In early 2007, during a fit of extreme emotional vulnerability, I walked into an animal shelter on Chicago’s near North side. Two hours later, I was driving home with a very angry cat with only one fang and a stump where her tail should be in a carrying case on the passenger seat, my hands clenched on the wheel in a sort of pet-obtaining mania. The ensuing eight years have been spent trying, mostly unsuccessfully, to make her like me.
I should point out that she’s a pretty good cat. She does cute stuff like sleep upside down on the second pillow on my bed, make a little trilled meow noise when I pet her and she isn’t expecting it. She chirps at birds and crawls under the covers and is generally a friendly companion-type animal. She looks good in Instagram photos. She immediately took a shine to my coworker Bobby Finger and annoys the shit out of Kate Dries, so: good judge of character.
Which makes the impossible pursuit of making her “happy” even more absurd; she’s an walnut-brained animal and she seems fine, but my guilty conscience dictates that I am never a sufficient caretaker (or person). As such, I’ve purchased the following items for her over the past 8.5 years, and have rated them, for you, on whether or not my cat gave a shit.
Pet Voyage Carrier, ~$50
Why: Because the cardboard crate the shelter attempted to put her in for transit home enraged her, the first thing I bought was a soft-sided carrier similar to this one.
Cat reaction: Hates it.
Kong Laser Pointer Toy, $4.88
Why: Thought we could bond over it, maybe.
Cat reaction: Driven to near-insanity with desire to kill laser. Eventually learned laser light was coming from thing I was holding in my hand, and attacked my hand.
Newman’s Own Chicken & Salmon 24 Pack, $34.49
Why: I thought that if I bought my middle-aged cat fancy food, she’d live longer and love me more. Now I have to keep buying it because she expects it.
Cat reaction: It is the only thing she lives for.
FroliCat Dart Interactive Toy, $35.49
Why: She seemed depressed.
Cat reaction: Interest, followed by fear, followed by hanging around it like it was her friend. When the batteries ran out, I was too sad to replace them. She seemed to blame me. She was right.
Kong Cat Squirrel, $4.29
Why: So she’d love me.
Cat reaction: Mild interest, followed by annoyance. Gave it to my boyfriend’s gregarious and playful 1-year-old cat (we live separately); cat ate one of its legs off and we had to take it away. Not entirely sure if the leg was pooped out.
Kong Cat Hedgehog, $4.79
Why: So she’d love me.
Cat reaction: Much preferred the oversized shipping box in which it arrived. Gave it to my boyfriend’s cat and we went away for a short hiking trip. Returned 24 hours later to find his cat had eaten the hedgehog’s face off. The entire face.
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