Shade Court: This Is Goodbye

As always, this upholds the rule: If someone says “major shade,” is almost certainly is not shade.

The Ruling: Not shade

Shade Court Docket #2015JZ000152

The Case: Michael Fassbender is playing Steve Jobs in the new Steve Jobs biopic. This may sound familiar as Ashton Kutcher played the same role in a different move just two years ago.

We now have two major Hollywood films about Steve Jobs and zero about Harriet Tubman, but like, iPhones are great.

In an interview, Fassbender was asked about his preparation for the role.

When Fassbender was asked how he prepared for the role of the late Apple CEO, he said, “I studied Ashton Kutcher.”

The Defendant: Mashable

The Evidence:

The Deliberation: Another report noted that Fassbender delivered the line “wryly.” So we’ll assume that there was some sarcasm at play here. What’s great is that if he said it with enough subtly, you can choose to read it either way. If you’re someone who doesn’t know anything really about either film, you can just assume Fassbender was being polite or even gracious.

But if you’re Ashton Kutcher and/or you know that Jobs was pretty roundly considered to be the cinematic equivalent of a disappointing blow job, you know that Fassbender probably didn’t mean this as a compliment. But he allows for a bit of doubt and in that beautiful little crevice is exactly where the shade resides.

Also, look at Mashable getting something right for a change! Way to go out strong, guys. I’ll even choose to forget whatever the hell this was:

The Ruling: Shade

Shade Court Docket #2015JZ000153

The Case: Rupert Murdoch is sort of like if Voldemort had a nose. He is a bad old man who says bad old man things. This week, he weighed in on Ben Carson and President Obama because don’t we all love when old white men try to police blackness.

He later tweeted this dumb apology.

The Defendant: US Weekly

The Evidence:

The Deliberation: Us Weekly has made some terrible appearances here in Shade Court—some truly embarrassing assertions—but they may have outdone themselves here.

Rupert Murdoch did not shade Barack Obama. This crotchety human version of the Fremont Troll questioned Barack Obama’s blackness with some incomprehensible argument about a racial divide.

Truly, this is obtuse even for Us Weekly. There might actually not be a single thing on Earth than is less an example of shade than Rupert Murdoch’s racist, hunt and peck ramblings.

The Ruling: BANNED FROM BASEBALL

Shade Court Docket #2015JZ000154

The Case: Remarkably, The Voice is coming back for a tenth season. This time, they are swapping out their singing blonde ladies with Gwen Stefani stepping down and Christina Aguilera coming back in.

When the news was announced, Christina posted a picture on Instagram of the season ten cast with an ~interesting~ caption.

The Defendant: Christina Aguilera

The Evidence:

The Deliberation: Here’s the thing about shade that although you’ve all be diligent and willing students I feel the need to stress: Most of the time, there needs to be some sort of precedence for the shade. What I mean is that the relationship between the shader and the shadee must be such that you can reasonably assume that they would even want to shade each other in the first place.

For example, Justin Bieber making snide remarks about One Direction can be up for shade consideration because they’re basically competitors and we already know they’re not exactly friends. Although something may seem like shade, it’s important to consider whether this person would have a reason to shade the other in the first place.

Back to the case at hand: There’s not a ton of information about the relationship between Christina and Gwen. However, they do essentially have the exact same job and who knows how exactly it’s decided who will or will not return to the show. It seems a bit sexist to assume they’re in competition because they’re both blonde, female singers on the same TV show but also, all genders in show business are sort of insane, so it’s still a possibility.

In an interview, Gwen did say that she is “jealous” when the voice is filmed without her, but you can also read that as a joke.

The thing that puts this over the edge for me is that, while I love her, Christina Aguilera has been known to be a bit cantankerous at times. Plus, that caption, “Mama’s coming back,” implies that she’s the OG, the first and final and everyone would do well to remember that.

The Ruling: Shade

Images via Getty, McDonald’s, IHOP. Top image by Tara Jacoby, featuring the shade artist at a young age.