Human Progress Reaches Nadir In Water Bottle That Tells You to Drink

For years, Silicon Valley’s buzziest companies have relied on inhabiting the powerful babyman lifestyle niche of “What Is My Mother No Longer Available to Do For Me.” (See the eight laundry startups that once bloomed in the lazy-asshole-centered “concierge economy,” etc.) Lately, we’ve been inching into a new, wearables-enhanced era of energized babyman lifestyle, which can be framed as “What Am I No Longer Willing to Allow My Body to Do Without a Computer”: sleep apps, an app that tells you when to take a dump, what have you.

Finally, with HidrateMe, there is a $39 water bottle with a sensor stick inside it that will report to an app on your smartphone, which will subsequently make your water bottle glow when it’s time for you to drink more. Via TechCrunch, the bottle has doubled its Kickstarter goal of $35,000 with 40 days to go in its campaign, showing just how many people are in need of an elegant, simple system—a mechanism of sorts—to know when their bodies need more water.

My thanks go out to our technological Jesus that we are finally be able to use our brains to outsource via smartphone a process that even animals lacking any meaningful brain structure do properly every day.

(I’ll concede that this would be great for the elderly, or other groups of people who are unable to fully rely on the accurate reporting coming out of the bureau of their central nervous system—such as babymen, and, because we’re about equality on this website, babywomen.)