Jezebel 
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New York, 5:22 PM
Sat Nov 21
50 posts in the last 24 hours
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11/06/09
According to court records and other sources, Rihanna struck Brown in the face "numerous times" before Brown assaulted her. NCFM purports although that would not justify his more severe assault, her violence should not be ignored, and if she does not "woman up" to it then her message will be the usual one-sided double standards that leave female perpetration covered up.
The saying, "There is no excuse for domestic violence," applies to both sexes. Female violence in relationships is not rare but is often hypocritically deemed acceptable or humorous, such as in the film, Sideways. It is part of the cycle of domestic violence, which cannot be stopped without addressing the problem honestly. Children are damaged just by witnessing domestic violence, regardless of its severity. A 32-nation study by the University of New Hampshire found women are as violent and as controlling as men in relationships worldwide #rihannainterview
11/06/09
I wish Rihanna well and I hope she's on her way to having a great life. #rihannainterview
11/06/09
To be clear, I think Chris Brown is a piece of horseshit who has yet to take full responsibility and I loathe the fact that the public might use this interview to absolve him. Moreover, i've never been hit by a lover before so I am aware of the fact that I lack a visceral understanding about her experience in that sense. But what I have experienced before is being in love with someone I considered my best friend, and being in a relationship with them in a place and a time when I felt like I had no one else, no one else who "got" me, no one else who knew what I was going through, no one else who I could fundamentally relate to. That creates a dependency that makes you love a person without reason I think, because you not only find love in them, you create home in them. You make them your safe place.
It's a dependency that doesn't end when the relationship ends. Instead it creates a cognitive dissonance where after the breakup you have to make them a good person who did bad things as opposed to a bad person who you were tricked into believing was good or a bad person with good moments, because at the time when your relationship with them ends you feel like you have not only lost a lover you have lost something akin to a family member. And no one wants to admit that there are bad genes in their family. No one wants to admit that they loved someone so dark and so damaged. Because, their secret fear is, then it hints at or suggests some possible damage or deep sense of worthlessness in they themselves. It's a deeper thing, I think, than even the feeling of embarrassment she mentions. What she is dealing with a deep sense of shame that someone she consistently considered the foremost person in her life thought little enough of her overall, and so little of her in that moment, that he was willing to hurt her so badly.
When someone is your "best friend" in your mind--not just your boyfriend, or your lover but your best friend-- it's almost like you revert back to class one (first grade) honor codes. You find a way to take some responsibility for the person's actions because you think of yourselves as a unit. You proclaim your allegiance to them publicly. You don't pick someone else at the swings. Most importantly, you protect them from "bullies" or "enemies". You don't let anyone be mean to them. You've done it for so long that it's almost instinctive. Speaking badly about them publicly feels like tattle-taling. And no one wants to be a tattletale on their friend.
She is struggling so hard with that part of the loyalty code you can see the strain on her face. Add to it the other loyalty code: the historical tenet of "black people don't wash their dirty laundry in front of white people" thing, that black women don't rat out black men, that black women stand by their people and don't embarass the race in front of white folks, that no one likes snitches etc etc etc .... and you can see that the girl is doing the best she can. I am surprised she is even able to do this much considering the kind of emotional stuff she is up against. #rihannainterview
11/07/09
11/06/09
Even though he was my first love and it was very intense... I didn't love him after that and I didn't wish him well. I didn't with him ill either, I just wished him FAR AWAY FROM ME AND MY LIFE FOREVER. #rihannainterview
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11/06/09
Not to say that either is a bad clip -- I think yesterday's clip was important for people to see that she does realize the impact of her decisions and she has grown incredibly since then -- but today, I really felt where she was coming from for the first time. I can't even imagine how it would be to find your best friend, your boyfriend attacking you like that. I think she conducted herself very well in this interview and was very honest, and I'm glad that even though she still cares for him she isn't running back to him.
Even if he puts out some desperate songs that are clearly about wanting to be with her (ugh I can't stand listening to him!). #rihannainterview
11/06/09
11/06/09
I just finished reading "The Gift of Fear" and he talks quite a bit about violence against women, the cycle of abuse, and how difficult some people find it to truly look underneath the facade that's presented to the public by violent people. #rihannainterview
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Just because he and I were once in love doesn't mean he wasn't any less abusive or I wasn't any less a victim. It doesn't downplay what I went through, or color over what he did. I still left him, he still suffered consequences, and it was still abuse. Nevertheless, love was there at one time.
I think women who have been through horrible abuse have enough to deal with emotionally without having to worry about nitpickers trying to tell them that they didn't love so and so, they couldn't have, that using the word 'love' glorifies the experience, etc. These are real people with real feelings, and as much as people might want to marginalize and pigeonhole, it is possible to love someone who hurts you. #rihannainterview
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I also completely identify with her feeling that it was "embarrassing" to admit she loved him. I can say from experience that it TOTALLY DOES NOT HELP to have people asking you "What were you doing with him? I thought you were smarter than that. Why didn't you leave when you saw red flags?". Possibly well-intentioned questions like that are why victims clam up, don't talk to anyone about what is happening in their relationships, and feel shame later.
It's my belief that when Rhianna refuses to criticize him too much, it's less about him and more about her need to feel that he had some redeeming qualities - that there was some reason she was with him in the first place. It's about needing to feel that she still has good judgment, and isn't a total fool - or maybe that's just me, projecting how I felt.
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When the red flags start popping up, there always seems to be one "friend" around who will make excuses for them. "Maybe he was just stressed from work", "Maybe you picked the wrong time to ask him about [X]", "Do you really want to break up over that one little incident?" And so on. Been there.
The "support" of "friends" (and even family) may not be a factor in Rihanna's case, but I'll bet it's a factor in lots of them. #rihannainterview
11/06/09
First - congratulations on getting out. I know how hard it is.
I still deal with this, and a series of "friends" who act like armchair quarterbacks, feeling completely justified in telling me what I SHOULD have felt or what I SHOULD have done - rebound guy even told me I was personally responsible for any woman my ex abused in the future. (Rebound guy bounced right off the backboard and outta my life soon after. )
We survived. We healed. We found a way to feel safe in our own skin again and still trust other people. For that I give you, and myself, a lot of credit. #rihannainterview
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11/05/09
11/05/09
I left an abusive and terrifying relationship four and a half years ago. Please know that it does get better--you will move on, and one of the first things to subside once you get help is the shame. It took me a while to admit to people the extent of the situation, but once I did, I found it incredibly liberating. It saddens me deeply to hear Rihanna say she is embarrassed.
One thing I learned about abusers is that they are frequently the most charming, overly sweet, and undetectably manipulative people you will ever meet. This is why the whole world initially thought that Chris Brown was a sweet, loving boyfriend. It's seldom the dirtbag K.Fed's of the world that get outed as abusers (although of course it does happen). Most often it's the guys who everyone describes as teddy-bears. So when this "teddy-bear" turns on you, you just wonder what you did to provoke it, or you feel sorry for him that he's going through such a hard time, and oh-look-he's-so-sorry!
I'm a smart woman. I am an educated woman. I am a feminist woman, and the daughter of an Army ranger who knows how to defend herself. So I thought this could never happen to me. Even after I left, I had a period of thinking that maybe it wasn't abuse, even though he threw me down the stairs, choked me, punched, kicked and threw me against walls. The point is--abusers have many ways of controlling your life and your mind to the point that you doubt your victimhood. It wasn't your fault, and it WAS his.
I'm proud of you for your strength. And I apologize for the length of my message (I could go on for days!). But please seek therapy when you leave. It'll be the (second) best thing you ever did. DM me if you need to talk more. #rihannainterview