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I dunno. His eyes are very tiny. That is the only noteworthy thing about his face. His chin is pointy. So is The Joker’s.

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How would you even describe Ryan Gosling’s face to someone who had never seen him? “Oh, he’s got this great nose, it’s ... uh, hmm, I mean it’s your basic WASP-dude nose, normal number of holes, normal location. Ah, and his mouth, it’s so sexy, it’s ... well, uhhh, hm. A mouth. I think he has lips? Probably he has lips! Sometimes he grows hair on his face, y’know, like the people do. And doesn’t shave it, or not all the way sometimes! Oooh—and he’s got these really tiny, piggy little eyes! Yeah his eyes are super tiny. It looks like he stubbed out a pair of cigarettes on either side of his nose. Just the tiniest little piggy eyes you ever saw. Like mosquito bites. I just want to bone him so bad.”

I saw in The Notebook that he has a terrific body. That’s great! But that does not make him all that unusual or noteworthy in the category of famous dudes. I bet Pee-Wee Herman has rock-hard abs. Pee-Wee Herman, out in the yard using his chiseled chest and tummy to scour the dirt off his grey suit. They’re all like that! Under that cardigan Paul Giamatti is built like Spider-Man. What matters is the face.

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Benicio Del Toro is very good looking. He has good eye bags. He could flap one of his eye bags around you like a bivouac and carry you on the front of his face while you drink tea and read a book. That is what makes a person attractive.