After netting only 5%(ish) of the vote in NYC's Democratic Mayoral primary yesterday, prolific sexter Anthony Weiner has little choice but to go limping off into the sunset. But it wouldn't be right if the Saga of Carlos Danger simply petered out. No, in order for this story to properly conclude, America needed Sydney Leathers to once more teeter onstage for an encore performance and offer the shitshow her blessing.
According to the New York Daily News (and a few Twitter DM's sent by people who have noticed I've sort of fallen into the Weiner/Leathers beat :( ), Leathers showed up on a sidewalk — just appeared! like Beetlejuice! — outside of Weiner's election night party dressed like a Jenny Jones guest who couldn't wait to reveal to her high school bully that she used to be a NOTTIE but now she's a HOTTIE — tight red dress, impressively precarious-looking shoes. Hair, makeup. As my grandma would say, "all tarted up."
The Daily News quotes Leathers as saying she wanted to attend the Weiner event so she could confront Weiner about "manipulating" her into a months-long dickpic-based relationship. She also said, sort of inscrutably, that you're "only 23 once." Like, totally YOLO.
Leathers stood blocking the door for awhile. Weiner's campaign was alerted to Leathers's Leathersly plan. And in order to avoid an on-camera confrontation THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN THE GREATEST TESTAMENT TO THE DECLINE OF AMERICA EVER CAPTURED ON FILM, Weiner entered his Primary Night Rally by running through a McDonald's next door. Sydney Leathers chased him. Here are a couple of Vines of it, courtesy of Business Insider's Walter Hickey:
Later that night, Weiner gave a concession speech wherein he did not mention his wife.
The whole thing is pretty sadmaking, but at least there will no longer be occasion to occupy brain synapses with images of the penis belonging to a fifth-place mayoral candidate who only got like 12 votes and the young woman who pretended to masturbate to it. Although the image of Anthony Weiner, former Congressman, former mayoral frontrunner, running in terror from a 23-year-old in a Bad Girl At The High School Semi-Formal dress is a wonderful thing to end on.
Now let's join hands and thank our lucky stars that our long national Anthony Weiner nightmare/migraine is over.