Stupid Hipster Beards Are Ruining the Economy

Ok, stupid hipster beards and workplace stubble are not ruining the entire economy, per se (or we have yet to prove that they are). What they are doing, though, is causing razor sales to decline across the board; in 2013, men's shaving is expected to lose its dominance in men's grooming sales for the first time ever. In addition, stupid hipster beards are ruining my Economy of Inner Peace on my morning commute. So there's that.

According to Euromonitor, Procter & Gamble (which owns Gillette and Schick and apparently possesses an "unchallenged" dominance of the men's shaving arena), has taken a recent hit — unit sales of Schick razors, for instance, have dropped 10 percent. This is happening for a few reasons:

The vogue for stubble, the relative non-hairiness of Chinese men, growing acceptance of the unshaven look in the workplace and, most importantly, the ever increasing cost of shaving have all been damaging to men’s shaving and Gillette alike.

(Side note: what is "The Relative Non-Hairiness of Chinese Men?" A terrible band name dreamed up by some pseudo-edgy freshmen at Bard? A hypothetical Eat, Pray, Love-esque travel memoir written by someone who was raised in a barn by a family of raccoons? A phrase that was actually printed in a Euromonitor International article? I'm confused.)

Anyways, before you start throwing all of your facial grooming utensils onto a smoldering pyre that represents that crushed hopes of capitalism, you should know that shaving companies are creating new opportunities for innovation. Some things to look forward to in the Hirsute Future: beard and moustache colorant products, "nourishing and smoothing" beard products, beard conditioner, and facial stubble "stylers." Hopefully this yields a slew of beard conditioner commercials shot in the style of women's shampoo ads: beards flowing in the breeze and glinting in the summer sun, beards roiling like the ocean before a silken backdrop, beards being seductively lathered in the shower, etc.

"Civil War in Men's Shaving" [Euromonitor International]
Image via Zastolskiy Victor/Shutterstock.