This past weekend, watching hordes of grown people wander around New York City, phones akimbo, scouring for cartoon characters in real-life places with an enthusiasm rarely conjured for fellow live humans, it became clear to me that Pokémon is the Feds.

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GPS privacy concerns are apparently passé. Historical amnesia has finally penetrating the nation not because of gradual indoctrination or a Manchurian Candidate-style brainwashing, but due to a menagerie of cuddly fictional animals led by an adorable yellow rodent with rosy cheeks and floppy ears. Adult humans have capitulated to this without compunction. Yet from where I sit, Pokémon Go is not a harmless little game, our new national obsession. It’s an opiate of the masses, so addictive that even telling the SHEEPLE! to WAKE UP! is a futile exercise because the sheeple are zombified, completely led by their new cartoon god!

ARE WE SO DISTRACTED WE CANNOT REMEMBER THE PAST?

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In 1997, an episode of Pokémon, the television show, caused massive amounts of seizures in children, with 617 hospitalized. The episode, entitled “Computer Warrior Porigon”—NOT A COINCIDENCE—was about “characters fighting each other inside a computer.”

Don’t you see?

THEY’VE BEEN WORKING ON THIS FOR 20 YEARS.

As the Disposable Heroes of Hiphoprisy once prophesied (paraphrased):

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One nation under god has turned into one nation under the influence of one drug

Pokémon, the drug of a Nation

Breeding ignorance and feeding radiation

Pokémon: it satellite links our United States of unconciousness

Apathetic therapeutic and extremely addictive

The methadone metronome pumping out

130 Pokémons 24 hours a day

You can flip through all of them

And still there’s nothing worth catching

Pokémon is the reason why less than ten percent of our

Nation reads books daily

[...]

Pokémon is

The stomping ground for political candidates

Where bears in the woods

Are chased by Grecian Formula’d

Bald eagles

[...]

Pokémon, is it the reflector or the director?

Does it imitate us or do we imitate it

Besides the clear physical dangers that Pokémon presents—INJURY, ROBBERS, PAEDOS—there’s the clear fact that Pokémon is your new dark overlord and reporting back your location to a control room somewhere deep underground the nation’s capital, which plugs it into a global switchboard and monitors your every move until you are fully inoculated to anything BUT the demonic eyes of creatures in an altered universe that confuses your brainwaves to believe that the Pokémon world is the only world—the real world.

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WAKE UP!

And once they have you, fellow citizens, they have you. As Edward Snowden, the national patriot, once said: “I think it’s really disingenuous for the government to invoke and sort of scandalize our memories to sort of exploit the national trauma that we all suffered together and worked so hard to come through, and justify programs that have never been shown to keep us safe but cost us liberties and freedoms that we don’t need to give up, and our Constitution says we should not give up.”

For the National Security Agency, and the global illuminati that runs it, Pokémon Go is their most ingenious, and therefore most evil, invention. It is addictive. It is adorable. IT IS MONITORING EVERYTHING YOU DO IN REAL TIME. They say our most dangerous enemies come in the cutest packages. And as millions of people can tell you, the characters of Pokémon are the cutest.

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DON’T BE A VICTIM.


Image via Pokémon Go/Bobby Finger