OMG, you guys! Pumpkin spice season is almost over! Does that make you sad? Are you crying? Well, drink your salty tears, fool, because that’s all you deserve for buying into this ridiculous lie that you’ve been living since the first time you ordered a pumpkin spice latte. That’s right, A LIE. Pumpkin spice doesn’t even have real pumpkin and while we’re at it, who’s to say that we didn’t stage the first moon landing?
Alright, alright. While the moon landing thing is a joke — is it? ;-( — the pumpkin spice thing is real, meaning that it’s very very fake. So fake, in fact, that even the spice part of pumpkin spice is generally made up of synthetic flavoring. Yeah, Starbucks — the world’s largest coffee chain — cannot afford to give us some goddamn nutmeg, cinnamon and clove. Instead, they use lab-produced artificial ingredients and most chumps don’t even notice or care.