RIP Mighty Wings: A Look Back at the Greatest Fast Food Failures

Tragedy. McDonald’s is stuck with 10 million pounds of delicious, weird, kind of chemically-tasting “Mighty Wings” after yet-another of the fast food giant’s attempt to expand from burgers, things that sort of look like burgers and fries totally failed.

But this isn’t the first, and dare I say, this won’t be the last time one of our ~~go-to stoner palaces~~ fast food venues makes a misstep in gauging just what kind of crap we’re willing to shove in our bodies. Sure, the Double Down is a revolting, national disgrace of a success for KFC. But that doesn’t mean that the next double fried cheese monstrosity dipped in ranch dressing and wrapped in a blanket of bacon is going to have the same success.

In my lifetime I have fond, yet deeply tragic memories, of many a wild fast food item that danced into my life all too briefly, only to be ripped away by the savage, fickle beast that is the American fast food patron’s palette. So, in memoriam for the Not-So Mighty After All Wings, I offer a look back at some the best of the worst failed fast food menu items of all time. Ahh, memories.

The McD.L.T., McDonald’s

OK, first off, whoever tells you the McD.L.T. was a terrible idea is a dirty, mean liar. This thing was awesome. It kept the cool side cool and the hot side hot. Until you were ready to put them together. I just..SERIOUSLY have no idea how this failed. Come on, America.

The Bell Beefer, Taco Bell

Ohhhh, Taco Bell. What were you thinking, making a hamburger? And you called it the Bell Beefer? According to the Taco Bell Wiki, (which I myself am a frequent visitor of), “the Bell Beefer was a bun with taco meat, diced onions, shredded lettuce and mild border sauce between the buns. A Bell Beefer Supreme was also offered which added diced tomatoes and grated cheese.” So basically, you only want this if you really, really, REALLY crave a taco but you just can’t commit to that whole “taco shell” thing. Sure. Sounds like a winner.

Frescatta Sandwiches, Wendy’s

These were so good. All the sauces had fancy names like pesto and mustard. These sandwiches were the kind of food that tricks you and makes you go “hahaha look at me! I’m eating all fancy and classy, here at the Wendy’s in the food court at the Amarillo mall!” But they failed, sadly, because sandwiches with a lot of fancy sauces on them take some time to prepare and no one heading into a Wendy’s at noon on lunch break has time for all that, I guess. Sad face.

The Enormous Omelette Sandwich, Burger King

This sandwich was the equivalent of a heart attack and gunshot to the heart all in one. It had sausage, eggs, bacon and cheese. OH and if that wasn’t enough for you, you could get the Meat’Normous sandwich, which threw on an extra helping of ham on to it because why let any salted meat product go unloved? Two or three bites of this thing were good; anymore than that and you would have needed a defibrillator to make it through the rest of the meal. Which, judging by Burger King’s marketing up there also included a giant box of onion rings (WTF????) and a cup of coffee. So, they’re pretty much just trying to kill all their customers because they fucking hate them, yeah?

The Hula Burger, The McPizza, McSpaghetti, and The (GROAN) McHot Dog

This collection of failed McDonald’s gimmick crap deserves their own wing in a museum. A museum of crap foods someone should have thought long and hard about putting on a menu. I didn’t even want to have to tell you about that last one, but we’ll get there in a minute. The Hula Burger was a burger with a pineapple slice instead of meat, meant to appeal to religious folks looking for a non-meat option on Fridays. Of course, no one in the world is religious enough to want to eat this thing.

Despite how insane they sort of sound, McSpaghetti is still sold in other countries and there is, for some reason, a Facebook page dedicated to bringing the McPizza back. I wouldn’t make too much of that, because there’s probably a Facebook page dedicated to bringing back the Bubonic Plague.

As for the McHotDog? Well, it looks even grosser than you are imagining in your head right now. It’s basically a sad Oscar Mayer hot dog with a McDonald’s wrapper slapped around it. It’s sad. Like drunk on prom night, throwing up in the limo while your date runs off with that girl from your chemistry class sad. Super sad.