September at Cosmo Means Putting a Condom on a Dude Using Your Feet

The September issue of Cosmopolitan has a very thorough 12-page guide to contraception, which includes two pages about all the options and their efficacy; two pages dedicated to the Pill and its side effects, and two pages on condoms. In a sidebar on the condom spread, the mag teaches “sexy” ways for a woman to put a condom on a man’s penis. Toes are involved.

Five different moves are illustrated. There’s the Mouth Master, The Slick Rick, the Breast Remedy, the Move with A View. And last, but not least: The Footsie Roll. This requires a woman to put a condom on the tip of a penis with her hands, and then lean back and reposition herself so that she can roll the rubber down with her toes. Sexy? Sure, you’re a lady, and ladies have perfect, dainty feet with pretty pink polish. But here are some things one might worry about:

• Sharp toenails
• Athlete’s foot
• Toenail fungus
• Blisters
• Calluses
• Cracked heels
• Super dry skin
• Lingering sweaty sneaker stench
• Poor foot control/toe coordination
• General raggedyness

But honestly? All of those drawbacks could be overcome if a man softly, seductively and breathlessly whispered these romantic words into your ear: Cotton candy. Sweetie, go. Let me see that Footsie Roll.