Earlier this week, Crossfire, the ancestral home of partisan cable TV shouting, returned to CNN because apparently no one has any new ideas for a TV debate show that isn't bad. And while reviews for the the program's zombie reanimation were tepid-to-negative, one in particular stuck out for its confusingly enraged attitude toward host and former Obama campaign spokesperson Stephanie Cutter. If you like seeing people explode at nothing, it's a real asshole-flavored treat. Come on! Let's experience it together!
Patrick Howley of conservative/ inadvertant humor website The Daily Caller wrote QUITE the review of Crossfire, and more specifically, about how Stephanie Cutter makes him feel so, so mad. Stephanie Cutter mean. Stephanie Cutter bad lady. Stephanie Cutter make Patrick Howley feel (rudimentary child's drawing of frowning face rendered in crayon, surrounded by lightning bolts and dark colored scribbles. This is the sort of crayon drawing a kid would make before they try to light their family dog on fire).
In the piece, the first page of which is only 364 words long but seems so much longer, Howley uses the following phrases in reference to a woman whose biggest crime, from what I can gather, is confidently spouting liberal talking points on the teevee after working for several high-profile liberal candidates for office.
- in defiance of taste and public demand
- a loathsome creature
- "roots jutting out from her blonde dye job as black as the recesses of her soul"
- dead eyed
- a sociopath
- an empty shell
- "spewing her flat-throated bile"
- "without the slightest trace of self-awareness"
- "a figure of hatred and dishonesty"
- devoid of any pleasantness or redeeming human value
- monument to modern self-absorption
- incapable of appreciating good art, fine food, or the love and kindness of her fellow man (Ed: this is about where he starts to sound like a guy who smells like armpit pee yelling at his own reflection in the window of a subway car at 3 pm)
- unmitigated monster
- fraudulently tanned (Ed: this ostensibly from a conservative who supports the party of John Boehner and Wisconsin Rep. Sean Duffy, who to this day is the orangest person I've ever seen in person and I used to work at VH1)
- possessing "career trophies she earned simply because (Patrick Howley & His Sooper Tough Gang of Frendz) didn't care enough to stop her from getting them
- a speed talking tragedy
- feminism mutated into a grotesque cartoon
- 90-IQ suburbanite Student Council vice president smugly doodling her gel pens in the front row of the class, mixed with the ranting fever dreams of the Smith College lecture halls, doused with half a dash of unearned metropolitan haughtiness and marinated in the despicable shouting matches of post-Carville politicking
- Carrie Bradshaw without the literacy (Ed: Cool, topical, of-the-moment reference)
- Chelsea Handler without the punch lines
- Kirsten Powers without the prettiness
- "gorging her face with the spoils of ill-gotten first world privilege
- someone who "power walks."
Remember: this is a review of a show that also involves Newt Gingrich. And this is the FIRST PAGE.
What is it about Stephanie Cutter that reduces ostensibly literate conservative men to shrieking, strident internet man-harpies so rage-drunk that they're not OK to drive their overcompensatory cars to the nearest Chik-fil-A in order to drown their sorrows in hate-fried chicken? How many Grand Old Wristbones have been broken in Cutter-related wall punchings? Whatever it is, it's the most interesting thing about the new Crossfire, which a much less unhinged sounding TIME reviewer described as "not just snide but uncomfortably stilted."
I'll pass, for now. And in the meantime, I recommend a stiff drink and some calming breathing. That much weird hate for a blonde female pundit can't be good for the cardiovascular system.