Here is a $20 bib:
Your baby is going to barf on it and since it’s white, it will be irrevocably stained and ruined after about 10 uses. You can buy ten of these at Target for less than half as much.
New suggested price: $25.
Here is an $88 sweater:
It looks like it was designed in two seconds and it is hand washable only. You could buy a decent pair of adult shoes for that price.
New suggested price: $130.
Here is a $76 stuffed toy:
It is made of wool so it’s nice and scratchy and the wheels are stitched on so it can’t actually roll anywhere and it’s grey and black, a kid’s favorite colors.
New suggested price: $99
Here is a $128 seven-pack of onesies:
The copy says, “This bodysuit pack in a refined pointelle has a hue for every day of the week.” You will go through all seven in one day. You could save $118 and buy a five pack from Target and use the rest to go out to a really quite decent dinner.
New suggested price: $150.
Here is a $78 one-piece:
It looks like an old dish towel.
New suggested price: $100
Not machine washable and in a design that will definitely never go out of trend so it will be something you can hand down for generations and generations assuming that this doesn’t get ruined by the ruining-thing-machine that will be wearing it.
New suggested price: $500
Available in size 9 months. Most babies don’t start walking until after they are 12 months old.
New suggested price: $600
Also known as the dainty little thing that contains the thing that contains your baby’s liquidy shits.
New suggested price: $85.
Claire Zulkey is a writer in Chicago.