Rush Limbaugh Has Written a Terrible Magic School Bus Rip-Off for Kids

Since Rush Limbaugh can do very little that is not worthy of immediate and unstinting public ridicule, he has gone ahead and written a children’s book about a suspiciously-named protagonist, a substitute teacher named “Rush Revere” who kidnaps some students in a time machine so he can teach them about the cavity-riddled band of superstitious drunkards known euphemistically as “the Pilgrims.”

If the book, Rush Revere and the Brave Pilgrims: Time-Travel Adventures with Exceptional Americans, seems to take too heavy a hand in glorifying the exploits of the Pilgrims — a collection of baffled religious extremists who sailed from England, landed in the wrong place in America, and went about the grim task of sanctimoniously trying to grow cabbage on rocks before mostly starving and drinking themselves to death — rest assured, it’s not from any lack of historical perspective. No, no — Rush Limbaugh, children’s author, is a man determined to propagandize America’s youth, and described his book as nothing less than a public service to all those history-deprived students currently milling about the public education system:

Rush Revere is a substitute school teacher at a middle school anywhere in America, and he will take a couple of students with him to the first Thanksgiving, and they will learn all about it. Again it is a unique way of reaching the target audience here, which is America’s young people — who are, sadly, not being taught what is in this book. And what’s in this book is the historical record, accurate historical record of the Pilgrims. It’s who they were, why they existed, where they were, how they got here, what they did when they got here, and what they did and why it mattered and related to the founding of this country.

Acutely aware that Americans would much rather listen to his sonorous ostrich chortle, Limbaugh will also be releasing an audio version of Rush Revere, which may one day serve, in part, as audio evidence in a History Channel documentary about the ways in which irresponsible Americans abused the First Amendment, thus bringing about the totalitarian rule of