RIP High Heels

Throw your stilettos into a garbage can and light that shit on fire, because heels are officially O-V-E-R, OVER!!!!

Heels are uncomfortable (for me) and sneakers are better (for me), so please know that this news is a delightful bit of information (for me) that I will plaster to every pair of high heels at my local DSW, liberating the masses from the tyranny of feeling like a pig on stilts. If you want some sort of hard evidence, please consider this study from thredUP, an online consignment store that sees an awful lot of unwanted clothing cross their path.

“In examining data from December 2017 through May 2018,” writes Erin Wallace, brand director, “thredUP discovered a 38% heel ‘purge surge’— or increase in volume of heels sent to thredUP in the past three months.” Across this great country of ours, heels are being packaged into their little boxes and sent away, in exchange for shoes that allow the foot to be just a foot. One could point to our innate desire for comfort as the reason, but it’s likely the result of athleisure’s continued dominance. Please ignore this New York Times article cited by Business Insider that says wearing flat shoes is a result of the #MeToo movement, with women throwing their best Cole Haan work pumps into the garbage can because sneakers mean that they’re dressing for themselves, and not men. That’s not the reason. Sweatpants as daywear is the reason.

Sneakers are fun and comfortable and also attractive. Who doesn’t love a nice lil’ Ked with a floaty dress and one of those cursed circle straw bags? For some, to be alive in 2018 is to be on a constant quest for things that make life easier; we look for love by swiping through strangers’s faces while sitting on the toilet, and order tampons, Cheetos, and Drano from “logistics companies” whose very existence is to make it so that you do not have to leave your home to purchase those things. Sneakers, sandals and flat shoes that allow your feet to be feet make life easier.