Jezebel 
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New York, 4:05 AM
Fri Nov 27
2 posts in the last 24 hours
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10/01/09
10/03/09
My anxiety seemed to pretty much resolve itself, though--I'm still more anxious than the average person, probably, but not drastically so. Well, by itself and via zoloft for a couple of years. I do have Asperger's, though, so I'm probably always going to be anxiety-prone.
10/01/09
I've always struggled with anxiety, but I recently moved to a new city (after living in the same place my entire life) where everything is new and my anxiety has become almost crippling. It's at a level I never thought it could get to. The thought of going out and meeting new people is exhausting, I am incredibly uncomfortable and awkward around people I don't know very well, and I almost never want to leave the house.
This is a huge problem because I am also trying to find a job in this big new city. I'm constantly worried that my anxiety and introvert behavior will be a reason I'm not hired, and I've been going over and over it in my head trying to figure out what is wrong and how I can fix it. Sometimes I don't even want to try for certain jobs I know I would be good at because it seems like this will always be standing in the way of where I want to be in life.
Basically, what I'm trying to say is, even though I'm still struggling with it, it makes me feel better to know that I'm not the only like this. It gives me that little bit of hope that this won't dictate my life and I can have bigger things if I want them. I just want to know that I won't feel like this for the rest of my life.
Sorry, I'm feeling extremely emotional today.
10/01/09
Dad, I don't want to upset you, but my left breast is developing at a significantly faster rate than my right. It can only mean one thing: cancer. I'm dying.
Anna, meet Anna: I'm sure you'll get along nicely.
10/01/09
10/01/09
Just today, I have worried about whether I have 1)H1N1 2)whether I will give it to my daughter who will subsequently die of it 3) Crohn's disease and whether I will need a stoma 4) whether my house will burn down because I want to light a fire in my fire place....and this is just this afternoon.
Of course, at birth my mum described me as screaming, beet red, with my back arched like a contortionist--umh, I dunno its sort of nice to know that I was wired to be an an hypochodriac, catastrophising superfreak....now back for a nice round of "what disease do I have" courtesy of www.wrongdiagnosis.com and medline.
10/01/09
10/01/09
I am an anxious person. I get nervous around people and also worry about something happening to someone. I get a little freaked out when I don't hear from someone or can't get a hold of them and think they are in a car wreck somewhere and what if I don't find out and maybe I should start driving common routes they take to make sure.
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There are times that I realize I'm worked up, and I have no reason to be. I don't even have to be thinking any thoughts that would normally cause me to worry. It's just this random sense of impending doom that pops up every so often. Usually the "doom" is a fear that I'll do something stupid that will make people not want to hang around me any more.
I've also realized I tend to feel uncomfortable when I DON'T have something to worry about or feel anxious over.
10/01/09
The good news is that my anxiety has gotten much better as I've gotten older and I'm finally aware of my tendency to create my own worries, so I do a better job of keeping my mind busy with more constructive things. Most of the time.
10/01/09
Most docs I've talked to seem to think it's a mix of nature and nurture with me. It's probably not as bad as it used to be. I no longer have a constant marquee running through my head that accuses me of being a lesbian/not being a good enough Christian, or tells me I have some fatal disease and my parents can't bear to break it to me.
Now I just worry about being social and being liked and am convinced everyone is annoyed by me. Intimacy issues, much?
To reference your last paragraph, there is a weird amount of knowing that, as a doctor told me, some people are just more anxious than others. Meds and such can help, but I am never going to be "Oh a cop is pulling me over. Whatever." Hopefully I won't burst into tears and start hyperventilating, though.
10/01/09
10/01/09
The sex thing may have been influenced by my paranoid religiosity. I think there's even a term called scrupulosity [en.wikipedia.org] to describe it. I was constantly apologizing to God for everything. In my head. Also was certain Jesus would return while I was shopping in Wal-Mart. No wonder I'm more of a Target fan nowadays.
Not just to Anna, but everyone-stuff like this is why I love Jezebel. We are not alone, anxious peeps.
10/01/09
Of course, now I have anxieties that my therapist has diagnosed as survivor's guilt, living decently well and moving into a new apartment when my parents are becoming essentially homeless (they still have a pension and can rent a house or apartment though). And yes, I still frequently believe that I have a strange new disease or that everyone secretly hates me.
There must be some clinical term for when your worst anxieties suddenly become true.
10/01/09
Does that happen to everyone? Or can I join the list of people who relate with this kind of thing?
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10/01/09
Anna, get out of my head! This is actually a borderline serious problem for me - I have a really hard time enjoying good things that happen because I am convinced I now owe some huge karmic debt and the universe is going to collect when I least expect it. But see, if I expect it, then it won't happen.
Oh my god, it's even crazier-sounding typed out than it is in my head.
10/01/09
10/01/09
I used to keep a "worry journal" - writing down what I was worried about in the moment, then going back when I was calm, and writing a rational, logical response. Hmm..maybe I should start doing that again!
10/01/09
10/01/09
As I get older, I feel more okay about the things I do to mitigate my anxiety. I still sometimes force myself to be social when it's important, but other times I let myself withdraw. I set money aside so I don't feel deprived, and have worked hard at getting out of debt and cutting off that particular avenue of distress. It doesn't solve everything, but what does?
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10/01/09
It really helps to be conscious of the rabbit trails my brain diverts to. To grab hold of the thought and stop it before it spirals or to turn of the radio when they mention the recession for the 45th time.
10/01/09
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10/01/09
Fun Stuff.
That being said, I suppose we all have our demons, and if mine can be largely kept under control with therapy, medication, and remembering to breath, I suppose I should count myself among the lucky.