Please Try to Keep Your Breakfast Down While Reading Stormy Daniels on Her Alleged Affair with Donald Trump!

Bright and early Friday morning, In Touch Weekly published in full their interview with Stormy Daniels, the porn actor who was allegedly paid $130,000 for her silence about their reported affair. It is long-ranging, comprehensive, and detailed enough about the sex stuff that reading it while eating toast or a bowl of cereal feels like a bad idea.

Per In Touch, Daniels took and passed a polygraph test before the interview and the details of the affair were corroborated by her ex-husband and a close friend. The interview is very long, but thorough. Daniels said she and Trump met at a charity golf tournament in Lake Tahoe; they rode a golf cart together and then, she said, Trump approached her for her number in the gift room. “Whether you’re a fan of his or not, which I never really was, you gotta admit he’s pretty fascinating,” she said.

“Fascinating” is the correct term for a pre-presidential Donald Trump—like the still corpse of a rat on your way to the subway, or a particularly engorged whitehead on the side of your cheek. It was this fascination—and his insistence that he could get her on The Apprentice—that led Daniels to continue a relationship with him. What makes me want to retreat into my body just a teensy bit is the description of the sex; frankly, it’s better for our collective mental health as a nation to never think about the president having sex, but now that this interview exists, well, there goes that.

When I came out, he was sitting on the bed and he was like, “Come here.” And I was like, “Ugh, here we go.” And we started kissing. I actually don’t even know why I did it but I do remember while we were having sex, I was like, “Please don’t try to pay me.” And then I remember thinking, “But I bet if he did, it would be a lot.”

IT: This is what you were thinking during sex?

Stormy: Yeah, isn’t that horrible? But I remember thinking, “I hope he doesn’t think I’m a hooker.” Not that I have anything against hookers. I just personally have never done it. Still, I have no idea why I did it. Honestly, I really don’t.

IT: Were you attracted to him?

Stormy: Would you be? I was more like fascinated. I was definitely stimulated. We had a really good banter. Good conversation for a couple hours. I could tell he was nice, intelligent in conversation.

Hmm.

IT: Was the sex romantic?

Stormy: It was textbook generic. It wasn’t like, “Oh my God, I love you.” He wasn’t like Fabio or anything. He wasn’t trying to have, like, porn sex.

IT: Did he say anything to you during?

Stormy: Nothing freaky. Like, “Oh yeah, that feels good. That’s amazing.” You know. It was one position, what you would expect someone his age to do. It wasn’t bad. Don’t get me wrong.

Per Daniels, the “sex” (help me) was fine and if hard-pressed, she could “describe his junk perfectly.” Some things are best left to the imagination, I say. Thanks!

For anything and everything you’d ever want to know about this alleged affair, including Trump’s bizarre and vehement hatred for sharks and how he views his disgusting flop of hair as a personal talisman, please read the entire interview here. Good luck!