2Chainz, architect of the Black Hole Sun-meets-Big Pimpin' video for Birthday which — I'm not exaggerating here — changes lives, has continued his quest to Improve America with a new cookbook. But this isn't your Grandma's flushed-cheeked Betty Crocker making olives suspended in gelatin cookbook; this is a work of art. This is beauty. This is culinary and literary perfection meant to be consumed whilst listening to 2Chainz.
Released in tandem with his latest album B.O.A.T.S II: Me Time, #MEALTIME (the hashtag is a part of it, duh) has already made other bored internet denizens giddy with glee. Grantland's writeup contains a two-sentence paragraph that reads "Yes. Good lord, yes." Grubstreet read the whole thing and compiled a list of the 16 best instructions in the book. HuffPo called it "hilarious;" EW said it was "spectacular."
And people are losing their shit over HASHTAG MEALTIME for good reason; the excerpts I've seen were funny enough to convince me to download the 2Chainz album so I could get one for myself even though I'm way too old for music that loud and way too lame for beats that serious. Here's an excerpt from the book's introduction, naturally written in ALL CAPS:
KEEP IN MIND, ALL MEASUREMENTS ARE AT THE DISCRETION OF YOUR PALETTE. AS WE ALL KNOW, SOME PEOPLE HAVE A LOT OF FLAVOR, WHILE OTHERS ENJOY THEIR FOOD AND THEIR LIFESTYLE A LITTLE MORE SUBTLE (BORING). ALSO KEEP IN MIND THAT THESE RECIPES ARE INTENDED TO BE MADE AT 70 MPH WHEN YOU’RE ON A TOUR BUS, SO EXACT MEASUREMENTS CAN’T ALWAYS BE ACCOMMODATED.
And here are the instructions that accompany his recipe for garlic mashed potatoes.
The first step in his recipe for Garlicky Green Beans is to call Fergie and invite her over. 2Chainz instructs chefs to begin the process of making Me Time Sauce by purchasing a new outfit and getting a mani-pedi. The first step in crab cake making is "Position yourself in a room surrounded by a handful of TVs playingSportscenter with the sound off." I'm now both hungry AND hankering to hit the clubs. That's what the kids say, right? "Hankering to hit the clubs?"
So it turns out that 2Chainz was not lying when he said he's a man who "go[es] hard in the motherfucking kitchen."