie & Fitch thing. From blind gayvotion to NAFTA to centimillionaire executive pay packages to endemic racism to bland pointless predictability Abercrombie is the epitome of everything about the America that is not "ready" for a black Muslimy Marxist freethinking president. Were those the best white kids you could find, Axelrod? That and more minutiae with me and a very hungover Megan after the jump. More »
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Would It Kill These Candidates To Eat A Frickin Cheesesteak?
Readers, this campaign season we've borne witness to many things. The rebirth of the word "trollop" and Ann Coulter endorsing Hillary...Geraldine Ferrarro fell victim to racism, and now Bill Clinton telling us Obama used their vast race card conspiracy against him too; he's got memos to prove it. We've learned about Obama's brother in China and Hillary's brothers from Retardville. We've watched Hillary throw back shots like a drunk sorority girl and promise to totally obliterate Iran like a drunk frat guy. We've seen Barack Obama reference Faulkner, Marx and Jay-Z like some consciousness-raising enlightened hip-hop dude who gets laid way too often for you to trust him entirely. But readers, for six weeks we have been stuck in this state, a state so authentically lowbrow it gets away with calling its homeless shelters overnight cafes, and somehow we have yet to see a presidential candidate eat a fucking cheesesteak. So Megan and I are off to do that now (oh, yum) and vote, but not before gracing you with this morning's riveting IM exchange. More »
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We're Headed To Philly Tonight!
Megan and I are convening in Murderdelphia tonight for tomorrow's Pennsylvania primary! This morning a seven-alarm fire reminded everyone once more there used to be an economy there. Now there are too many vacant buildings and not enough crackheads to fill them. Five murders happened over the weekend in Philly. Chelsea Clinton submitted her ass to a fag hag gang grope. Michael Moore endorsed Barack Obama. The railroad industry made a comeback. The Pope made some speeches. Jeremiah Wright is going on TV. Some Republican told other Republicans to forget Reagan. Jimmy Carter won't make it so easy on you! Obama said he thought John McCain would be better than Bush. (Maybe because the Walnuts' stubborn refusal to wear a flag pin dovetails with his own 1960s radicalism?) And number one Jezecrush Thomas Frank got a weekly column in the Wall Street Journal. "The landmark political fact of our time is the replacement of our middle-class republic by a plutocracy," he wrote. "If some candidate has a scheme to reverse this trend, they've got my vote, whether they prefer Courvoisier or beer bongs spiked with cough syrup." There's a thought to drank to! His new book is called The Wrecking Crew. More »
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Obama: Gotta Get That Dirt Off Your Shoulder
Another week, another Friday Crappy Hour in which the lesser-known Crappyist Megan (of Glamocracy) is forced to beg for someone to write it with her so that she can avoid talking to herself online like she does in real life. Luckily, Spencer Ackerman (of the Washington Independent and the newly-launched Attackerman) is as big an intellectual whore as I ever was despite having never been a lobbyist. We talk about how the New Yorker loves to quote bloggers but never by name, campaign sex, how W. cock-blocked Spencer more-than-just-metaphorically in November 2000 and how the Hamas endorsement of Obama is just part of the vast right-wing conspiracy or something. Guess Obama's got some other dirt to brush off his shoulder. More ».jpg)
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Clinton, Obama Field Tough Questions About Flag Pins, Third Grade
You know how the American public is sick of "politics as usual"? Well so yesterday I had a feeling I wanted to stay away from the Democratic Primary debate in Pennsylvania but it seems like Charlie Gibson and George Stephanopoulos were determined to poison me anyway and somewhere between Bosnia and Bittergate and a half-carafe and 13 irate text messages and emails about how awful it all was I became gravely ill. Was it more despicable or shameful or simply Shakespearian, with Hillary playing Lady Macbeth and Obama playing the part of...uh...a "cucumber: a highly alert cucumber, but not one which was frightened of being sliced up and turned into sandwiches"? Did they disgrace the already disgraced enough profession of journalism? Or was it just all the commercial breaks? After the jump, Megan and I try not to hurl but this David Brooks column makes it sort of impossible.More »
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