Put a Virus On It: The Many Confusing Ebola Crafts of Etsy

Ebola has killed thousands of people in West Africa and seriously impacted the lives of hundreds of thousands more. Stateside, one man has died and two female nurses who cared for him have been infected. Politicians are calling for travel bans, the CDC is scrambling and stock prices have plummeted in anticipation of the tragic outbreak’s far-reaching economic impact. But there’s one thing Ebola hasn’t threatened: crafting.

Etsy’s prolific legions have risen to the occasion and preserved, via arts and crafts, the horror of the ebola pandemic of 2014. And—lucky for people with a sick sense of humor or no sense of decorum—the holiday season is approaching. Do with this information what you will.

Ebola virus earrings, $15.50

Their smallish size means they’re suitable for almost all occasions when you’re alone in your apartment. Their manageable price tag put them in the reach of even the most cash-poor of bauble enthusiasts. A surefire conversation starter.

Bonus: they’re hypoallergenic.

Double bonus (10 fouls in one half): if you like the look of them, there are also ebola necklaces available, as well as alternate designs.

Fused Glass Ebola Dish Made to Order, $35

Eating food that has come into contact with surfaces contaminated with the ebola virus is inadvisable unless you’re pretty sure you’ve got the immune system it takes to defeat a disease that kills 70 percent of the people it infects. Eating food off of a plate emblazoned with an “iconic” image of the virus certainly won’t kill you, but it might kill the ambience of your meal. Nothing makes a craving for ribs vanish like meditating on a disease that causes agonizing hemorrhaging and and diarrhea.

2014 Ebola Epidemic Cutting Board, $31

On one hand, it’s just an Ikea cutting board. On the other hand, it’s an Ikea cutting board with images of “Ebola, Salmonella, Swine Flu, Bird Flu, Meningitis and many more!” hand etched onto it.

The seller recommends it as a wedding gift.

EbolaNado, raw virus disease of ebola, outsider horror art brut by Nightmare Tank, $22

Art confronts both the beauty and horror of being alive. Sometimes the horror is best represented via a bloody skull tornado. The tornado represents misinformation. The skulls represent death. The blood represents blood. Writes the artist, “I am greatly troubled by the current path that this infectious disease is taking.”

I feel like I get it.

Ebola cross stitch microbe, $19.99

The item, described by the seller as for “doctors, epidemiologists, scientists, and cool people,” is a 3-inch circumference hoop holding in place an ivory piece of fabric with the now-famous shepherd’s crook virus stitched into it.

If your body’s saying “let’s go,” but your heart is saying “too soon,” this highly-rated seller also makes brain-eating amoeba cross stitch samplers, as well as one that instructs visitors to refrain from doing cocaine in your bathroom. Servicey.

Hola Ebola t-shirt

Get it? “Hola” and “Ebola” rhyme, and also Ebola is an unwelcome guest. So it’s ironic.

Please do not wear this on an airplane. Please do not be that person.

Ebola Prayer Candle Pray to End Ebola Tea Light and Crystal Gemstones, $39.50

Rule number 1 of preventing people from dying: When medicine fails, always, always, always turn to the power of magic.

This beauty contains such powerful rocks as: bloodstone, carnelian, rose quartz, amethyst, quartz. According to the product’s description, each serves an important purpose.

Bloodstone is good for blood ailments, including internal bleeding

Carnelian is good to ward of illness and in ancient times was believed to ward off the plague.

Rose Quartz is a great stone to radiate universal love and peace.

Amethyst is a wonderful stone for healing and protection.

Clear Quartz is a beautiful stone which will amplify these stones and our prayers.

The gemstone are sitting on a bed of stone granules concentrating and radiating the positive prayers.

If the pandemic isn’t stopped in its tracks by that murderers row of chill vibes, then there really is no hope for the human race.

Rule 34—the old adage that if something exists, there is a porn version of that something—also applies loosely to Etsy products. Happy shopping.